hopelessness, forgiveness, obedience...thoughts and such...

Ok – so I guess there are a couple different thoughts to tackle today...for some reason I think that my blog could be renamed ‘Confessions’ because I think the out-pouring of my heart, as of late, is more honest confession of conflict, confusion, and realization of my own wretchedness than about daily life’s ins and outs. I don’t know...maybe there’s a time for that too. Moving on...................

Deb Somerville preached yesterday and a quote she used for Purpose Driven Life really started to get me thinking..... Warren says:

“One problem long-term Christians have is that they forget how hopeless it felt to be without Christ.” (pg. 284)

Naturally I hear this and I ask myself – Have I forgotten the hopelessness of being without Christ? The answer that first came to me was not the simple one I was looking for. Instead, I thought to myself, you know...I’m not sure I even know what that “hopelessness” is like – thinking about my life-experience. Let me explain better.... I grew up in a Christian home. My grandfather was a pastor and my parents were always HEAVILY involved in church. My sister an I were at various church events at least 4 times a week. For the most part, our family was there more than the pastor’s (because of different committees and leadership positions my parents held) Anyways – that’s all to say...from my earliest memories (which are few...but there are some) I was told about Jesus and all the various Sunday School Bible stories...etc. There was never really a time that I can remember not knowing about Jesus. I’m not going to say that I understood everything (and still don’t)...but there was not a time that someone told me about the Gospel and it changed how I was living or what I thought to be true...stuff like that. I accepted Christ and was baptized at the age of 5.

So...these are my initial thoughts...I know that many times I have an apathy about Christ. Many times I recognize that sometimes it’s hard for me to remember/understand what life without Christ is like or what difference knowing him makes in my life. I hate that. I’m not saying that I should need to have the experience to change my attitude towards the whole deal...but many times my experiences are reference points...and I don’t feel like I have a reference point for this. This idea of hopelessness....I know many times I’ve felt all was lost and that there was no hope of redemption – and still struggle with this on and off...and all these time of ‘hopelessness’ (though ‘false’ as it may be) all were during times after I was baptized...how doe that work? People talk about the hopelessness before hearing the Gospel....what about us (I guess I’m assuming I’m not alone here...but maybe I’m wrong)...what about those of us who have felt utter despair and hopelessness who have grown up in the Church and accepted Christ at early ages?

But, as always, I have thoughts on the flip side of this as well. This whole topic leads into a later chapter’s discussion of you’re testimony/ life story. The first topic they suggest you discuss is life before/after Christ. And here I ran into the same problem – no real time period of technically not ‘knowing’ about Jesus. It’s here I start to look for a way I could make it a little more applicable to me. I guess maybe there’s a difference between my acceptance of Christ and the time that I really began to learn how and who He really is. Maybe the difference between believing in and knowing Him. I don’t know...if I look at it that way there’s quite a difference in the number of years. Accepting Christ at age 5 but not really ‘experiencing’ or being shown who He is until age 21. Maybe that’s my before-and-after picture???? I don’t know.

All of that’s to say....I hate that I have become apathetic. Actually, maybe I’ve always been that way. Can you make yourself appreciate something more because you know you should and you know in your head that that’s the appropriate attitude to have? Again it’s just this terrible separation of head and heart. Sometimes I think they’ll never come together. I fear my heart is becoming rigid again...I can’t feel. However, this time I don’t think it’s something that I chose. As far as I know...I didn’t make the decision not to feel...I just don’t right now. Is there something wrong with me?? Maybe...maybe not I guess. So...speaking of being unappreciative...here we come to the second topic...forgiveness....(fortunate/unfortunately another topic covered by Warren a couple weeks ago that I’ve thought about the past couple days) Warren says:

“You can’t have fellowship without forgiveness. God warns, ‘Never hold grudges,” because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Because we’re imperfect, sinful people, we inevitable hurt each other when we’re together for a long enough time. sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship. The Bible says, ‘You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.’ God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” (pg. 142)

