GROWING PAINS....

2007-12-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

life's a mess but i'm holding it together. i'm WAY overdue on a post but i NEED to write soon. hopefully once mom gets home to take over keeping an eye on dad i'll get away a little bit and get all this craziness out of me...comeon...you know what i mean.

Half way done with clinicals...crazy...

2007-09-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Well – hello again :) I think my last post was right before I began my clinical experience…and an “experience” it has been! Yikes! We start off with a week at a nursing home, one week off, then a week at a hospital. It probably would have been helpful for me to write and vent at the time all the craziness was happening – but honestly I was trying my best to find a way to put the experiences behind me. I’m finally now at a place where I can sort of laugh about things…so…here goes the rundown…

Nursing Home…we’re paired up with a partner (one “main caregiver” and one the “assistant”) and assigned one resident for the day…

Day 1 – My first patient ever was a sweet lady (5'9 but only 76lbs) – and hospice – meaning she’s REALLY sick. You aren’t labeled hospice until you have 6months or less to live. She’d been there 3 months already and talked about how it would be long. Her daughter was visiting her and NOT happy that we were taking a while to get our stuff done. You see, we have to get an instructor to watch and evaluate us the first time we do ANY procedure (we even had to have someone see us wash our hands and introduce ourselves to the patient…ugh). That means, with a class of 22 and only 4 instructors, we are always having to get ready and then wait to start a procedure until our instructor gets around to us. So, I have this really upset family member breathing down my neck and it’s the first time I’m trying anything on a real live person – freaky. Anyways, at one point my instructor was watching me do something and the patient all of a sudden stopped breathing – she was bent in half trying to find a position she could get some air – just gasping but making almost no noise – freaky- my partner backed up to the wall with her hands up …some help she was (actually she’s great – neither of us knew what to do) I told my instructor that she was turning blue and she just looked at me like “so what? What ya gonna do about it?” Now, I know she was a “do not resuscitate” patient – but there HAD to be something we could do…something to comfort her, something to assure her or me, at least treating her like a person. I know she’s dying – but she’s still alive now! It made me so upset. After about a minute or two she started breathing again. I was so relieved – but sort of shaken. The instructor had the nerve of asking me if I was ready to check off on the sort of exercises we do. I didn’t really give an answer except saying that I thought she needed a break. We wore her out – were probably a part of the reason she had a breathing crisis – I couldn’t do anything more to her even if it meant my grade. I ended up sneaking over to the dinning room and getting her tray for lunch. I put it in front of her before the instructor got back (she said she’d give her a 15min break – how kind of her…ugh) so when she got back I said “sorry, she’s eating. Guess we can’t do anything more to her today” I felt kinda good about it because I knew we’d be hurting more than helping…but the instructor wasn’t happy. Anyways – I cried about it all later. Our job mainly involves hygiene and transport – not medicine – there’s something very hard about simply standing by while someone gasps for air and starts to suffocate – it’s crazy – I’m not hardened or able to distance myself like the instructors. It makes me really consider whether I can do this job….moving on….

Day 2 – this time was supposed to be easier since I was the “assistant” – not the one being tested. However, we got a patient who growled like an animal and cussed us out for the whole 6 hours. The CNA told us the wrong injured side (meaning we did procedures wrong the first half of the day) and he was really difficult too. He tried to make us mess up. We’d put him in position for a procedure and he’d, for example, hide his hand under his back when you looked away. SO frustrating! And it’s hard enough to start out new with out someone saying over and over “you’re not going to be able to do it – cause you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” He grabbed my shirt and started to gather more and more of it in his first and pulled me off balance. He scared my partner and I wasn’t too comfortable around his either. At one point my instructor told us to hurry up and get done before he hit us. Ugh.

Day 3 – Sweet lady with Alzheimers – Also a hospice patient (this means both my first 2 patients were hospice) no one else ever had to deal with hospice – it’s hard…didn’t feel like it was fair…but what can ya do? She fluxed from happy oblivious to angry/scared from minute to minute – she’s forget what we were in the middle of doing and get upset – Not her fault…just tough. The CNA yelled at us that day too – not really our fault but we still just had to take it (after all – she didn’t tell us our patient had Alzheimer’s – the would have been helpful – better than having to find out ourselves). That day I had to test off on feeding people – a different instructor was with me than the day before – so she ended up assigning me to feel yesterday’s angry patient. I told her I couldn’t because he hated me – she said “o, I’m sure that’s not true – besides, maybe he won’t remember you.” I walked over to the table and he growled at me – I leaned over to her and said “ummm, I think he remembers” – still had to help him. He’d wait til I got my hands close to his mouth and then he’d spit on me – so gross!! Anyways – you can imagine the rest…

Day 4 – Lady who had regressed back to being about 4 years old. Tough day – she was scared a lot – had lots of equipment keeping her going. Assigned to a new patient for the last half of the day – stroke caused her left side to be paralyzed. I helped with a bunch of procedures – but she couldn’t help us move her at all. She was SO MUCH dead weight – I had to hold her up for a few minutes and thought I was going to drop her – I ended up hurting my shoulder and back…that night all I could do was lay on the hard floor…blah.

There it was – the beginning of Clinicals hell…
Not sure what I think of nursing anymore. Maybe I had a bad experience. Maybe nursing homes are just not my thing. I don’t know…but yesterday we toured the hospital and I felt more comfortable there already. We start our week there on Monday. It’s going to be tougher there – lots of different problems, procedures, nurses and doctors. But maybe the atmosphere will be better – and people who are there for just an illness/injury (short time) might be better about being taken care of then people in a long term facility – guess I’ll find out soon…..

Guess that’s enough for now – have a lot more to talk about but I’m going to a softball game – I’m trying to support our middle school girls from the youth group – I think one tangible way is showing up to their games…so that’s where I’m starting :)

Next topic – love…what a mess!

2007-09-15T07:46:00.001-07:00

got it...apparantly they'll all cycle thru if i make it the smallest size - too bad - it makes the pics look funny. o well.

2007-09-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

for some reason the slideshow seems to get stuck in the middle...i have no clue why - i was lucky enough just getting it to post. o well. my bad...
jc

Summer07 Photo Recap

2007-09-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

the recap...i'm back :)

2007-09-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I think the summer is finally coming to an end and fall is busting thru. It’s been decently hot and sticky lately…and WET. August was the wettest month in history…not just of past Augusts…but all time. It rained for something like 10-14 days straight and our area is considered somewhat of a disaster. I woke up this morning and after a week without rain we’re back into it. This time, however, it’s COLD rain…and the temp’s down to the high 50s low 60s. ahhhh….it’s refreshing. I spent the morning breaking out my cool weather clothes (because really the weather changes in an instant and we’re never ready) :) Today I don’t have to be in to class until 1pm because I had a 4 hour skills test (ugh!) Thursday with half of the class. The other students have to complete it this morning. So, a trip to the coffee shop with free wifi was definitely in order :) who knows…I may actually adopt this into a Friday tradition (don’t have class on Fridays)…who knows.

Ok – so, summer recap (now that it’s over :( oops…)
1. Moving home. Well, that’s interesting. I’m not saying that it’s horrible to be with family…I love them a ton…but it’s tough to be back after being out on my own. Plus, I don’t really have any friends here. I’m still struggling with that…but maybe with fall starting there will be new opportunities to get involved somewhere…who know.

2. Camp counselor for a week at Spencer Lake Christian Camp. Reggie Dabbs spoke and it was crazy GREAT. I could listen to him everyday. He definitely spoke to the hearts of the counselors and youth pastors as well as the kids. Having 3 cabins of girls to sort of watch over was difficult…LOTS of drama. They were divided into two VERY different groups. I loved them all but it was hard to be pulled in two different directions. People’s feelings got hurt and I’m still trying to help clean up that mess.

3. Women of Faith conference. What a great time to soak it all in. I felt like I had been running on empty for a long time and it was great to have a place to just sit and soak it all in. I wish there had been friends there so I could talk to people about the great stuff that was said…you know…process…but that’s alright. Mom and I had a pretty good time there (though 2 days alone was just enough for us :)

4. School plans fell thru but I found a new class to be a part of. My class started August 22nd – it’s 6 ½ hrs a day, Mon thru Thurs. it’s LONG but good. I’m learning a lot and am starting to really appreciate the tech college atmosphere (more on that later)
5. Mel’s back to school and that’s tough. I miss her being around. The good part about moving her in was that I got the chance to see my boys. They are getting SO BIG. It’s only been 3 months and it’s incredible how much they can do now. I was a little worried they wouldn’t remember me or wouldn’t want to play. But, it only took a few mins before Isaac was all over me and excited to play. I LOVE that! The Pasley’s were great – giving me a place to stay as well as food and fun…I really AM a part of their family…I’m SO blessed :)

6. Identity Theft - someone has all my information and has been trying to open countless credit card accounts. I only know of 6 accounts so far. They were actually able to get 2 accounts open and I only know right now they've racked up $1,400 on one (concert tickets, clothes, tv's, groceries, etc.. - - if they needed groceries i'm the kind of person they could have asked and i'd have made sure they had enough...). It's SUCH a mess. Not sure how it's all going to work out but something's gotta happen....it's SO frustrating!! I've had to file police reports and talk with a lot of investigators...most of which have a hard time believing I'm really me because the other girl keeps calling all these companies trying to convince them She is the real me. It's hard enough to be the real ME and I don't know why someone would want to try...haha. I actually think the problem started with the original CNA class I tried to take out of Milwaukee - they've disappeared and had all my info...crazy. I DO have their address though...I mean the people that have been making bogus accounts and racking up bills. They live at 5166 N. Lover's Lane Rd. , Apt B12 Milwaukee, WI. Hey, if they can give out all my personal info than I can too. The latest credit card company confirmed this address as the one being used for shipping...so I'm putting it out there. If anyone knows this address...feel free to tell 'em to knock it off. I'm thinking of sending them a letter...it's still in the works...as you can probably tell...i'm still a little upset about all of this. So remember....

5166 N. Lover's Lane Rd., Apt B12 Milwaukee, WI :) I actually went past this addy when I was out looking for bday presents for Mel but restrained myself from actually going up to the door (honestly I don't know what I would have done - don't get me wrong...i'm not in the business of threatening anyone...but i kinda want them to know that i know where they're at and that i've passed it on to the police...that and a plea for them to knock it off...you know...).

Whelp – that’s the recap - I'd better hurry up and get to class…more to come now that I’m back in some sort of routine…you know how it is.

Pics to come!

p.s. – please pray for my continuing search for direction. I’m not sure what I’m doing after this 8 week class. I “graduate” Oct. 11th and take the state test soon after that. That’s all the plan I know right now and it’s driving me a little crazy :) I’m sure something will work out…but I fear maybe I’m trying to force the timing on things…

2007-07-21T19:54:00.001-07:00

promise i have not abandoned the blog...a lot has changed in a month...

even just the past 2 weeks have been crazy -- a week at camp (with reggie dabbs - whoa!) and a weekend at Women of Faith -- i have a TON to process. nothing is clear anymore...i feel like i'm sorta losing myself...we'll see what happens...

later...

jc

ahhh...relief...

2007-05-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

little update before bed...i think the school/future crisis is over (probably wasn't one to begin with...ahh - hindsight). suffice it to say - within a mere hour, everything fell into place - and it's better than i could have imagined :)
more to come...
God's showed up BIG today...
oh, me of little faith...

-jc

oops...

2007-05-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

well - i finally "announced" fall plans (regarding school)...and what happens? you guessed it...things have gotten messed up a little (i feel like an idiot). currently i'm back at square one - looking at all the options again...and some new ones as well. i really don't know what to do and i'm panicking a little (well, i'm trying to keep it at "little" but i'm really stressed). i'll try to keep this thing more up to date from now on - but i'm not real good at keeping that promise (though i have a lot to "talk out" that i could see happening here)...who knows...i need people to bounce ideas off of. for now i'm off to bed - i'm sick, stressed, have family in town, and need to prepare sunday school stuff tomorrow morning...fun fun fun :/

niters...

2007-05-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

so sorry - gonna have to settle for some pics for now...i'll work on gettin some words on here soon...cause, you know i always have something to say...

back to school...back to school...

2007-05-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

i know i'm bad at updating (really i've had some posts in the works but they've been just 'drafts' til today - oops - forgot to post them)...here's to another new start...

whelp - guess it's official - i'm gonna be an eagle in the fall (which is funy - i started school as an eagle in elementary school and will finish as one here). i'm moving back to j'ville around june 1st, hopefully taking a class at MATC the month of june - then back to school full time in the fall. o man, this is crazy...what am i doing?!

texas3

2007-04-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

yay Palm Sunday - i think every summer-time church service should be outside!

chillin' :) - i love the chickens...

can you believe this is a gas station? only in tx...

texas2

2007-04-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

Baylor's beautiful..

NO LEAPING!...just thinking...

texas pics :)

2007-04-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

pics from my texas trip to visit Tiffani!! :)

started off a little rough (weather-wise)- but it was SO worth it...lots of fun

maybe i'll give a wordy update later...

my "welcome" to texas - 2 days of storms...woohoo!

yes. wet - but happy to be here...

hee hee - not as happy to be wet :)

ahh - this is better - warm and clear - love it!

baby make-over

2007-03-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

whelp - the time finally came - scott finally convinced dana something needed to be done...

we had a funny lookin kid...

at times looking like a mad-scientist...

and other time...like an old man in a little body...

ahh - that's better! what a good lookin little man :)

birthday pics2

2007-03-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

beautiful...

"24 candles" - doesn't have the same ring as 16...

hee hee - sort of looks like the cake's on fire...

birthday wouldn't be complete without the snow...(and this is after 2 days of melting!)

birthday weekend :)

2007-03-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

birthday weekend at home - we got to go to my favorite restraunt - we only go on special occasions :) - J.M.K. Nipon's - awesome Japanese grill...

aww - how cute are they?

just a sad day...

2007-03-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

there's so much i want to get out on here...good and bad. i feel like i'm continually waiting for "enough time" to write. but...as always...the boys schedules seem to be opposite (one asleep while the other's awake..then vice versa). so just a prayer request....

i guess i waited a couple days to long to write. at the beginning of the week i was so positive about life - felt like nothing could get me down... this week's been tough and i find myself really frustrated. a couple people i know are really struggling right now - mainly cancer (i'm SO SICK of everyone having cancer!) - and it looks like they don't have much time left and i SO wish there was something i had to offer them...

today my aunt's heart stopped. my grandma found her on the floor of her apt and called the ambulance...her heart didn't actually stop until she was at the hospital thankfully- they revived her and right now she's in surgery to put in a pace-maker..she probably doesn't have a lot of time left even if the surgery is successful...but i'm praying for a miracle. she's had a lot of health problems lately...and getting older...but just recently she's begun to let my family into her life (she's VERY independant - to the point of almost being a recluse) and recently i've just felt a real NEED to know my family better...it's been great and now i care about her SO deeply. anyways - if you would pray for her i'd appreciate it...more news to come...eventually...

jenn

february FLEW by...yay march!

2007-03-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

hi.
whelp - i guess we're into march now (man, time is seriously FLYING by - sometimes this is good and sometimes maybe not...) and i guess a lot has happened. i feel like everything (relationships, life, me) has changed dramatically in the past two weeks...and really...it's amazing. here are some bullet points (today i'm cleaning all day so hopefully i can leave this weekend - to celebrate my birthday with my parents - and come back to a clean apt :)

1. stomach tests - horrible prep day, not too bad of a test day - and my dad got to come down with my mom (because of a snowday - it was -35 in WI:) which made everything better.

2. tests all came back negative - doctor made me feel stupid for trying some diet changes that HE suggested - but in the end he gave some guesses as to what's wrong and gave me some med and sent me on my way. a little frustrating but i'd rather be on meds than do any more testing. in the end - the meds are working a little bit - so i'm going to try messing with the dosing and some diet stuff and see if i can fix myself :)

3. mel had to go home for a week and a half after a greenville doctor (who shall remain nameless til i write my angry-big sister-letter :) told her she was faking being sick. mel's gotten pneumonia 4 times in the past 5 years and went to the dr very sick. he refused to even do a chest xray. my mom called before the apt to talk to the doctor about her past pneumonia problems and when he first came in the room said said to mel "aww - mommy wants her little baby to come home..."*in the most annoying sarcastic tone ever! anyways - my mom came and picked her up and took her home. she went to the dr and found she had "a substantial amount of fluid built up in the left lung" and was almost put in the hospital- she's been on antibiotics for 2 1/2 weeks now - having to be on two courses and might have to go for a third if this on doesn't kick it. so much for faking it huh?

and...the big news.... :)

4. applied to edgewood college in madison - going back to school to get my bsn - meeting with an advisor on campus on monday :) i know that sort of comes out of no where but it's a REALLY good story i'll tell later - but now i've gotta go get the baby...he's definately wake! haha.

5. o yeah, and i'm going home to WI - in a snowstorm per usual...but i have monday off too (what is this pulaski day? who cares ....i have another day of freedom :) so it's a nice long weekend...and birthday stuff...who doesn't like that right??

til later....

love,
jenn

hi - i'm still here :)

2007-02-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

short note here - i realize i am way behind on my part of the deal (you know - blog friendship...hahaha). and...actually, i have some GREAT excuses for not making my way to a computer to put some info down...but i will not bore you with the details. instead - here's a little "hi, i'm still here..." post...and a couple prayer requests (the short version - long ones to come :)

1. day of testing for some major stomach problems i've been having - this coming monday, the 5th (unfortunately the day after the superbowl - meaning sunday i'm going to be pretty miserable with the prep - i'll have to catch the game highlights later i guess :( - please pray for a clear diagnosis.

2. relationship with mom. she's coming for the procedures...but she's acting weird about a lot of things and makes it seem that i'm really burdening her by asking her to come...she refuses to stay more than a couple hours here (quick 10hr turn-around trip) and i don't know what i did wrong.

3. praise - doug and margie newton just seemed to take an interest in me and what's going on in my life lately (weird - but cool) and so they've prayed for me 2 times about this stomach stuff. last night, while they were praying, i heard "blessing, not a curse" - since then my eyes have really been open to a bunch of stuff i think God's teaching me thru this stuff and i can't take time to talk about it yet...but it's good stuff - more on that to come.

4. loneliness...enough said

5. praise - bsf is fantastic...what a gift.

those are the highlights and lowlights...hope you are well...

love, jenn :)

WARNING: Do NOT Get Your Hair Cut At Trade Secret In O'Fallon

2006-12-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

first, a question - anyone decide to upgrade their blog to the new beta? what do you think about it?

whelp - just a quick post for now. today is my first day off! i hardly know what to do with myself. i decided to go to o'fallon (mall, haircut, borders, panera) and check on my car sometime in there (o yeah...my car's broken - the mechanic i took it to doesn't seem to know what he's doing and i just found out the "little bit expensive" electrical part he ordered for me didn't fix the problem and it can't be sold back to the parts store - and they still don't know what's wrong with the car - ugh! frustrating!) ...well...i made it to the mall and wasn't in a shopping mood - but no problem...i headed to get my haircut. i don't know what possesed me to do it, but i went to a new place...and it was bad. the girl cut my hair with a crooked part (didn't realize til she was done), it took REALLY long to cut (which never happens - it's not a hard style)...she just kept cutting and cutting and cutting trying to get both sides even - little bit of a disaster. so now my hair is ok but not great - little weird - and i have a TON of little hairs poking me (she didn't really have the smock on right). by this time i wanted to get out of the mall asap and out of o'fallon if possible. borders was skipped (sad day!) and i made it panera (yay free internet). so here i sit...trying to relax, trying to figure out what to do about my car, christmas, and the kiddos (relaxing and thinking don't mix) and it's not really helping. so - below is a pic update (pretty much all i'm up for) and a better one will come later. for now i guess i'm gonna cut out early...maybe i'll see if sue's at jo's or if lori gaffner is heading to a movie tonight (found out she goes to movies by herself a lot of fridays - met her there a couple weeks ago and had a blast sitting with her - maybe that's a good option for tonight?) anyways - hope you're having a fantastic break, day, whatever...
love, jenn

Baby Elijah - 1 Mo Old Tomorrow :)

2006-12-15T12:49:00.000-08:00

despite his rough start on life - baby Elijah is doing really well...he's up to 6lbs6oz! so great :) he's changing everyday so i thought it was time for a pic update...though by the time i get the chance to post he has gone and changed again...that's ok - i'm continue to play catch-up.

wide awake!

i look like a giant

do i look like a "mom" yet?

ahhh...sleep...

The Big Freeze!!

2006-12-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

the temp dropped from 60 something to 28 overnight...and this is what we ended up with. lots of knocked out power, bitter cold, and cranky people. i was staying with sam at the filby's when the storm hit and power went out...it was pretty freaky...did i ever tell you i'm afraid of the dark?! (ask me about the story of that night...it's a funny one) well, daylight revealed the beauty of the ice...and it almost made things better. these pics are from 3 days after the storm...a lot of ice for being the end of a 3 day thaw :)

tree branches

part of the tree infront of Snyder Hall down from the weight of the ice

the bridge on the way to my house...

grass - like suspended animation

The "Green" Park :)

2006-12-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

one absolutely perfect "park-weather" day before the big freeze! we took full advantage of it and spent literally HOURS at Patriot's (a.k.a - the green park) - he was in a FABULOUS mood (i treasure these times :)

"look - i don't need any help" :)

"made it!"

"i'm ready"

seriously - could he be any cuter?! ......today.....

Welcome Home Elijah!

2006-11-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

Elijah was released from the hospital today and got to come home right before I left for Thanksgiving break. So much to be thankful for today!

5lb9oz, 17in, and look at that hair!! (it sort of poofs out and makes him look a little eccentric...hehe) so cute :)

don't get the wrong idea - he loves his new baby brother - but we caught him rolling his eyes while his dad was trying to instruct him on how to hold the baby

ahh - the men in my life...so precious!...who could ask for anything more?

"Thanksgiving Tipping Point"

2006-11-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

Whelp, God’s gift to me today was a butt-kicking sermon (check it out - "Thanksgiving Tipping Point" at http://www.greenvillefmc.org). Now, sometimes you hear that sort of stuff and it’s real heavy and just makes you feel crappy, and other times it just blows right past you because you feel like everything and everyone has been hammering at that same sore spot. This was different. In it was almost a confirmation – and even though it was a sort of “hit you over the head moment,” there was some relief there too. Anyways…here’s the deal…

Pastor Doug began with Luke 14:18-33 – the first part of that is the story of the man who planned this great banquet, when he invited people to attend they gave him all these excuses and things they had to do first. He said “come” and they said “I will…but first I have to…” The second part of those verses is where Jesus talks about ‘counting the cost’ – how a builder would not jump into construction without figuring out if he has enough to finish the job…AND if he does start the job without counting the cost…will he quit mid-way thru if he found he was running low on materials? Another part was a king going into battle and whether or not he considers whether he has enough men to defeat the opposing army. Anyways – the theme was counting the cost and all that entails.

The question posed is…is Jesus telling us to count the cost and see if we’re going to make it and if we find that we are lacking too much to quit/not start at all? The answer (according to the sermon) – is no. Jesus is not telling us to ‘play it safe’…he is asking us to consider our resolve, not our resources. Pastor Doug then went on to talk about how we sometimes find ourselves in these situations where we are having to face a cost we never knew would be so much – more than we “intended” to lose. There’s our time of choice. And here’s a good quote – “it’s not until we give beyond our means that we’ll experience the miraculous provision of God.”

Well, there’s a lot there to process (at least in my head there is)…don’t think I really have enough coherent thoughts on it to post anything person…but I’ll get back to it later.

Thoughts?

Baby News

2006-11-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

I’m finally out of the house (Isaac’s grandpa came and picked him up for some good old “guy time”) and now all I can think of is sleep. I am SO tired…but it’s ok. The real problem is that I haven’t had any caffeine today – fighting the drowsiness and the headache…blah. Anyways…I have news :)

The baby came last Thursday night – at 6:28pm, 5lbs 11oz Elijah Scott Pasley decided it was time to make an appearance. So, life’s been absolutely nuts lately. The baby was born in Maryville, but he had to be transferred to Cardinal Glennon Hospital in St. Louis soon after. Dana, unfortunately, had to stay in Maryville because she had a c-section and hadn’t been released yet. Needless to say, she was less than thrilled at the idea of being away from her new little boy who wasn’t doing well. He was having trouble with his heart and lungs. I’ve been working to make connections and get Isaac to different relatives house…and he has stayed with me a couple nights as well…crazy but good. He’s really done well visiting the hospital and being sent to different people’s houses. Well, last night Elijah got to leave the NICU and he’s on a normal floor. They’re even saying he might come home tomorrow!! So, lot’s changing and things are kinda in a state of controlled chaos…but change is good I guess. Hopefully I’ll get to take a pic of him and get it posted soon (though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who will be excited about it – that’s ok :)

Presenting....Gary and Stacie White

2006-11-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

this weekend i went home for Gary and Stacie's wedding. it was SO GREAT!! i'm not sure i've ever been so excited to see two people get married. they prove that waiting for the "perfect" match is worth it...no matter how long you have to wait :)

He Giveth and Giveth and Giveth Again...

2006-11-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

heard a speaker mention this poem/hymn a few weeks ago and it's stuck with me for a while now...this is a good time to be reminded...

"He Giveth More Grace" by Annie J. Flint

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

quick update...

2006-11-15T18:35:00.000-08:00

A little update…

Isaac has had 3 pretty good days this week – and I’m VERY proud of him!! Unfortunately, some life stuff is distracting me and I need to give him more encouragement and praise for being good. I still don’t feel like I known where my outlets or who my friends are around here…like, who do I call or go to when crappy stuff is happening at home or where something from the past comes back and knocks me down? How to I give “honest,” “real” prayer requests to my women’s bible study group when they don’t really know much about me and I’m afraid of what they will think of me or who they’ll tell? What if I really open up to them and they decide to tell Scott or Dana that I shouldn’t be taking care of their son? This is sort of heavy on my heart tonight because Wednesday is bible study morning. I don’t know. I feel like I have 2 different lives. The one that happens with Isaac and the one that I have to put off and “stuff” until night time (when, lately, my body doesn’t let me forget about it anymore – I’ve woken up every morning at 3am for the past 2 1/2 weeks)…anyways…this is the latest frustration. I’ll give you the summary because I’m sure no one really wants to know the details…but my heart aches…

Yet again, I find myself frustrated and upset by the reality that life isn’t always “fair” like I’d like it to be. I mean, I know “ultimately” I shouldn’t want life to be “fair” because I’m a sinner like everyone else – but I’ve sort of been smacked in the face with a situation that stirs up anger in me that I had stuffed away and forgot was there. I’m supposed to be happy and excited for this former “friend” of mine who’s getting another chance at marriage (it hasn’t even been a year since his wife died) – instead, I’m mad that this person, who hurt me and added another spot on my past that will influence my relationship with my future husband, gets a SECOND chance to get married and have a happy life– something I’ve kinda been struggling with lately (being single). Anyways, I don’t know what to do. I thought I was over the situation that happened, but I’m obviously not. It’s back stuck in my head and invading my dreams…frustration. And I guess something is going to have to change quickly so I can go to the wedding and at least pretend to be happy for him so no one will know something’s weird between us. What a stupid game. Sorry to whine – I’m frustrated that the pictures, words, etc get stuck in my head again and I feel like I can’t stop reliving it. I’ll stop now and maybe post some pics to balance out the negativity??

to be continued...

2006-11-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

post coming soon...what a GREAT WEEKEND!! :)

Happy Halloween!

2006-11-08T17:20:00.000-08:00

"blue" (blue's clues) and mommy as a hip 50's girl

who doesn't like a parade??!!

ramble... ramble...

2006-10-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

Getting too overwhelmed lately and sort of lost in myself…I’m trying to dive back into being busy, and specifically church things…that’s good stuff to get involved in and gets me out and with people…right? Well, the women’s bible study has been SO good for me to go to. I get to drop off Isaac, where he has a lot of fun with his friends…and I get to talk to people who know what I’m dealin with. They never minimize what I’m struggling with, tell me about how they can relate from their past experiences and then advice about how they got thru it. So yeah, I don’t know them real well, and they don’t really know me…but I think I might want to keep feeling things out and risking it a little more each week. I don’t know…

I realized Sunday that there’s more going on with me than just being overwhelmed by my job…there’s something more that needs to change…I need to change and knock away at some old crap I thought I was done with. Someone had a picture for me on Sunday and it really made sense to me. I have some stuff to pray about in regard to certain aspects of the picture…but I’ve been struggling to stay focused and quiet myself enough to hear. I’m REAL distracted and there’s a lot of noise going on in my head…anyways – if you think about it – I’d appreciate prayer. Ok…well, I’ve spent PLENTY of time on here…I should go for now.

O, and I almost forgot…I GET TO GO HOME TOMORROW!! WOOHOO!! I’m not sure I’ve ever been this excited to spend the weekend with my fam :) it’s going to be a short trip ( I get done watching Isaac around 430 and will have to be back around 6pm Sunday…but it will be good. I wish the youth group was going to be around…but this weekend is convention…it’ll be enough to be in my own bed :)

All for now…

jc

Mike and Shelly's Wedding

2006-10-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

whelp, i wanted to post pics of my cousin's wedding a while ago...and since this is my one night in three weeks i've had more than a few mins to post...here they are...it was BEAUTIFUL and made me sad that i don't know my extended family very well...i'm working on fixing that...

what a BEAUTIFUL day!!

my cousin mike and his new bride shelly :)

cousin LeeAnn and her daughter Macey (Macey's had a LOT of red punch tonight)

bestman - my cousin steve...partyin it up :)

4 weeks...still employed...and still alive :)

2006-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

let me begin with a quick note: i've been pretty frustrated lately...but...i DO love my new place, the Pasley's are REALLY good to me, and i love Isaac too...just so ya know...

o, and Raenelle...you wanted some details...so here ya go! :)

Whelp, I guess week #4 is coming to an end. I can’t believe I’ve been working her almost a month now. In some ways the time had totally flown by…and in other ways each day feels REALLY long. It’s been a while since I posted anything of substance…so maybe I’ll give some recaps of the highlights and lowlights of the past couple weeks….

-First week - my first weekend in Greenville was “little pig and apple days.” I was still trying to settle in and hadn’t made a whole lot of connections with people…so I went with the Pasley family. Scott’s kids, Dalton (8) and Kennedy(6), Dana’s parents, Dana’s sister, Isaac and I all headed into town (that’s so funny to say – “heading into town”…haha). Anyways…there were new experiences like sweet potato fries and pepper jelly…and funny stuff like trying to keep an eye on Isaac to make sure he didn’t drop-trow in public :) (we were successful twice – but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go I guess)…then we all headed back for his birthday party. There, I met the rest of the family…what a crew! A little awkward…but fun.

-Second week – my second week was relatively calm and for a second I thought I had a pretty good handle on things. I was trying really hard to get everything balanced out (and personally doing a pretty poor job of it)….so I was real tired and reaching my quota of alone/no-adult-convo time…getting pretty lonely. So, I joined the women’s biblestudy – more on that to come.

- Week three – this is when the real craziness started. I thought by the end of the second week that the time of Isaac testing me and testing boundaries was over. Man, I was SO WRONG! This was the worst – I spent lots and lots of time trying to tune out screaming and crying (I have a lot more patience than I thought I had)…by the end of the week his tactics had changed…he just got ornery. Thursday and Friday everything came to a head. Thursday we had out first little “war” over nap time…not that I didn’t have to work to get him down the other days…but this day was different…things were weird. He started getting out of bed and instead of sneaking around or running away…he made sure to find me and let me know he was not going to stay in bed. I put him back in bed for 2 hours. At one point, I was standing at the doorway and could hear him talking to himself (?)…saying things like “I’m supposed to stay in bed…what? You say I should get out of bed…ok….good idea.” I asked him who he was talking to and he said, “Roger.” Whelp – come to find out…he now has developed an imaginary friend…one who tells him to do bad things…it got a little weird that day. He started talking over his shoulder while I was still in the room…discussing with Roger ways to get around me…he said things like…”that didn’t work…I should try getting out the other side of the bed? Ok…good idea…I’ll try that.” I tried to talk to him about making “good choices”…and he said “Roger doesn’t like your choices. He says you choices are wrong. He doesn’t like you and said he’s gonna get you.” Ahh…a little creepy! I talked to his parents about it and they said that a couple months ago he talked about “a guy” and how they’d be doing something like going down the stairs and Isaac would make them stop and “let the guy go down first.” Roger hasn’t shown up must since then…just occasionally…but…I don’t know what to do about him in the future…

Anyways – Friday was just as bad. Everything was a fight or a crisis…lots of tears…but the tears stopped at nap time. Instead, he got out of bed again and again…laughing and just trying to get a rise out of me. After about 45 mins he asked me to lay down with him and hold him. I finally said “yes” because I just wanted him to stay in bed. So, I laid down with him and told him I was going to sleep – closed my eyes and tried to be still…had my arm around him a little. As soon as I was there he started pushing and kicking…finally said “let go!” and thru himself backwards…our heads connected (I didn’t see it coming – eyes closed)…and I thought I was going to have to go to the doctor. My head hurt so bad and I felt sick…bad deal…but Isaac didn’t seem to notice. I put him back in bed for another half an hour, finally sitting on the bed next to him and cried a little…I couldn’t help it…my head hurt and I was frustrated…he looked at me, laughed, and turned over and went to sleep. AH! Made me so mad! Well, I told his mom and she gave him a snack and said he needed to try to be a better listener…and that was it…no consequences. I almost quit…

- whelp, I didn’t quit…and now I’m here at week 4…it’s been a little better. Last weekend was Homecoming and the first time I really felt like Alumni. I played in the alum soccer game (made me feel old and I’m DEFINITELY out of shape) which was fun…and saw two heartbreaking losses for the men’s and women’s teams that afternoon. Saw lots of good and no so good people from the past…and in the end…Jenyne and Wendell surprised me! I ended up going out with them and Ray and her fiancé - it was a blast and good to have time with friends from the past…in some ways it was like old times…and I liked that we could get back to that :) Sunday night was crazy but good – more on that later…and last night was the “fab 5” birthday party. The are 5 boys at the FM where were born in the month of October, so there parents have been throwing a little combined party for them each year. It was good, cake, lots of juice, balloons, and some little $1 presents (always turn out to be the fav.). today it’s cold and rainy and we haven’t gotten the chance to run off all our energy…so he’s up early from his nap (which means I didn’t get a nap :( but I did get time to write which is good. Tonight I’m hoping to get out and away for a little bit…if this is posted tonight I guess I will have made it out alive :)

2006-10-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

smiley guy - at least for the moment :) look at those LONG eyelashes on those great big beautiful blue eyes...haha...

hee hee...

play-doh!

trains and buzz lightyear pj's ...life couldn't get any sweeter...

2006-10-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

post coming soon...computer's being stupid and a bad 2 days...i quit for tonight...

pics of the new place...

2006-10-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

the view out my livingroom window :)

close-up

kitchen

bedroom

livingroom (view from the kitchen)

livingroom (view from the stairs)

2006-10-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

pics coming real soon...but i forgot my camera back at the house...i'd go get it except i'm on my way to cheer on the women's soccer team and only had a couple mins to get online (man, did i ever get so sucked into the internet?? i have almost NO time for it now...hahah...excellent...)
jc
p.s. - raenelle...shoot me an email or comment or something...want to know how things are going for ya (i was a little confused by your last two posts...the poems are great but i could use some words too...love ya :) i'll be around this weekend if ya need/want to call.

2006-10-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Whelp – it’s been a week and a half since I started my new job here in Greenville…in some ways things are going better and in other ways I feel more lost than ever. I’m starting to get used to being a part of a new family. It was REAL strange at first because I felt like I was almost invading their space (I didn’t know them before I moved in). but now, I guess I’m getting more comfortable sharing space, food, stuff like that. I’m still a little awkward when it comes to evenings. I’m never sure how to act when they come home and take over. On one hand, I’d love to leave right away and go into town to find friends. On the other hand, I don’t want to insult them and disappear every time I’m “off duty”…I also don’t know how to act when I stick around and hang out with them for the evening…it’ll get better I’m sure.

Anyways – personally… I’m feeling pretty lost. The summer was SO long and being without a job really took a toll on me (and I let things slide). Everything just got sort of messy, I made compromises …pretty much I feel like I took some steps backwards…and I hate that. Sometimes I think ‘what the heck is wrong with me? Why do I do these things I don’t want to do?’ I mean, I used to have some major self control…over to the extreme end. I didn’t have any problems not feeling what I didn’t want to feel, not letting anyone bother me, not doing anything I didn’t want to …I don’t know…sometimes I wonder how I jumped from one extreme to the other…and which one is worse?

Well, all I now is that things need to change. I feel like I’m in a hole again…and I’m not sure where to start to get myself out of it. Though, I was reminded the other day that you can only worry about the ‘right now’ and try to get it right…instead of worrying about how many time I will or won’t have messed up from now to whenever.

I guess I figured out one place to start is working on how I spend my “time off.” I need to find ways during my week to get recharged…or at least keep myself out of trouble. I started yesterday by calling a mom I knew (I used to baby sit for a small group on weds. Mornings) and asked about joining the small group she is involved in. She told me I could come and drop Isaac off at the nursery and catch a ride with one of the moms. Now, I thought it was specifically a “mom” group…but I guess it’s a women’s group that happens to be made up of moms…but they said I’m going thru the same sort of challenges as a nanny and that they’d love to have a new perspective. So, it’s final…I’m going to be a part of their group. It’s helps to have some adult women to talk to, to ask questions, and Isaac loves getting to play with his friends in the nursery…works out for everyone (plus, if he’s good, we get to go to McDonalds with the other moms :) I’m also working on maybe spending some more time with people from church…but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask people for time yet…baby steps…

2006-10-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

*edit* - let me just say, I’m posting these after writing them at home during “nap time” – I was pretty tired and sometimes pretty frustrated by then – so I can’t promise everything will make sense or won’t be crazy…but at least it’s an update…right??

Well, I’m finally getting a chance to write. It would have happened a lot earlier but we don’t have wireless internet yet (so I have to drive to campus to post) and these first couple days I’ve been SO tired that by the time 430 comes I’m pretty much useless…I can’t even think straight. Adjusting to my new job/life in Greenville is proving a bit more difficult than I expected. I knew that things would be different, but I guess I assumed that I’d be so excited to be back “home” that everything would fit together easily. That’s not how it’s going so far. Let me try to explain…here’s a recap of the past couple days:

(wait a minute, I have to take a second to tell how much I love BBC-America…seriously, British humor is my favorite…so dry…the punch-line always left understated or not out-right mentioned…o man…the show on right now is “Keeping Up Appearances” – and I’m having to try so hard to contain my laughter so as not to wake Isaac up…ahh – it’s the highlight of my day…ok – moving on)

So, I moved to Greenville on Saturday – pretty much just moved boxes into the Pasley’s house, met Scott’s other children (Kennedy and Dalton – they come and stay every other weekend), and hung out with the fam.). Sunday I went to church (which was fantastic – mainly because I feel like I “belong” there), did some final shopping with my parents before they headed back to Janesville, met with Scott and Dana to get they’re expectations/rules/advice, and ended the evening at the Filby’s (which felt somewhat awkward – but was still good). And now we come to the first day of nanny-ing.

Well, I had gotten a heads-up from some people (including Scott and Dana) – that when Isaac doesn’t get what he wants he tends to throw huge fits – they’ve decided not to spank, do time-out, or any of that stuff…so they just wait out the tantrum and deal with him when he’s calm again. I don’t know what I was expecting (maybe I thought that I’d be able to keep a handle on things better than other people – stupid pride) but I got a wake-up call Monday. I had NO idea that a child could yell, scream, cry, kick, throw themselves around, and say the same three words over and over and over again for a little over an HOUR straight. Wow. I knew it would be real bad to give in to him…especially the first day…but after 45 mins or so…I started to wonder if I was doing the right thing. And so, now I’m learning new ways to be kind, but firm…and not take words so personally. Learning other stuff too…but those are the main things.

But really, on the other hand, Isaac can also turn around and suddenly be the sweetest, most generous child I’ve ever seen. He’s adorable and says some of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time. I’m getting used to our new “family breakfast deal” (decided to all meet for breakfast everyday at the same time…good, but early)…at the same time, I’ve started to look forward to Isaac running down the stairs to come let me know it’s time to come up :)

Another highlight involves sleep. Everyone knows I have trouble sleeping a lot…well, I finally have a job that makes me absolutely exhausted by the end of the day. It is such a blessing to be tired, knowing that it’s because I actually did something instead of being tired out of boredom. Also, I haven’t taken a nap in at least 6 years…when it’s hard to sleep at night its pretty much a given that naps don’t happen either. Well, my first day being a nanny, I got Isaac down for a nap and pretty much passed-out on the couch…really I’m taking my “nap time” right now to write this…otherwise I’d probably be ‘out’ today too :) so nice!

2006-09-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

this morning there was a principal shot by a former student...in Wisconsin...a little less than 2 hours away. we've had a lot of prank/harassing calls lately - we all know dad's a pretty tough teacher (so not exactly people's favorite), but this is his last year teaching...and today i wish he'd just retire early and come home right now - a whole year seems kinda long when you hear about this stuff...

Held...

2006-09-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, I can’t relate to the beginning part…but I love the middle…pretty much Natalie Grant is my favorite right now….

Natalie Grant \ Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)

Bridge2: If hope is born of suffering. If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)

The New Wheels

2006-09-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

whelp - i am currently mourning the loss of my mustang :( a friend of mine found an awesome deal on a car for me...and...well, mom and dad decided they didn't want mel to feel like she alwas gets the hand-me-downs so they decided to buy the car and give it to her. i was a little upset at first...but after a little bit i got REAL excited to give her the car. dad decided to surprise her when she came home for the weekend. long story short...we surprised her and she hated it...after much yelling and crying...dad gave her my mustang (with the promise of selling it in a few moths to get something else) and gave me the car that will be (for the kids i'll be watching) more "appropriate" and "responsible"....blah.... on the good side, this car is in GREAT condition. its a 1990 olds eighty-eight royal...but it only has 67,000 miles on it and the inside is in perfect condition...it's great...it's just not the mustang :( i'm sure i'll start to own the car soon...just hasn't happened yet.

SCCC Youth Group Update

2006-09-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

whelp - here was a new ice breaker i'd never heard of...but i liked it. everyone was split into 4 teams (middle girls/middle boys/srhigh girls/srhigh guys), given 2 rolls of duct tape - the object was to choose one team member and tape them to the wall. whoever stays up the longest wins :)

raenelle

joe

jacob

lauren

raenelle on her way to the "win" :) yep...she's on my team...haha

My New Address :)

2006-09-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

not as impressive from the back (unless you're me and get impressed easily by things with more than one story - sad but true) - but to get a pic from the front you've gotta take it from the water :)

haha - i now live on Sunrise Pt...how cool is that?? this is like (to me) one of those houses i couldn't dream of ever getting to live in...and i get the WHOLE BASEMENT apartment to myself!! WOOHOO! o yeah - did i ever give the details of this arangement?? free apt, utilities, food, use of boat/jetski/etc, and a little bit of cash every month. seriously - i'm not sure how much better the physical arangement could be :)

Here We Go - Back Up and Running :)

2006-09-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

Ok – Hi :) So, I’ve had a new computer for a week now…and no writing. I apologize – I’m working on fixing that right now – but I don’t know how it’s gonna go. We’ll see – no more promises of “things to come” …playin it by ear.

So, I thought the easiest way to start this whole update deal is probably with pictures. I think it’s gonna take me a little bit to get back into the swing of things and get to some good stories. So, here goes…I guess the biggest news right now is about my new job. I didn’t get the Epic job and was pretty crushed when I found out. Honestly, I didn’t even have an answer or something planned out to say in the event that they didn’t give me the job. I was unprepared…and that NEVER happens…well, I try to not let it happen anyways. But yeah, they told me know and I stammered out something stupid about “appreciating” them getting back to me. I don’t know. But, anyways, that night I talked to some people about my new job-less and option-less state and they were sympathetic. And that was nice. But, it didn’t stop there. Instead, I got a phone call the next day from my friend Sue. She told me the family that offered me a nanny job back in July (when I was SO SURE I had the Epic job) was still looking for someone and still wanted to talk to me. Long story short…I went to their house (the whole situation ended up being REAL comical which made things more relaxed I guess…thank Isaac:) and …So, I’m moving back to Greenville in 3 days. I’m going to take an online masters class – towards my MSW (it’s good enough to keep me on insurance which will be a big blessing – and really it looks like it’ll be pretty interesting).

So, that brings up a little stress here in the life of me. I’m excited to be moving back to Greenville – and afraid all at the same time. I don’t know – besides the somewhat “normal” fears about not being good at the job or not liking the job, I’m also worried about other stuff – stupid I’m sure…but I’ll lay a little bit of it out. Here are the main questions in my head – what if I can’t deal with life and not go back to old ways in this new situation? How do I find accountability (really – the last time sort of just fell in my lap)? Logistics about being a nanny – how to get into a routine, do’s/don’ts/etc…How am I going to figure it out? Am I pathetic for moving back to Greenville (is it a step backwards)? And some relationships are a little weird with a couple GC people – I don’t know what I did wrong or how to fix things – I’ve asked but they won’t talk to me about it…so…what to do there? How do I follow thru with people long distance (leaving in the middle of someone else’s crisis – how to “be there” when I’m not physically there”)?

Guess that’s most of it. I don’t know – guess I’m just sad…and that makes me feel stupid. I finally get what I thought I wanted (to leave and go back to “safe” Greenville – but I’m not sure it’s “safe” anymore) and now I’m not sure I want what I’m getting. Does that make sense? Who knows – I’m sure once I get down there things will calm down and I’ll settle in – though I wish I knew the family I’m living with a little better. I’ve heard they’re great people – and I’m sure they are – but I’m a little afraid they won’t like me or things will be “weird.” Guess it’s not going to change anything. I mean, I’ve committed to coming…so that’s what I’m going to do – I’m just scared of the unknown I guess….

JC

2006-09-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

promise an update to come...but right now our home computer has been KIA and i'm left to the library (that restricts basically anything and everything)...so if i can get to another one a REAL update will happen...we'll see...
news to come:
1.new job/moving
2.day with my camp girls
3.baby at church-miracle story :)
4.whatever else i can come up with that won't bore people to death...

jc

the answer...is NO...

2006-08-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

i don't know what happen...

don't know what i did wrong...

all i know is Epic "decided to go a different direction"...no real explaination...

my parents think i didn't get it because i'm not a guy (they'd have to travel with me every other week - not that i think about it...i didn't actually meet a woman in the position i was applying for - could that really have happened?)

a lot of time and hard work...2 1/2 months down the drain...

i was SO sure...

and apparantly i was SO wrong...

right now i have no other options...and i'm going to have to go home to more "nothing"...

i don't know what to say...

...disappointed.

brew crew :)

2006-08-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

off to a brewer's game in milwaukee!! the fam decided to make this the last full family thing to do before mel leaves for school. and....the brewers may ever WIN this game (i've never gone to a brewer's game where they've won) - but we don't really go to see them win anyways...the stadium's sweet...whole experience...fantastic...pics and stories to come :) GO BREW CREW!!

Spencer Lake Christian Camp

2006-08-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

my girls from camp called me up a couple days ago and have decided they want to get together next week and hang out. i can't believe these are the same girls who i was sure hated me at the beginning of camp - what a blessing...i realized i hadn't posted about camp...so here's a quick summary...

i agreed to be a camp counselor for a week - at a camp i didn't know and for girls from a church other than my home church. i was real nervous about the whole deal...and when i got there...my greatest fears were confirmed (i thought). the girls told me that i had been given the worst cabin, that last year they made their counselor's time so bad she swore she'd never come back, and said, "if you're smart you won't fall asleep" - - YIKES!! i wanted to go home...was sure i'd never make it. the week ended up being AMAZING. by the second day we were all getting along really well, had gotten to know each other, and i even got to pray for them during the service time. crazy. they became some good friends and i was so blessed to be their counselor. by the end i figured out why (i think) God specifically put our group together. i know what it's like to be misunderstood and need a second chance - and also being afraid that God wouldn't want to risk giving another chance to someone who might mess it up. a couple of them had that fear and i was able to speak the same encouragement i felt God was giving me about that sort of stuff in my own life. i was talking to our youth pastor Jason about life and he said that he keeps thinking about a specific verse when we talk...i've never thought about a "life verse(s)" but he said he thinks i should consider these verses from 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

anyways - so many changes that week. tought outer shells broken thru, people who said not to expect them to participate because they'd be sleeping most of the day showing up and cheering and participating, girls who were/are very VERY different defending each other. God showed up and the time was SO good - and i'm blessed to be able to remember it today - even though it was weeks ago. a lot of times i forget the times when God showed up in a big way when i couldn't see good coming from a bad situation...but now it's written down and i'll be able to look back...here are pics of my cabin :)

the last day...sad to leave (but you'll notice...this time we're all smiling :)

(l to r - nicole, elise, heather, me, danyele, leighann, shannon)

LeighAnn and Danyele

Elise

Spencer Lake

Heather

Nicole

"the tattoo" - they saw me doodling in my journal...thought it was cool...and insisted i draw it (with a sharpe marker of course - i was sure i'd get in trouble...this is church camp!) on everyone's righ forearm so people would know who's cabin they were in :) what a compliment!!

paper airplane presentation

2006-08-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

whelp - i don't have enough time to really tell you about the presentation - other to say that it went really well...i'll give more detail later...but here are some pics of the report i put together for each epic employee that attended the presentation. not too bad if i do say so myself - wish i had put that much effort in for some of my college work...o well...

cover

facts about flight, plane add-ons, and trouble-shooting (extra pages)

folding directions (pg1 of 2 - gotta love microsoft publisher - makes drawing SO much easier :)

fun paper for folding

the planes :)

interview...coming...quickly...YIKES!!

2006-08-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

o man, i can't believe it...the 14th has finally arrived. 11 hours and i'll be in my final interview at epic (someone told me today that there's a chance they'll tell me if i get the job or not before i leave the deal...but no promises...) just like every other time i've had a presentation to give...i am up the night/morning of trying to get something together. i've got most of it - really i have all the non-important details like handouts and stuff...but really no clue what i'll be saying. hopefully i'll be working it out in my sleep?? ;) ok - off to sleep for a few...lots of cramming to do for tomorrow. wish me luck!

jenn

...

2006-08-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

tonight i'm just having a tough time being me...

does that happen to everybody? does that even make any sense? (for once i don't even care if it does or doesn't)...

i've got to get back on track...i think i'm losing myself. this week i quit 'trying' (you know what i mean)...and it obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. something needs to happen quick before i don't care anymore.

p.s. - prayer request...tomorrow dad goes for the first part of his cancer re-check deal. recent health issues and some other changes in him make the appointment kinda a big deal...at least to my mom and i...so yeah...if you wanna keep him in mind that'd be good...

no title needed...

2006-08-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don’t even know how to start this entry – but the story is just eating and eating at me and I need some way to get it all out of me. I’m sitting here in Starbucks (I wish I could live here...comfy couch, coffee, computer…what more could I ever want or need?) I’m plugged into tunes but as I look across the store I see a couple having coffee – the wife is in tears and I wonder what they’re deal is. I’m heartbroken for her…she looks how I feel…guess I’m not the only one struggling to deal with life right now. Hmm, why is it that the things that happen that matter most to you are the hardest to put down in words? Maybe it’s the idea that I’ll get started and fall apart in public…or maybe the fear that I’ll put it down and feel stupid about getting worked up over a “little deal” – I don’t know…

Here it is…

It all started off with the fact that I’ve really been feeling extra lonely lately. Last week everyone was gone working except for me, the was no word on the job hunt, and just in general I missed my gc friends. So, I decided to try again…seek out people to be with…try to strengthen some sort of loose friendships around here. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped…but one sort of “friend” I’ve had the past couple years (one of those I only talk to or see when I come home for a visit – so – we’re working on things…but she is still someone I’m kinda careful with what topics I bring up with her because I don’t totally trust her yet) well, we made plans to get together. She has a 4 month old baby and has been looking for some company too – perfect, I thought. I should also say that I’ve kinda felt like she’s been my only friend around here – the only one who I can talk to or hang out with…started to value her opinion and the fact that she’s usually pretty supportive. Well, it’s all come crashing down.

I went over to her house on Wednesday because she said she was going crazy with her relatives that were visiting and could use a friend to come over…and of course I wasn’t busy and actually looked forward to experiencing someone else’s crazy family deals. While I was there she told me that she “just wanted to let me know” (nothing good ever starts out with those words…) that people from church had been talking about me behind my back. Well, at first I thought – what do they have to talk about? …no one knows the “real” me there…I was confused. Then I remembered that the two ladies she was talking about had been my mother’s two sort of confidantes during the time I left home in high school. All of a sudden there was this sickening feeling in my stomach…I knew exactly what she was going to tell me they were talking about…and sure enough…I was right. Apparently, the three of them (one is my friend’s mother) had gotten together at her house and started talking about all the “what if…is true?” and “her mom said back then that…” sort of things about me. Now, there is a little background I should give to why I care so much about this. When I first started coming to my church, after moving back home, I was scared to death that people might talk about me, worried about what they thought about me, etc. People I talked to at school said stuff like, “ya know, it’s probably all in you’re head, they wouldn’t talk about you like that…” and now to hear that it’s true…that I have become a part of the rumor mill…really it hit me hard. I was so disappointed and hurt and angry. My friend said she told me about the whole deal because she thought I should have a ‘heads-up’ about it before these ladies approached me about it. I couldn’t believe there was a possibility that someone might back me into a corner about something that may or may not have happened FIVE YEARS AGO. Anyways…the story doesn’t end there….

I ended up going to youth group that night, because I’m a youth sponsor, and was just real upset about things…this added on to a tough week with the impossible to please family…I was overwhelmed. But, I tried to hide it and just do my thing…but the youth pastor’s wife, Stephanie, asked me what was going on. I was afraid to get into any sort of detail with her and just wanted to be left alone…but let it slip that I had found out about some church ladies talking about me and that it wasn’t a ‘big deal’ but it was disappointing. Well, she didn’t let it drop…she let Pastor Jason know about it and he wanted the whole scoop. He wanted me to stay after youth group and talk about it - mainly so if it ever came up he could defend me and put a stop to things. So, the three of us talked…but in order to understand why I was upset he was going to have to know about some of my ‘story.’ He had asked about hearing my story sometime a few weeks before…and it ended up once the questions started being asked and I got going a little bit about one thing…it all started to come out. I think they were a little shocked…they thought they knew me pretty well…it was tough and awkward and good all at the same time. I finally have someone here that knows my deal and says it doesn’t matter – we’re still ok. It’s crazy to think that now I have an ally that’s willing to stand with me if anyone brings up the past. I wish that were where things ended – feeling raw and vulnerable but things being ‘over’ - but no…

I ended up going back over to my “friend’s” house a couple days later – just to hang out and see the baby and stuff…but it didn’t turn out like that at all. Instead, I figured out the real reason this “friend” of mine had brought up the gossip – she was looking to find out if it was really true too. I never ended up giving her an answer…and it’s a good thing I didn’t…she ended up going into this speech about “grace” (the pastor has been talking about it lately). It all boiled down to the fact that she, and these other ladies, believe that “the church (meaning our church) hasn’t been tough enough on people – we’re talking about grace but we’re willing to give it out to anyone and that’s not right” she went on to say that people shouldn’t be given grace for things that they’ve done and have ‘known better’ – pretty much anyone who sins after becoming a Christian. She said that people aren’t told enough that they’re wretched sinners and we don’t make people feel bad enough about the persons they’ve been, that people shouldn’t be allowed to minister or lead in the church if they’ve had a rough past….and on and on. In the end – it was more about people questioning whether or not I should be allowed to work with the youth.

And now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just feel knocked down. Been trying so hard to hold on to truth about who I am (living with family is tough) and this week I kinda just fell apart – just all this doubt and frustration…I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ll never get away from my past…people won’t let me. Wondering if I really shouldn’t think that God could/would use me…etc….

Yep – so there ya have it…don’t know if they’ll really drag things out…hope not. I didn’t think I could go to church again…but I did yesterday and kinda made it ok…Jason and Steph said they have my back…but they left for a week and I sort of feel like I’m in ‘no-mans-land’ a little bit. I’ll make it I know…but I’m just sad and disappointed…broken...think I need to learn more about God’s grace…because it’s now REAL obvious that man’s grace is not going to be enough…can’t count on it…

*sigh

JC

crash...

2006-08-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

i had so much that i wanted to tell you about the last month...i think it's going to be a while to i get to that. i've had the worst week of my summer and i'm just running low. the full story to come later - but i guess you could just say that i'm learning a whole lot about "grace" (or more the fact that God's grace and man's grace are SO different)...the fact that some people will never let you off the hook, that your "friends" can turn on you and you can suddenly feel they're strangers in a matter of seconds, that your past can still end up in the rumor mill 5 FREAKING YEARS after the fact...but as a result of trying to do damage control (SO tough to put your cards on the table) that just when you think you've lost it all...you can end up with an ally.

lonely and disappointed...but still here...

this song has been on the radio a lot and i like the words...so i decided to post it (cause i don't really have words of my own like this yet)...

He Will Carry Me \ Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

chorus

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

note-to-self: "skillz drop dramatically after 3 am"...

2006-08-01T02:47:00.000-07:00

new rule - no playing, watching, or even thinking about poker after 11pm...

i totally thought it was about 1am...nope...i underestimated just a little bit... it's 445am (seriously, how do i have people to play against online...why aren't THEY in bed??)

...this is why i need a job...haha...

planned to get up early-ish and start on some "projects"....guess i'll be up in a few...update coming tomorrow - i promise...

(now the only question is...do i eat breakfast before i go to bed??)

have a great day!!

:)

exhausted - what i wanted to say...

2006-07-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

today's been strange...nothing seems steady or clear. i've had two great weekends in a row and today i crashed - rushed with so many different thoughts, emotions, ideas...etc. and now, i'm getting ready to head off to my next 'adventure' - camp starts tomorrow morning (actually it's "this" morning now...wow, it's getting late) and i'm rushing all around trying to get everything i need (only had today to get anything together...have only known about it a couple days - plus they sent me this ridiculous 36 PAGE booklet about rules and other stuff about the camp i'm supposed to be "familiar" with when i get there...yikes)...

anyways - the confrence this weekend was SO GREAT i can hardly believe that i almost didn't want to go. i had forgotten how much i liked hearing the speakers until i got there and was overwhelmed by it all...getting to sit and soak it all in...priceless. it was kinda difficult to let myself relax being with my family - and so much i wanted to be able to process with another person and share...kinda overwhelming in my head.

so, i got back last night and was totally exhausted...woke up this morning and couldn't wait for the chance to call up some people and tell them all that i had/am learning, ideas, good words...i don't know...just a lot of great stuff. unfortunately...i ran into busy people... and not that it's the biggest deal in the world or anything...but i was just real disappointed. i think maybe it's something to try and discourage me about relationships and maybe cause some questions about the truths from the weekend...but i'm not going to let myself go there...not this time...for some reason i feel like this time i have more to lose. guess i'm going to try and allow myself to be excited (sometimes when i don't get the chance to share something that's going on in my life that i'm excited about i start to think i'm wrong for caring...but maybe not this time...i'm gonna try).

when i get back from camp i'd love to process this stuff from the weekend more. i need some sort of outlet...and i guess maybe this will be it - and maybe it'll be enough. i'm sure it'd at least be good to have some of it written out (sometimes i have a bad memory for the "good stuff" - know what i mean?)

i wish i had more time tonight...i'm afraid if i even tried getting into some of it i wouldn't have time to finish it...and that's be an awkward place to be...better to hold it in. i'm trying to finish packing and it's not going so well - so worried i won't be 'prepared' that i have next to nothing finished. why do i worry so much? i'm going to have everything i need even if i forget something i thought i needed. whelp...i'm going to have to get up early and finish.

off to bed...leaving tomorrow morning and get back friday afternoon...i'm a little scared but also fully believe this is where i'm supposed to be this week and good things are in store -- no hidding (more about that to come)...have a great week!! i will miss you (all 3 of you who read this...haha - now there's drawing a crowd...)

jenn

oops...

2006-07-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

whelp...guess i've run out of time. we're off to chicago in a couple mins...

in Jesus' name we WILL get along!

here goes nothing... yikes...

jenn

so...how do we feel about camping??

2006-07-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

additional quick note:

jason asked me tonight about being a camp counselor next week for senior high camp...

prayed about it on my way home from youth group and i'm gonna do it...

never done it before...but i guess we'll see how it goes...

guess this could be a great oportunity...

more to come...

jenn

almost...

2006-07-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

been trying to update for 2 days now...but every time i get online someone freaks out about tying up the phone. so, i WILL update later but wanted to at least have something here so i don't get too far behind...o well...it's ok...guess i'm still recovering from the weekend (which was fantastic...just hard to get back into the "normal" routine)...

so yeah...good stuff to come...
-epic news
-great weekend in g'ville
-the 4th
-prep for a conference in chicago with my mom and sister...tomorrow...

hope all is well with you...

jc

it's over...oops...

2006-06-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

i'm feelin pretty stupid...

guess there's a chance things went alright and i don't have a good measure of things...but i think i might have blown it too...i'm frustrated...more detail later :(

jc

uhh oh...

2006-06-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

ahhhhh....
10 mins till the interview...and all of a sudden i can think of all these reasons why this would be a great job to have...even up to this morning i wasn't even sure i wanted it...and now it's more like i think it's a "gotta have"....o man, now i'm nervous. glad it's a phone thing and not an inperson thing...i wouldn't be good for it today...

wow. ok - i'll update afterwards...i'd better run quick to the bathroom (without fail the last place i had 3 phone interviews for...they seemed to ONLY call when i was in there...ugh)...

7 mins now...yikes!

jenn

still awake and not thrilled about it...haha...

2006-06-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

three things on my mind tonight...
1. phone interview for epic in 14 hours...not really "prepared" yet and sorta nervous...
2. calling back for more info about g'ville job mentioned last post. still not sure if that's ok, but at least then i'll be better informed...
3. have to decide between making my parents upset (who i'm already having some rough times with - ugh) and chose to serve a sort of "friend" that's in kinda a tough spot (and i'm available to help out) or refuse and pretend like nothing's happening to appease the parental units so i don't have to hear about it...i don't know...

i'm exhausted...but this is the second time being up...

--yep--still havin a little sleep issue... initially thought i'd just get on here and search on the internet fairly aimlessly until i bored myself to sleep...but now i'm hooked on a national geographic program on ww2 which you would think would put most people to sleep...but i'm fascinated...

weird...

i'm predicting a starbucks run tomorrow morning...maybe i can get some things together and straightened out then...

Pics From Lake Geneva...Day of Random-ness...

2006-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

yay! monday is finally here...let the fun begin...

hats!

yep - they found some too :)

hahaha - so, they're a little inappropriate...but the fact that heather and reba are holding them up is what really makes it a funny pic...at least for me...

posing in the fountain...HOT! lol

finally, a pic with all of us...and the lake...doesn't it look refreshing?!

yay! kristina's here...(loungin at reba's)

fun times...

feet!

thoughts on the previous list...

2006-06-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

1&2 - skipping the long and boring fear and father's day comments - except to say i learned a couple things... 1. the suggestion that a certain someone in my family has gotten mel and i involved hanging out with someone because they "fill a void - doing things with us that dad isn't into" is wacked out. looking for someone to replace real family can be dangerous...guess i'm still a little upset about a situation i thought was over. figures. 2. sometimes doing something to "face a fear" is legit 'dangerous'...and sometimes it's just something to avoid a bigger fear. 3. you can't make someone care about their life. if they don't want to live or take care of themselves that's their choice...and trying to make threats or get them to do it "for you" just makes you feel crappy about yourself when they won't and you realize you're not enough to make them care.

3. on a happier note - last weekend i got a call saying some friends had made plans to come up to chicago for a wedding and stay the weekend up with one of our friends that lives in WI. they asked me if i wanted to come spend monday with them hanging out in Lake Geneva. seriously...is there any doubt how i responded?? i gave a good old "HECK YES I WANT TO"...haha...and couldn't wait. it's been real lonely around here...i've been making efforts to try to develop new relationships and stuff around here...but it's just been frustrating - nothing really workin out yet. haven't given up - but been super lonely...so to get the chance to hang out with a couple gc friends (annie, reba, heather)(muchless in WI :) ...i couldn't think of anything better!

so, we started off by meeting at starbucks down by the lake (starbucks...always a good way to start the day)...which led to taking goofy color pics around various signs, displays, and thru the nalgene bottles - which by the way maybe you look sort of like an alien. then, we were off to walk around and check out the various cute, randome, and odd shops around the docks. it was great...we pretty much just walked around being goofy, taking pics, trying not to spend any money, and just enjoying being in each other's presence :) around supper time we headed back to reba's house in trevor for dinner, icecream, and a movie...o, and kristina met us there (another one of my favorites!) so yeah - it was great...i stayed late and tried not to let the day end...but then it did...so sad...o, i'll post some of the pics from that day in a few mins.

4. i finally got a job interview!! next wed at 230 - first phone interview with a company called epic systems. they make computer software for hospitals, clinics, etc...so, a little outside of my career 'goals' but it could be interesting...

5. so, the army has been brought up again (by mom specifically - she talked to a guy about it). mainly thinking about the reserves. i'm sort of torn how to go about looking at it...or even if i should. some days i think about the army and wonder if i made a mistake not trying to get back in...not sure if i'm being stupid about it or if it's ok to consider it again...who knows...

6. a new job oportunity was brought to my attention...which initially should be a no-brainer (go for it)...but it's in greenville. i'm not sure if it's ok to consider going back. i admit, when i heard about it i was SO excited...the thought of getting to go back to friends, church, community...it made me feel like i could finally breathe again...it was like the idea of getting to go "home"...i don't know...is that ok? now, i know i've gotten the speech "jenn, it's time to leave greenville"...but i guess it's been a while and i'm having trouble remembering the reasons...like, was it just in general time to leave because i'm done with school and time to get a job? or something else? was i too 'comfortable'? in general am i supposed to see greenville as a no-go from now on? i don't know. it WOULD give me some experience i could put on a resume (vs. the computer job which really is stretching it as far as being applicable career experience)...i don't know...thoughts?

7. fighting - so much fighting yesterday...i spent most of the day in and out of the house just trying to get away from it...and then the issues sort of followed me. i tried to help by letting my mom talk it all out...let her vent. in the process she said something that maybe gave me some insight into why mom and i don't get along well. on the other side of things...i'm now considering that there is a BIG possibility that there IS such a things as being too honest...at least between parent and child. it all has to do with messed up priorities and her feeling worthless. that's really funny because i'm pretty sure most of us in this family struggle with feeling that way. we don't really show each other that we're worth anything, that we like each other, that we want each other around...everyone's perceptions about 'how things are' are so messed up, so different and conflicting, so false. i don't know...maybe here is not a place to share a secret...

maybe i'll just get on posting those pics...much happier topic...

jenn

2006-06-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

ok, guess i'm a liar...just couldn't make myself update yesterday or today (mainly because i was spending all my time escaping the yelling - o yeah, fun times...)

maybe some notes for later will help me get things going when i finally get around to it...

coming soon ...
1. sometimes "facing fears" turns into stupidity
2. father's day
3. day in lake geneva with friends :)
4. interview with epic systems
5. army question
6. new job optty - real torn how to feel about it
7. fighting - insight

i know it's a bit of a list... but don't worry - i'll probably never get to all of it...

2006-06-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

i know it's been a little bit since i posted anything substantial...but i'll give a better update tomorrow morning...lots to talk about - random as ever...

2006-06-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

i want someone to be on my side...

2006-06-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

*POP!*

that's the sound of life popping my "bubble"...things just aren't working out like i thought they might...frustrating....

tomorrow i think the plans going to involve getting up early-ish and sneaking off to the library (free wireless) to update better...home has this like heaviness, a fog that makes it hard to think and process and write....

till then...

jc

third post...like a third strike...

2006-06-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

the night's going a little downhill....
"obsession"...it's kicking my butt...
time for bed - maybe a little escape and more "fight" tomorrow...
jc

"Cows on the Concourse" - only in WI...

2006-06-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

so - this is crazy...and could probably take a lot of "wisconsin-ite"/northern teasing for this...but this stuff is FUNNY! here's the deal...there's this thing going on called "Cows on the Concourse." there are these ceramic cows all around capital square...dressed up in cool and ridiculous ways...they're going to be auctioned off to raise money for the united way or something like that. anyways - we had to take some pictures...wish i could have posted more of them...but these will do for now...enjoy.... :)

what? you don't recognize robin yount?? of the Moo-waukee brewers...

is she gonna fit??

yep, guess so...she's ready to get moo-ving...

told you she had horns! (unfortunately this pic also gives her a crown and a wand)...geez...

oops...haha

PUSH!!...PULL!!

tried to pretend we were sleeping on the cow like farm kids...but this cow was right outside a restraunt with a bunch of older rich people looking out the window and laughing...just couldn't hold it together...

half-and-half cow

ok - just TRY and tell me those weren't funny ;)

Capital/Monona Terrace

2006-06-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

whelp - saturday was interesting. the family decided to go up to madison for an afternoon of shopping and enjoying the city. our usually fav food spot is around capital square...but they're in the middle of a move and sadly weren't open at their new location yet. so, we decided to try this place called brocach. dad and mel had checked it out one time after a teacher lobby deal at the capital last year (it's right across the street)...so we headed over. i have to admit..it WAS awkward to be going with the fam to a pub. it's an irish pub with a lot of authentic food and a lot to drink. the food was great (different...but great)...but dessert got "interesting." here's the deal...

(a note to put things in context...my parents are WAY against alcohol...gave it up years ago...don't even talk about it...) so, i took a phone call after dinner, assuming as usually we would skip dessert and head on out shortly. but, when i got back to the table, they were in the middle of ordering. we got two desserts to share...dad ordered this irish cream cake thing and mel ordered the sorbet (cabernet - yep - wine). i guess i sort of gave my parents a weird look - they weren't exactly paying attention to mel's ordering - and slowly they got the picture. the waitress brought the desserts and everyone dug in...it was then REAL obvious - gotta love that aftertaste

...it came out that mel thought it would be grape sorbet...she was wrong. i guess my parents didn't know much what to do...mom started making jokes and seriously started to hog the thing, dad made comments about mom and "how she gets" when she drinks, etc...what a mess. it was good...but the convos were getting ridiculous. you think that's weird..just wait.

so, after dinner we went for a "walk" around the concourse area: the capital, monona terrace (this building with great architecture, lookout points, and collections of Frank Lloyd Wright stuff... pics below)...and then...we found "them"...the cows (see next post :)

the pub - simple outside, beautiful inside...perfect

view of capital square from monona terrace

inner hallway

crazy cool flowers on the roof

view of lake 0ff monona terrace rooftop

good day...

2006-06-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

new plan starting tomorrow...i'm going to try to write in the mornings...my brain is pretty much worthless by night time. but anyways...today started off a little crappy but with a little attitude adjustment and a little qt with dad...things got a whole lot better. i woke up this morning with a lot of questions...you know, those sort of unanswerable ones that you think about and go around and around with...and potentially driving yourself crazy and sending you rocking in some corner somewhere?

anyways, got up in a bad mood and frustrated. so, after some not so civil conversation with my sister and finding that my dad had fallen asleep AGAIN (frustrating...he could sleep all day...and sometimes does even though there are things to do)...i grabbed my ipod and set off for a walk. o man, lots to think about (and i had a lot to say on it but like i said before, my brain is mush right now...will try again tomorrow)...but i ended up in a little better mood - realizing a lot of my trouble here at home is my own fault - for not taking responsibility/action to change some things that i can (i know that might not make sense....later.....) but anyways... i came home and got ready for the day...and then went to find out what dad was up to. he was on the way out of the house and i asked to go with him...he said yes :) and even better...mel didn't want to come with us. don't get me wrong...i love my sister and doing stuff with her is fun...but i don't get the chance to do stuff alone with my day very often at all.

so yeah...exciting... we started off by going up to his school (on the way to ft.atkinson to get some supplies for dad's summer school class) - while in milton...he decided to give me this hour long tour. he took me all around the town...showing me the different places he and my mom lived when they were first married, told stories of "famous/imfamous" people, and other places with interesting 'facts.' it was kinda cool (thank you kristen markell - who told me the best times she's had with her mom were when she asked her about the past...about her life...etc...it worked today). then we went to get all the different supplies dad needed for class (starts on monday). he's teaching a class on origami (math nut :) and we went to this educational supply store that had all this crazy cool nerdy stuff - we played with a lot of "toys" and it was all in all pretty fun (yeah, we're nerds and it's fun to look at that stuff together because mom and mel usually get annoyed and don't really share our love of learning - or maybe it's more an obsession with certain topics...who knows). on our way home we stopped at his school again and picked up the rest of his origami books so he can study up and practice before monday. while there i found his "secret" stash of food in the closet (it's been in pretty much the same spot since i've been around - can always find candy and stuff there :) and we played around in the teachers lounge a little. we left - picking up some "souvenires (sp?)" aka - stuff from the lost and found....and headed home to try to share stories from all the craziness that was our day together...mom and mel didn't get it but it was fine.

then, dad decided to take us out to eat and we went to this great place on Lake Koshkenong for fish...the restraunt is on a golf course and there were WAY classy people there...we like to play along and pretend we fit in. so, after a night of good food and a "show" (and by "show" i mean listening to this really loud guy who sounded like John Candy - talk nonsense about anything and everything...never heard someone pretend to know so much about so much...or really...who knew so little about so much...it was ridiculous...so much that we didn't talk to each other we just listened to him and tried to conceal our laughter.

...finishing up with a little bickering and mom and dad going to bed early...mel and i left to end the night with mind numbing tv...good times....

so, i guess if you try hard you CAN actually "make" it a pretty ok day...

guess there IS hope for tomorrow being ok too....

jenn

Lake Koshkenong

2006-06-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

the clubhouse...

stuck in my head tonight...and too tired to write anything with substance...

2006-06-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

again...i think this attempt at posting is going to be a lost cause. i think of things all day long i want to write about...then don't get around to the blog until it's late and i'm tired and not really thinking as clearly. and here it's happened again. i guess i can give a few (sure a "few" will turn into a bunch) bullets on the day (from my head - incomplete thoughts - lots of questions)...

-i keep telling people life at home will probably get better once i get a job and into some sort of schedule/routine...and now i think...maybe i need to get myself into some sort of schedule even without a job (getting up by a certain time, having a to-do list of some sorts, really-anything to get up for in the morning)

-i've been seditary (sp?) for way too long. i played sand volleyball last night and could tell i'm outta shape. you'd never know by looking at me that i played college soccer 8 months ago - i'm really getting soft and heavy...yikes...stressin me out a bit...

-i don't know the different between "resting" and being lazy - i don't "rest" well anyways so i guess it doesn't really matter what the difference is...i feel pretty worthless right now...no purpose...

-why am i in Janesville right now? is there a reason (besides money)? does life get better as time goes on? will i ever get the guts to do something/go somewhere/follow thru with a dream? why am i so "soft" right now - and is there such a thing as "too soft"? (more on that later - i feel pretty wussy tonight)

-who am i? who do i want to be? (how do you even figure out the answer to those two) and after figuring that out - new question - will i make it there?

-why can't i just relax and see what happens? why do i have so many questions?

as you can see - a lot of inside head stuff today...maybe too much...i'm a little overwhelmed. nevermind...to bed i guess...
nite...
jenn

still here...

2006-06-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

ok - so i didn't run away - go figure (decided to put it off for a little while :/ we'll take it day to day). anyways, i hadn't posted for a while and felt like i should. not sure i have a whole lot to say...at least tonight...there's a lot in my head but little that i feel like i can let go of from there - everything's mid-process. tonight i had my sort of first failed attempt at getting out and back with people. tried to hang out with a friend from high school that i've kinda kept in touch with here and there...it was real awkward and both of us left things kinda weird. i don't really know how to explain it, but for some reason it seemed we couldn't be ourselves around each other. i don't know why we were so guarded and why every sentence seemed like such a struggle...but maybe there's still hope for us...i don't know.

this friend and i went to the church baseball games tonight...hoping to catch up with who ever showed up. i ended up seeing another kinda former friend of mine...things were sorta high tension and awkward with us too...but tomorrow i'm going to hang out with her a little bit. i think it'll go alright but i'm a little worried. i think i need to just relax, be myself, and trust that who i am is ok and not something to be worried about. i also think there's a part of my "story" i should share with her - it could go either way...and i'm not sure why i'm supposed to get into things with this person...but i guess i'll pray about it more tonight and before i go tomorrow and just trust that if God wants me to do it then there's a good reason i'm just not aware of. i don't know...overall i'm disappointed with my day (except for applying to another job) feel like my attempts at anything and everything have ended up in failure. guess there's always tomorrow...man, i need a job...i can't take being home (at least physically staying at home with no purpose) much longer....sorry...no good update yet...maybe tomorrow i'll have something better to report.

o wait...there HAS been something good in recent days - once yesterday afternoon and this morning i got phone calls from two of my favorite people...and that made me smile :) *thanks*

jenn

and it starts...

2006-06-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

whelp - i'm definately home...
fighting again...
i want to run away...
jc

the night before...the end...

2006-05-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

sad tonight - it's been a great couple of days (that i didn't expect - great blessing to end on a good note)...tomorrow i leave for home...no way around it. it's really happening-can't deny it anymore. there's a bunch i should do tonight...but i can't make myself...don't know how i'm going to do it tomorrow either. i cried about leaving a lot last week...and this week i just feel numb. i guess it's sort of good to feel that way or else i probably would have never gotten anything done...but tonight i feel stuck and torn and confused and all that stupid stuff...maybe things will be better tomorrow...
gnite...
jc

random...

2006-05-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16

-being "priests" to one another...my mom did it for me once when i was about 5 - sometimes i forget about the things she's done for me...-re-assurance - maybe the reason i couldn't sleep back then when i was 5 is the same reason i don't sleep well now...hmmm...what do i do if that's true...something i'm going to have to take more time to think about....(i know that was a whole bunch of words that didn't really say anything in the end - guess i didn't tell the story of the pic...but maybe you've already heard it ...if not ask...just weird to write out...at least tonight it is...moving on...

-things are changing - i'm at a place of "where do i go from here"...stupid questions like: what am i going to do when this happens? who am i going to ask about these kind of things? where am i going to look for these kind of people? who am i going to be to people? what are others going to be to me? how do i make this kind of decision? how do i start over? where do i start starting over - - i'm sure you get the drift...

all my thoughts for tonight...a lot of nothing i guess...

yaconelli - say it - it'll make you feel better.... :)

2006-05-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

wow - check this out - two posts in one day. is this like extra credit??

so, today i really wasn't sure what i was going to do with myself all day. i had sort of assumed that there would be people getting together some time today...but i asked around and some people are going out of town and others said, "i'll call ya if i hear anything..."...so really, nothing to count on.

at first it really bummed me out. talking to people about hanging out before i leave - everyone wants to try for tuesday (too bad the couldn't spread it out ...but it's nice to be liked i guess :) anyways - since this discovery of pretty much no more financial ties to g'ville (except the school loan stuff)...it was totally ok for me to dream about putting a little gas in my car and driving to fairview to spend the day in borders, surrounding myself with books and perhaps buying a cheap one. then i remembered it was Memorial Day and they'd probably be closed...so i called...and to my pleasant surprise - they're open!! woohoo - it's totally on (on like Donkey Kong - as Lappe would say)

so, i spent a LONG time in borders...a couple of hours (which i guess isn't really long for some people...but that's a long time for me to consider doing anything by myself) well, i had a GREAT time - though i'm sure the borders staff (that kept doing circles around me - much like some sort of stalking animal, waiting for it's prey to make a wrong move). i thought it was probably fairly shady to actually sit in a book store and read a whole book and then put it back and leave the store without buying it - but i made an attempt...haha - the task was too great for me. so, after finding out that borders has that stupid tmobile not-free internet crap...i made my way to st.louis bread co and i'm enjoying just relaxin with FREE wireless and remembering the great stuff i read all day...i'll share...

i was looking for Mike Yaconelli's book "Dangerous Wonder" because i had to give it back to the friend i borrowed it from before i finished it...but while i was looking for it i came across another Yaconelli book (ps - it's a fun thing to say - Yaconelli - try it...it'll make you feel good:) "Messy Spirituality" - the title caught my attention immediately - and then this from the back roped me in "God’s Annoying Love for Imperfect People - this book is for those who are caught in spiritual perfectionism - think they don't read enough, pray enough, know enough - and forget about God's affinity for the imperfect" here are some excerpts that caught my attention (sort of random - but they're good) :

"Messy Spirituality unveils the myth of flawlessness and calls Christians everywhere to come out of hiding and stop pretending. Messy spirituality has the audacity to suggest that messiness is the workshop of authentic spirituality, the greenhouse of faith, the place where the real Jesus meets the real us.

“When we sin and mess up our lives, we find that God doesn’t go off and leave us – he enters into our trouble and saves us.” Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

Incompetence – Messy spirituality describes our godly incompetence. No one does holy living very well. Spirituality is the humiliating recognition that I don’t know how to pray well. I don’t understand God’s Word or know how to navigate it properly, and I don’t know how to competently live out my commitment to Christ. Messy spirituality affirms our spiritual clumsiness.
I grew up in a church where dancing was frowned upon. As a result, four decades later, I still can’t dance. Even worship dancing causes my heart to race because I am desperately afraid of anyone seeing my stiff, awkward attempts to make my body move. Because I am a lousy dancer, I avoid any experience in which dancing is a possibility.
When it comes to the spiritual life, I am amazed how many of us don’t know how to dance, we stand before God, the music starts playing, and we are embarrassed by our incompetence. The church has communicated that competence is one of the fruits of the spirit and that, therefore, spiritual people are supposed to live faith competently. So many people are afraid of embracing the spiritual life because of the possibility they might say or do the incompetent thing."

oh, and one more thing - this story he tells (really he's quoting a story Anne Lamott tells in her book Traveling Mercies...) it's kinda a new way to think about God. she's pretty liberal and i don't nessesarily agree with everything she writes...but it was a neat pic in my head about God's pursuit of us- i don't know - i just liked the story - here it is:

Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recofnize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in to his outrageous, indiscriminate love?

Anne Lamott, a fellow messy Christian, describes perfectly what happens when Jesus pursues us. In her book Traveling Mercies, Anne recounts her conversion to Jesus. Things were not going well in her life: addicted to cocaine and alcohol, involved in an affair that produced a child whom she aborted, helplessly watching her best friend die of cancer. During this time, Anne visited a small church periodically. She would sit in the back to listen to the singing and then leave before the sermon. During the week of her abortion, she spiraled downward. Disgusted with herself, she drowned her sorrows in alcohol and drugs. She had been bleeding for many hours from the abortion and finally fell into bed, shaky and sad, smoked a cigarette and turned off the light.
She writes: “After a while, as I lay there, I became aware of something there with me, hunkered down in the corner, and I just assumed it was my father, whose presence I had felt over the years when I was frightened and alone. The feeling was so strong that I actually turned on the light for a moment to make sure no one was there and of course, there wasn’t. But after a while, in the dark again I knew beyond any doubt that it was Jesus. I felt him as surely as I feel my dog lying nearby as I write this.
And I was appalled…I thought about what everyone would think of me if I became a Christian, and it seemed an utterly impossible thing that simply could not be allowed to happen. I turned to the wall and said out loud, “I would rather die.”
I felt him just sitting there on his haunches in the corner of my sleeping loft, watching me with patience and love, and I squinched my eyes shut, but that didn’t help because that’s not what I was seeing him with.
Finally I fell asleep, and in the morning he was gone. This experience spooked me badly, but I thought it was just an apparition, born of fear and self-loathing and booze and loss of blood. But then everywhere I went, I had the feeling that a little cat was following me, wanting me to reach down and let it in. But I knew what would happen: you let a cat in one time, give it a little milk, and then it stays forever…
And one week later, when I went back to church, I was so hungover that I couldn’t stand up for the songs, and this time I stayed for the sermon, which I just thought was so ridiculous, like someone trying to convince me of the existence of extraterrestrials, but the last song was so deep and raw and pure that I could not escape. It was as if the people were singing in between the notes, weeping and joyful at the same time, and I felt like their voices or something was rocking me in its bosom, holding me like a scared kid, and I opened up to that feeling—and it washed over me. I began to cry and left before the benediction, and I raced home and felt the little cat running along at my heels, and I walked down the dock past dozens of potted flowers, under a sky as blue as one of God’s own dreams, and I opened the door to my houseboat, and I stood there a minute, and then I hung my head and said,…”I quit” I took a long deep breath and said out loud, “all right, you can come in.”
So this was my beautiful moment of conversion.

so, i think i'm gonna need a little more time to process all this...but something to chew on for a while...i'll get back to you on this one...

whelp, guess i should probably get going. i'd like to believe that i'm going to be productive and do the final cleaning stuff in my apt - but i probably won't til late tuesday/wed morning...o well...off to find good war movies or read my new book (which by the way is about the life of Corrie Ten Boom - she's amazing - i heard a talk she gave and it was great (besides the fact that she's dutch and sounds/looks like i imagine my great-grandma was) so i'm excited to learn more about her life)

- yes, today i revelled in being sort of nerdy :)
jenn

happy memorial day...

2006-05-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day!

usually, i hate to admit it, but i don't really like Memorial Day (except that it seems the only "acceptable" time to spend a whole day laying on the couch watching old black/white war movies and not be labled some sort of freak (at least not to your face) :) - i love them!!). but with the day there's a lot that has to do with death and stuff - so i tend to steer clear of remembering anything having to do with the day. but, maybe i feel a little bolder this time around...or maybe i'm just bored...either way - here - i've got a soldier i can remember today...photo tribute to someone who was, at one time, my best friend...
(hmmm - that makes it sound like weren't not friends anymore because we had some sort of fight or something - that wasn't it - cancer's a punk)...

who can resist a man in uniform?? not my Grandma Briggs that's for sure :) what an army stud!

ok - so mel and i are lookin kinda goofy here - really - we all are (but this was in the stage where mel refused to take a "nice" smiling pic...so we all decided to act goofy like her)

grandma and grandpa were in a group called the "chorus-ters" (singing and dancing stuff)- - lookin good ;)

great news!!

2006-05-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

So, great news!! Well, great news for me : ) So, anyone who’s been around me the past month or knows I’ve really been stressing out about money. Pretty much, I thought that I had a month’s rent and a gas/elec bill due before leaving Greenville. So, that’s a fair sum of money…I’ve been watching my money like crazy (pretty obsessively). Anyways, I’ve been working at VBS this week and ran into my landlord tonight. He wanted to let me know about the final gas/elec bill – I had forgotten about the security deposit I paid last July…they’re going to use that money to pay the bill and then send me whatever is left-over (now this is AWESOME…but it gets even better). I told him that sounded great and then, to confirm the deal with the rent, said “I still owe a month’s rent, right?” To which he replied, “why would you?” - - apparently, I’ve been paying forward…paying for the coming month and not the one that had passed! So, I owe NOTHING…which means, all this money I’ve been trying to save up for the end…it’s mine : )

I can’t believe how stupid I feel. I mean, I’ve been saying things like, “hey God, I don’t know how you’re gonna provide here…I don’t know how I’m going to get the money without asking my parents for help….etc….”…and here…God had already worked things out way back in July – I was stressing and holding out looking for a provision that had already been made…I just didn’t know about it yet. Un-necessary stressing…that’s stupid… well, I guess feeling dumb is better than feeling desperate…so yeah, this is GREAT! No more money stress…huge weight off…can’t believe it could have been off a long time ago…guess I’ll do better next time...
jenn : )

Ruthie's 3rd Birthday - The "Pink and Yellow" Party...

2006-05-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

everybody likes presents...

cake's more fun when you're allowed to get it all over your face!! :)

eli, peyton, ethan...

it's good to be with friends :)

ruthie, isabel, and sophie...trying very hard to make a beautiful cupcake and not get too sticky...

each present is new, exciting and loved dearly...

a new baby...this is number 4 or 5...no name yet, but she's have one by the end of the day. each one is special (and this one came with all the baby-sized extras...VERY exciting...

big-girl dress up stuff. the princess is ready for the beach...and she's going in style. hmm, she has a purse/bag...and she's only 3...i have some girly catching up to do...

my kiddos!! :) man they're getting SO big...the little princess and her knight!

stalling...

2006-05-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

Pardon my posting this morning as I whine a little…..

--------------------

I’m stalling…I don’t know what to write…but I know that if I don’t start coming up with something I will have to leave and return to my apartment…coming face to face with the fact that it’s Thursday afternoon, and my parents are coming Saturday, expecting my apartment to be totally packed up. And really, I want to be packed up when they get there – so they don’t have deal with my stuff and so tensions don’t run so high. Usually I’m too busy or too stressed (about the whole moving home process ) to actually pack up anything until they come to “help” me. Inevitably, the day or days they come are horrible for everyone involved…everyone gets cranky and fights with each other (I don’t blame them…packing someone else’s stuff (because they didn’t do it themselves – verses being helpful) is probably sucky. Anyways – I don’t want to be that person again…I want things to be different…prove that I can be an adult and take care of things by myself.

Really, I think that’s I’m always trying to do. I act like I have something to prove. It used to show its self in angry/hard hearted sort of ways. But I think back then I was just trying to prove that I was strong – unknowable and thus harshly consistent emotionally – the thought – “there’s no way you can get to me…I just won’t let you…nothing you can do can hurt me or affect me”…and now it’s this push…this anxiety – that I’m not doing enough, don’t know enough, am not enough. All this striving, it’s stupid, I’m pretty sure that it won’t get me anywhere…but I want to have control over what my parents think about me. I want to be able to figure them out – have some consistency in our relationship. Even though my head knows that there’s a real good chance things aren’t going to change any time soon (as far as how my parents and I interact )…I let myself have too high of expectations and then am upset when they can’t meet them.

It’s hard to change. It’s hard to just let things be as they are. I see other people and how they get along with their family and I get real jealous (which is wrong) and I get angry that we’re not “like that.” I get tired of looking for the ‘good moments’ and struggling to hang on to them as some hope that God could/would change us. I don’t know what to think today. I know home’s not going to be easy and I shouldn’t expect it to be. I know that other people have it a lot worse at home than I do and I should be thankful that my family is allowing me to live with them again. It’s gonna take some work. Don’t get me wrong…I love my family…but we’re not exactly ‘close’…I don’t know how to love them ‘right’ and don’t know how to accept the ways they try to show me love.

When I’m around them I become this person I hate. The one who’s cold and short with people, gets frustrated easily, shuts down in conflict…all that crappy stuff. I become this person who is pretty sure that everyone’s looking down on them, has expectations I’m either not or can’t meet, or that I owe them. I spend all this time and energy on worthless things…things that don’t matter…over possibilities and not facts. I don’t want to be that person again.

Ok – enough for now…more to come…just can’t think about it any more right now. Maybe things will look different later on…it’s time for a birthday party :) Ruthie Pierson turned 3 years old on Tuesday and I’ve been invited to her “Pink and Yellow” party (her two favorite colors) – I love her and her brother a ton!! - - she’s growing up way too fast….pictures to come I’m sure :)

jenn

2006-05-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

ok - so one day a bunch of us were looking for something to do...we popped in a movie and amber brought over a ton of art stuff - these are my attempts at being artsy...they're not "good"..but they're something...(the first three are probably sideways - i forgot to edit the pic)...i think this one might be my favorite - probably because there's a lot of color and i can't really explain it....

2006-05-23T12:08:00.001-07:00

oops - it's sideways - the purplish part should be a the top...anyways - question - do you think the stuff is falling down or being drawn up?? hard to tell huh?

2006-05-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

well, this one wasn't exactly my favorite - it was my first attempt - but i'll claim it i guess....

2006-05-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

"the collection" - who knows what i'm gonna do with this stuff....

it's like drowning...

2006-04-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

-so i think i've come to understand drowning victims a little better tonight....

...why they might fight the lifeguard
(though he's in the 'saving' business cause he can do it)
...and sometime seal their own disastrous fate
...because it's scary to give up control
(especially when you feel like you're dying)
...even when you know you need a savior

-many times i chose to fight and drown rather than give up - - and that's stupid (no good way to say it)
-and i'm tired of being stupid... (it costs too much)

-more to come later...'cause tonight i'm totally spent...

New Thoughts - New Attitude

2006-04-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, since my last post there has been a lot of changes, lots of ups and downs, a regular old life-sized rollercoaster – craziness. Yeah, I’m not going to go back into any of the topics I meant to touch on – I think they’re better left in the past. So, on to now J

Fairly random thoughts as always…two topics….

1. Love
Ok – so I think I’ve written about this topic before – but I’ll go back there again…why not. Well, it’s been brought to my attention, frequently, that my ideas about love, especially God’s love, are most of the time kinda off. And more recently, that I’m the one standing in the way of his love for me. The idea that he’s offering it and I won’t accept it. Sounds kinda ridiculous in one sense because I feel like one of my heart’s cries is – love me, know me, then love me anyways….if that makes any sense. I’ve gone around and around for years with the whole – God couldn’t love me because of this and this and this – sort of thing. But now, maybe I’m starting to see that I’m not God- and I don’t get to decide what he can or can’t do. Who am I to try to put rules on his love? I guess I could acknowledge his love for me and say – wow, I think that’s crazy…I wouldn’t do that if it were the other way around – but not dismiss it as “impossible” or “improbable.”

Anyways – so Sunday I had some sort of new “aha” moments. Here are some new thoughts: Maybe some things that are too good to be true are more real and present than I can handle acknowledging. I’ve said that God’s love for me is too good to be true – and that’s why I can’t accept it. Guess that’s probably impossible. “too good” implies that whatever I’m speaking about is to an extreme – making it bad…and I guess I believe that what God does is always good and right – so this whole ‘too good’ thing can’t be true. Maybe the ‘too good’ part is the point. Maybe it’s the fact this it is so good that should blow my mind and cause me to rejoice…not reject. Is it a choice to accept and rejoice? ..because my gut reaction seems to be rejection. Maybe it’s something that you have to choose until it becomes natural – maybe that’s growing into faith and trust…I don’t know.

2. “Risky Curiosity”
So, I’ve just started this book “Dangerous Wonder” (couple days and it’s seriously changing me already :) anyways – the second chapter is called “Risky Curiosity” – talking about how we perceived questions as a child verses now – how some people lose their desire to know because of new obstacles that come with adulthood. The book talks about 4 assumptions that get in the way.
#1. “Questions Can be Embarassing” – “According to this assumption, it’s embarrassing to admit you don’t know something. What is important is never to reveal your ignorance. Don’t admit you don’t know something because others may think less of you. Flannery O’Connor said, ‘mystery is the great embarrassment to the modern mind.’”
#2. “Questions Can Make People Uncomfortable” – “Questions can cause other people to question. Our doubts may resonate with other people’s doubts.”
#3. “Questions Can be Dangerous” – “If we ask too many questions, the resulting answers may cause us to have to change. We might become accountable for truth and have to act upon it.”
#4. “Questions Can be ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’” – “All of us have had the experience of asking a question, only to be told the question was inappropriate, irrelevant, or ‘wrong.’ ‘Wrong questions reveal a lack of faith, a refusal to believe, a rebellion, a carnal heart. There are unwritten rules.” (pgs 38-39)

Ok – some thoughts from yesterday’s journal: I DO remember a time of wonder/curiosity; a time where I not only felt free to question anything and everything (outside of a school setting), but I had this burning desire to know and be known. At times, with certain subjects, it was almost as if it were my job to question and gain as much insight into things as possible – a curious obsession of sorts – I guess. Really, I used to be fairly fearless in every area of life. I was the kid who wanted to take on the big challenges. I wanted to do and say whatever came up, overcome the impossible, test my limits and then do it again. Specifically, I remember wanting to be risky to try to “stay fearless.” What the heck happened to me? When did I decide failure as an option was a deal-breaker? I remember in Elementary/Middle School taking on kids that were bigger, tougher, and stronger than me (I’m not talking about fighting here – no worries)…but I had a strange confidence in myself, my parents, God – I believed that only thing that could let me down was myself and that was something that I could control (by never saying no to trying things). I think there was a time, and I don’t think it was this smug sort of this – but I just never thought about me failing – I just figured I’d always be able to work things out if I kept with them. Now, I realize, that’s setting yourself up to be disappointed – thinking that you won’t ever fail – but when I did fail during those times – it wasn’t earth-shattering or anything…I just went and tried again.

I don’t know – it was kinda a good plan as a kid – tackle everything and believe you’ll make it and something’s sure to turn out ok. And then maybe the real life sort of things hit – maybe that’s where things went messy. Things that were really out of my control – things I couldn’t just work harder at to fix. Family sickness and problems in school that were out of my control – I don’t know why all of a sudden I let these situations make me feel weak and worthless…but I did. How did I lose this confidence in myself, family, God? I don’t know – cause I know I had it at one time. I guess over the years I just chalked it up to being a kid and not knowing better. But right now I think – no, I crave to have that back. Kid or adult – I guess I think – it’s gotta be ok to have that sort of wreckless, naïve looking trust in God – right? I mean, it’s not like you’re having that sort of “blindness” with man – you’re giving control and putting trust in someone bigger than you – that should be alright – right??
………………………
………………………

Oops – time’s kinda gotten away from me and it’s time to go baby sit at the church – I’ll have more thoughts later on – but enjoy for now…thoughts anyone??

Jenn

...smooth move.....

2006-03-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

o man, so before i go - i have one last "funny" (to you and not yet to me) addition to my list to write about tomorrow....

--how i sat in my car infront of burritt (to get wireless internet) blogging and job-searching...only to finish and find out that my car was dead - i drained the battery and had to call the only person i knew who were in town for a jump - - grrrrr - - i'm sooooo embarassed!! - now how to tell them the real story of this situation when they get here....still got to figure that one out.....oiy!

jc

notes-to-self.........

2006-03-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

it's sad that it's only 9pm and i'm totally beat - too tired to write a 'real' post...so, notes-to-self for tomorrow (hopefully).

subjects: arkansas (pics), friday night 'date' with E.W. (yikes - just realized his initials spell ew...kinda like "gross"...oops...but seriously - he's the best date EVER!) :) (pics), storms and God's protection (refered to as "the bubble" - haha), Corrie Ten Boom and other recent sermons, "the great escape to g'ville" - yes, that's what today was..., the future, God.

--wow, looks like i've got a long way to go...guess we'll see....
jenn

my mystery...(abv. version)

2006-03-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

wasn't really sure of what to say today- but i have a lot of time on my hands and feel driven to write. but somehow, it all gets mixed up in my head when i try to put it on paper - a lot of stuff i think i'm going to have to just sit and sort of tear out of me (yeah, probably not on here)- get it down on paper and out of my head where it just continues it's loop - playing over and over and over. so...i decided to play some music and see if anything seemed to specifically stand out - so this is what i've got for now.
----------------------------------------------
Great Big Mystery / Bethany Dillon (w/'strategic' hilighting...haha-sometimes i'm a nerd like that)
Air is dry, the sun is gone
When I breathe, I breate alone
Ten times a day I cry
Just to prove that I'm alive
Oh, that I'm alive

I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face

Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily
The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery

The fingers on my weathered brow
Are giving out and letting go
I need You now to take me in
I cannot fight alone again
Can't fight alone again

You are the mystery
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--- so true that i like to try to do everything on my own. sometimes i feel like even if i DID want to ask for help i wouldn't really know how to. all the questions like - what would i say? how would i explain? how do i get over the feeling of failure? (in not being able to do things myself) how is any of this ever going to be ok? - they all run around in my head unanswered - maybe they're the wrong questions to be asking...maybe the answer doesn't really matter. i don't know...but like the song said in the end - "i cannot fight alone again"...i mean, comeon, i know it's not working...but i keep going in my own stubborn way. whelp - something's gotta change...i'm exhausted and no where near where i want to be. though, i'm coming to believe i fight alone by my own choice and then just get upset when i fail - blaming God for not showing up. maybe more on that later - it's kinda messy. so...yeah. this is awkward...

-jc

1, 2, 3 tonight....

2006-03-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

This has the potential of being real random and not really making much sense to anyone – not even me…but I guess I shouldn’t really worry about that too much huh??

Speaking of not worrying about what I’m saying – I’ve made an executive decision…sometimes we start blogs like this and are ok with everyone reading them…and then inevitably drama happens and being open and honest about thoughts or feelings about life becomes difficult. Welp, last time I wrote on here I ended up with an email from a frustrated reader. I thought about things like changing the web address or censoring the topics I chose to write about…and while I will try and make sure I stay appropriate while discussing the past (specifically in regards to this person) I’m not sure I need to totally ‘censor’ everything I say…I wouldn’t expect this person to do that either. Anyways – the stuff I write on here is just what’s in my head or on my heart…and sometimes they are things I need to process or ‘get out of me’ and I do it on here…so…though I ask for comments and enjoy getting them – “to whom it may concern” – I’m going to be honest about what I’m feeling…and I don’t mean to upset or offend you (I’ll stop now – if you really want to talk about it more I guess email it or something).

Moving on…there is a ton to talk about…especially about Arkansas….but I don’t think I can go there tonight so I’m going to leave my interview in AR out of it for now…maybe there’ll be another post about that later…but a couple topics tonight (man – I’ve gotta hurry up so I can get to bed!!)

1. Independence, Self-Sufficiency, Need, Weakness…etc….
So, an issue has been raised – difficulty allowing myself to be seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ and sort of making a commitment to be tough and do things without God’s help…whoa…that’s a lot. Anyways – when it was brought up I really couldn’t disagree with it…I think it’s pretty obvious when you look at my attitudes and how I live even day to day. However, as a person that always thinks about things way more than necessary and wants to take time to process every little detail of things…I wrote a little about it today…here are some thoughts….in no particular order….

- Crying - I go back and forth between hating not being able to cry at ‘appropriate times’ and feeling like I cry too much – after all, ‘only babies cry.’ I used to think ANY sort of emotion (be it joy or despair) was inappropriate to let anyone see. Welp, this past week I’ve cried a lot – at least 6or7 times – after that I stopped keeping track…o man…could that be any more ironic??

- Self-sufficiency – I don’t know why I struggle and strive for self-sufficiency. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like God’s proven his trustworthiness – yeah – I know how stupid that sounds…me thinking that I can just expect God to prove himself to me…but that’s kinda how I feel sometimes. At the same time, I know that I’m no better than those other people I feel have let me down. I probably can’t trust myself anymore than them – but I’m more likely to bet on myself than anyone else – ok – so…bad idea….

- Weakness – it’s not just like a desire to be ‘seen’ strong by other people…I’m that and so much more – it’s associated with all this fear – fear of being hurt or embarrassed…stuff like that. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of losing or finding myself…both options seem equally scary. I think this issue with ‘weakness’ also has to do with how I view men and women. This summer at New Song…a couple prayed for me and mentioned something about being mad at God that he created me as a women…I think I’m seeing that more and more true. Not sure why – but yeah, I associate anything ‘feminine’ with being weak. This is probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time dressing up or wanting to look ‘nice.’ It’s not all an issue with feeling ‘beautiful’ or worrying about being specifically ‘taken advantage of’…but maybe more of this general vulnerability. There’s an idea of – if you make yourself vulnerable and something bad happens then it was meant to be and you have no one to blame but yourself. I fear being in that situation. Hmm…so, maybe this all does kinda frustrate me…like I started off life with a disadvantage I’m always trying to compensate for. It’s weird because it’s not like I see my close female friends that way – I don’t see then as weak at all – but once I start to look at myself everything gets all out-of-whack…I don’t know.

- Praying about this sort of stuff – it’s weird…when issues are brought up to ‘consider’ praying about…my ‘usual’ fear is pretty much focused on being in front of people or being embarrassed…stuff like that…but with this…I’m scared. I don’t why this would feel like a bigger deal than other things I’ve prayed about…but it feels real heavy and scary. I mean, I’m not sure I understand what it would take to be able to be weak and vulnerable in front of people…much less God…and how to allow him to help me (though I know I really do want him to – I’m afraid to let him – by the way – I know that doesn’t make sense…..) anyways – I don’t know what that requires of me…sometimes in those ‘vulnerable’ situations I am just so anxious I feel like I could die…wow…I don’t know how to tackle this
- Wow, I’m not sure I can talk about this topic anymore tonight – weird stuff – moving on….

2.Prayer
- something I kinda heard in my head this week was “you don’t believe in prayer.” And I feel like it was a statement that I should have been able to immediately dismiss…but I couldn’t just let it go. I really started to think about it and had to genuinely ask myself – do you believe? And it just keeps getting more complicated…I know there was one point in time where I said ‘no’ (years ago) and sometimes I feel like I go back and forth…it’s funny because I’m usually a person that goes back and forth between extremes and sees things in their extremes…so I figure I should either believe strongly or not at all…not waver. But, it’s like it’s different depending on who I’m talking about. As far as other people go – I totally believe in praying for other people’s situations and am usually (though it’s probably hard to tell) confident and have faith that God’s going to work in the situation. When I think about praying for myself – then comes the doubt. It seems real stupid…because I know it can’t be this way – only for other people and not for me…but that’s how my thinking gets screwy….guess it’s just something to think about

3. Dreams
-question – maybe I should take a poll…so, the past 5 or so nights I’ve had this reoccurring dream. Some parts of it seem obvious to me their possible ‘meaning’ (though I suppose I could just be making it up)…but I just feel like it’s a little weird to feel like I “get it” (or at least ‘get’ some of it and that’s more than usual) and still have it come up night after night….any thoughts about this? It’d be weird to post it on here…so I won’t …but maybe I should get someone else’s opinion on it??? I don’t know…I go back and forth on what I think about dreams and whether or not they have meaning for me (especially since I tend to remember a lot)….so yeah…thoughts??

Ok – guess that’s all for now…though it’s probably ‘enough’ as well…more tomorrow I’m sure…ok – comment if you’ve got some (and I hope you do)….

-Jenn

....

2006-02-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

-------------------------------------------------------------
called for a day of few words...
left broken and speechless...
desperate for you...please meet me.
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*so much happened today, but no words for tonight - left uncomfortable and shakey...but that's not necessarily bad. more for me to learn i'm sure...i know there's a lot to process...just don't know how to go about that yet. feel a bit stunned.

jenn

a 10-pointer...and you thought 3 was tought to get thru.....

2006-02-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

so - i think i've started to catch on to my real blogging problem. i think i've actually been avoiding the computer lab and conveniently making myself too 'busy' to sit down until late at night when i know i'll be too tired to dive into any topic worth mentioning. tonight is no different. most of the time i feel like writting is a blessing...a real way to release all my crazy, messy thoughts and emotions...getting them out on paper...getting them out of me. these past two weeks it almost feels like any release of the 'stuff' inside me is less of a 'relief' and more like a breaking feeling. tonight is an example of one of those nights were i find myself with a ton to say...a ton to work out in my head...but no energy left to 'let' it all out. maybe i'll just mention the high/low lights of the day or what i spent the day thinking a lot about (which i would have gotten into...and may still in the future) :

1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.

2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')

3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.

4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....

5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.

6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......

7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......

8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.

9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.

10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....

wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"

ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn

over before it even began..... :(

2006-02-20T22:09:00.000-08:00

there will eventually be a 'real' update here...but for tonight...i just have one comment - mainly because i'm so mad i just have to write something somewhere and it might as well be here. so, we just got done with indoor practice (10pm-12am)...for weeks coach has been hyping up this whole indoor tourney we have this weekend. everyone's been working out and workin their butts off trying to get ready...and kinda excited because we have more teams coming to compete. also, coach has been on me the past couple weeks to commit to being the keeper for the tourney and i've been getting pretty excited to have one more shot at soccer before i leave. so, we come to practice tonight and the seniors are told they probably won't play much if at all...because they're leaving. and kat and i are told we won't be playing keeper AT ALL! some frickin recruit is taking our spot - a recruit no one can guarantee is coming next season, has not been thru 4 camps, and seriously - i've never even been ABLE to play in the tourney - i've always had track to do...and there's another senior who's never gotten to play in it either. coach suggests that we come up with an alumni team. SERIOUSLY - he WAITS to tell us until 4 DAYS before the tourney we're gonna have to make up a team (calling people in who don't even LIVE in greenville anymore - to try to get them to last-minute come down for a game?) to think i was going to (if offered) work a job interview around this thing. grrrr. i was excited after the soccer banquet - about our team, coach, indoor...then didn't get to play after the deal because coach made us give up the field totally to the recruits...and now we don't get the tourney either!....ugh. and then as i'm leaving coach says he wants to talk to me tomorrow...i'm sure it's about this whole thing and it's going to be a meeting about how i need to think about our future team or change my attitude or something like that. i think there are other seniors he might be talking to too...(hope so)...but really i tried to hold my cool during practice...think i did better than usually...and just am not looking forward to another person telling me i'm wrong. i don't know...one more thing to add to my list....i feel like i'm sinking.....

jenn

seems like everything's in pieces....an update.....

2006-01-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

So its been a while since I updated…guess it’s not really that ‘nothing’ has happened worth talking about…but maybe more that I’ve been kinda overwhelmed with life stuff lately. But, last night I was up pretty late…just really overwhelmed with all that’s confusing going on in my own life – as well as frustrated with what’s going on with others. Basically, I was just so bothered by this stuff I couldn’t sleep – so I spent a lot of time writing….so I’m just gonna let you in on my journal stuff from last night….

It’s late and I’m both extremely tired and wired all at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it…it all just feels real heavy…feel like I’m just dragging a lot of weight around. Maybe writing it out will do something…I don’t know.

First of all, this week I’ve really been stressing about the whole job situation. I found out that some of my bills are going way up and now I’m not sure how long I can live in my apt. I’m not getting nearly as many hours as last month (about half)…and even though it’s my last month at that job, I was kind of counting on finishing the month ‘strong’ – with at least a little income. I guess I’m worried about what happens if I run out of money before I get a job? What if I have to move home? What if I have enough money to stay at my place til I find a job…but then don’t have anything left to be able to go out for an interview…or worse…no money to move out to wherever I’m working? I don’t want to have to leave here until I have something else to go to…meaning… I just really don’t want to move back home. Part of me, I think, is afraid that if I move home (though I’d be saving money) I would end up being trapped there….that I’d never make it out again (it was hard enough the first time). And I think the other part of me is mad that having to move home might be a real possibility. I’m mad that I might not end up with other options and be ‘forced’ to move a place where I feel totally alone and isolated. I guess I’m kinda stuck because I want to end up where God wants me to go, but in that, I can’t say I’ll go anywhere BUT home…because that’s not really giving up control of it. I think I fight a lot between the two extremes saying: 1. God please don’t make me go there and 2. You can’t make me go there…I won’t. I guess I don’t really think either one is right.

I think maybe it all comes back to doubt – doubt that God knows what he’s doing and WILL lead me where he wants me…if I’m willing to give it to him. Maybe… I doubt that he’s going to provide for me. I don’t know. I just want to trust more than I do right now…but it’s hard when you just don’t see how things are going to work out. And I’m finally starting to really enjoy hanging out with my sister sometimes…and now I’m going to leave? It’s dumb…because a week ago I was ready to go anywhere…and kinda start over. But the past few days she’s been kinda lonely (which works out fine because I’ve been in that spot lately too)…and so she’s wanted to do stuff with me or just be with me at my apt a lot. And it’s ok that I know it would only last until ‘what’s his name’ gets back or friends come back to her. But now I’m kinda stuck when I think about leaving her…she’s almost becoming like a friend of mine. I don’t know…forget it…I might start crying if I talk about it too much….and that’s one of the last things I need now.

Anyways – tonight was kinda my breaking point…not just because of the things written above…but also because of two friends that kind of come in and out of my life a lot. I don’t know. I have seen one of these friends for the past 3 days (and have cried about their situation for 3 nights now – which is weird and I don’t like it – I feel stupid about it)…and have just really been hit by excitement and sadness for them. For some reason… I think this is a real important time in their life…another one of those crossroads where things can change for the better and be fabulous…or come crashing down quickly. There is something different in this person which makes me excited for them. I don’t know what’s happened…but it has the potential to change their life. And then on the opposite end…I talked to this friend and they told me about another recent choice (involving the other friend of mine)… and this killed my excitement. Instead, I’m really bothered by it. You know when you can see what people are doing and how it’s just kind of killing them…and you’ve been there yourself and just want to be able to spare them that grief? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. There’s really nothing I can do…I know because I’ve been told over and over again how it’s not my responsibility and I know I can’t make them change. but the two friends – one I think, man, you’re at a time in your life where everything is changing and such good things could happen…you don’t know that you’re so close to figuring it out. And the other one…I haven’t seen in a long while…but I just am so sad that she seems to have lost herself. When I first met her she had SO MUCH potential. She’s smart and really cares about people. When I met her she had so much determination I didn’t think anything or anyone would ever be able to stop her. And now that’s not really the case. I think she’s kinda made a choice that says “I give up…this is just how it’s going to be”…but there is just SO MUCH MORE for her…I know it. I just want to go over and shake her and be like …what are you thinking? This is not your only choice and this is not how it always has to be. Ugh…I’m so frustrated…every time I talk to her…there’s evidence that a little more of her has died…she’s not the same person I used to know….only her outer appearance is the same. The way she is living is not life. Not that I know what life is (as far as I go) myself…and I’m sure someone could say the same thing about me…but I just hurt for her…and I don’t want this to be over…the end…

I don’t know…there’s just so much that seems to be in pieces right now. I’m not really sure where I stand with most of my relationships. And there’s one that recently it became kinda clear to me that it’s probably over for good…and that’s sad. My quiet time suck (though I’m finally now consistent about them)…and I just don’t feel like I know where I’m going. Like I wake up and don’t know what to do with myself in the morning. I’m probably just rambling on and on here so I should stop….so for now I will….

I’m just in a low spot I guess. Not sure where to go from here or how things got this way…and what I’m supposed to do about it.

Thoughts?

jc

an update - killing some time.....

2005-12-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

whelp...here i am...back at work. i wasn't planning on being here today, but i guess i'm helping out a 'friend.' i came in earlier this morning to use a computer and was 'talked into' staying around for the 12-1 hour. but really, i don't care too much...i get to sit here and be one the computer and make a few bucks before getting on with the day - not too bad...seriously, this place is dead. i think there's an average of 1 person here at a time...o well...anyways.....

i know it's been a while since i updated...i think the last time i was at home for thanksgiving....since then, i finished up my LAMP papers (yay! - who knew it would bring such a relief) and then ran smack into the fact that i only have a job for another month. i guess having the papers hanging over my head - it was easy for me to push that stuff away and 'forget' that i needed to be looking for jobs. well, the time has come where there is no more 'maybe' with this issue...i need to get on it....

so, that's been life the past couple weeks. i've spent half my days on the computer looking for job openings and filling out online resumes....you know the drill. really, i came up with a pretty good list of jobs...which are now conveniently stuffed into a folder and, besides the daily routine of shuffling thru the papers and maybe writing a note or two here and there, have remained fairly untouched. i face a new problem...one i didn't expect....

i am afraid to apply for jobs. there it is...dumb i know...but the whole deal brings up so much anxiety and fear...it's ridiculous...i feel kinda stuck. at first i thought it was just a rejection deal - the idea that i don't want to be turned down, and if i don't apply i can't be rejected - which is all a messy cycle in its self. but no - i'm not sure that's really the deal anymore. i think i'm scared that i will apply to something i want.....and get it.

seriously, who thinks like that?! i'm afraid i'm going to get what i want. ok - so it's a little more detailed than that...but that's a starting point. the next part would come with my family. our relationship's always been kind of rocky...and this is just a new topic to bring to the tension. my parents want me to move home...and the thought on it just makes me feel like running. i guess when they start to talk about me 'needing' to move home it makes me feel all closed in - like i have no choice in the matter - no ability to think, pray, and decide for myself. i don't know - they're really upset over the idea that i may want to 'get away' for a little bit before coming back close to home to 'settle down.' i don't know - i guess the problem come in with the fact that i care so much about what they think of me. i want their support so bad that if i think about it too long i may start to cry (though this seems a little ridiculous to me). ugh - i just want them to care about the things that mean something to me. i want them to listen to me when i try to share my heart with them and for them to really hear me - maybe they don't have to totally understand...but be willing to accept me -everything that makes me who i am....does that make any sense?....here - maybe this will help...this is from a recent email conversation i had about this deal (and my interactions with my family in general)....their statement is in CAPS and my reply follows....

JENN, IT IS CRITICAL THAT YOUR IDENTITY BE IN GOD'S LOVE FOR YOU, AND NOT IN THE LOVE OF ANY PERSON (INCLUDING FAMILY OR OTHERWISE,) BECAUSE WE CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLEi know i can't control them and i know that i shouldn't let their 'love' (or lack of) control how i see myself - but it's hard. this topic has come up a lot lately. right now i'm in the middle of a job search. i really want to be in the place God wants me - doing what he wants me to do. and right now - i have no clue where that'd be...i'm learning a lot more about where my passions are and maybe what would be a good 'fit' for me...but really everything after january is up in the air. i've been talking to my parents about the job situation - and it's been cause for a lot of termoil in our relationship. they want me to move back home - not just to the state of Wisconsin - but live and work real close to home. i don't want to go back there yet (unless that's where i'm "supposed to be." i know that there is a good possibility that i'll end up "settling down" close to home - but right now i want to have options. the past two weeks my mom has called me everyday to tell me, over and over and over, that i need to find a job close to home - and how going anywhere far away is just like leaving the family (somehow i thought repenting about being rebellious and leaving home, etc...would make it so that this wasn't a topic used against me anymore) i don't think not going home would be running away like it was the last time - i'm not that person (although i have to keep telling myself that over and over - sometimes it's hard to believe - hard to trust myself and who i'm becoming)...but anyways - there are some places i'd love to do that are not around home - places where i think i could really grow - but they don't understand that kind of thing. i don't know - all that's to say - i still don't really know how to communicate with my family - it's hard for me to believe i have a choice in where i go and what i do..because i'm torn. i don't want to hurt them, i don't want to look like i'm running away from them, and at the same time i want to go where i'm supposed to...and a place that's going to be good for me. so, it's been hard for me to not get frustrated with my family. i love them...but i don't know how to interact with them...i don't know how to communicate my heart with them - and really...i'm scared that none of this is going to work out. i just want them to love me - love and accept who i am - and i want there support in what i do...and i don't think i'm going to get it. does any of that make sense?

whelp - i don't know where to go from here. the other part of this mess is a fear of leaving greenville. though i want to obey and go where i'm supposed to be...this almost seems like it'd be leaving home. greenville has been my home for 4 1/2 years - this is where i built healthy relationships with people who know Christ and desire to love people like he did. this is where i hit both my low and my high points of life - a combination of breaking and healing. this is the place where i started to think it might be ok to be who i am...nothing more....nothing less. so yeah - here i am - great opportunity and i'm afraid i'm going to miss out because i won't act (because of fear). guess we'll see. for now i guess i tackle the problem before me and worry about leaving when/if it comes to that...but for now....

i don't know how to be with my family. i don't know how to talk to them. i don't know how to find my identity in God alone. i want to learn what it is to be a part of them again...to love them and let them love me...all in all i think it's going to be a great and tough christmas...and it starts tomorrow....

-jenn