Forgiveness – the topic I desire to be moved to – to forgive because I know it’s a sin not to and not just because I don’t want to look like a bad person or just say “I forgive you” so I don’t have to talk to the person that hurt me anymore. Most of the time I think – unforgiveness doesn’t affect me it affects that person that hurt me. And if it was “ok” for them to hurt me than I’m going to use anything I can to try to hurt them back....wanting them to feel something like I do – especially if I’m not over what happened. How prideful...how sick....how wrong. So, I spend last week pretty much laying down all day. I was “sick” (really who knows) and head and neck pain kept me down for the most part. I have a LOT of time alone - a lot of time to think. A lot of time for God to bring issues to mind that need to be dealt with. In some ways it was really good...there was no way for me to busy myself too much to hear him and be convicted of sin. No real way to ignore or to make my environment too loud to listen (I couldn’t handle loud noises – barely turning the tv loud enough to make out most of the words). All that is to say...there were two topics that I can’t ignore anymore. And one of them is unforgiveness.

Sure, this has been brought up to me before...but I was too angry and bitter to receive the counsel. I didn’t totally know that though...I wanted to be able to be soft hearted and hear correction...but I couldn’t....and I didn’t take steps to get there either. And now here I am...many times and angry and selfish person -angry about what people have “gotten away with” and bitter that the pain is lasting (so far). This brings me back to angry times – times I hate to look bad on because I’m ashamed of who I was and what I let myself do to people out of my hurt and frustration. I don’t want to reach that point again. Ok – I think I’m drifting a bit...back to topic.

Thinking about the story of the man who owed an un-repayable amount and was forgiven the debt...just to turn around and refuse to show mercy to another man who owed him much less - - that’s me. So about this part of the above quote: “God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” I was in an incredible amount of debt and Jesus came anyways. One of the things that always pops into my head is ‘I can’t forgive that person...they don’t even think what they did was wrong....’ --This week I remembered....Jesus came and died before I was born. He knew what I was capable of and how I would sin...and 1. He died ...anyways 2. He let me be born....anyways 3. He forgave me before I even knew that I had ever done anything wrong. I’ve never died for anyone...and I think it would be hard to consider paying that price for someone you knew would hurt you in the future. I guess sometime I think...well...I’m not as bad as those Jews who crucified him - - and then I remember....my sin put him there. I didn’t have to physically be the one pounding the nails into his hands and feet to be causing his death.

I guess it just hit me yesterday – people often say that Jesus endured all the different hardships we face on earth. And for some reason that’s always been hard for me to fully accept. I started to think yesterday that some of it has to do with him being a man. I almost think “come on...you were a man...you didn’t have people take advantage of you or abuse you...etc......so how do you know what it’s like to be me. How do you know what it is to forgive people after they do ‘these’ kinds of things to you” - but when you really look at it...he was taken advantage of (and I take him for granted on pretty much a daily basis), he was abused – beaten and killed in a horribly painful way...and he was innocent (when things happened to me I was anything but innocent) and my sin put him in that position of abuse. So yes – though I can not fully understand it yet....his life was not easy and he had trials like all of us. He was hurt and he forgave....he didn’t become bitter and angry like I have – wishing trouble for some people.

So – there really is no good reason for me to refuse to forgive someone. My hardships are no greater than anyone else and I’m sure most are worse off that I am. Who do I think I am that I can just choose who is ‘good enough’ to receive my forgiveness and who should suffer instead. I am no one – as far as that answer goes. And every time my heart says my forgiveness is worth more or that I have the right to withhold it...I guess it’s like telling God His son’s death means little to me...that I’m worth more. That’s wrong and I can only imagine how much that has to hurt him. When it’s put bluntly like that...it’s not something I’d agree with....but I know I do it anyways. I know his sacrifice wasn’t ‘nothing’...it was everything. None of us were/are worthy of his forgiveness...and that’s why it’s a gift. I am not the judge of my fellow man and I need to stop acting like it. When I become bitter and angry over hurt that has been caused to me...that’s my fault...not the fault of the other individual.

All that is to say....God said “forgive one another” and I have said right back “no, not until....” – but really that’s just the fancy way of saying “no. you can’t make me. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.” But I try to ignore the fact that that’s what my actions – or rather – inaction...is really saying. I am rebellious and I know it. Most of the time I admit I’ve like it. Like a game it’s exciting and dangerous and gives a feeling of power. But this week I realized it’s really throwing God’s mercy, grace, and perfect plan for your life back in his face and saying – “I’m glad I’m saved from hell...but know I’ll take it from here. Now that I don’t have to worry about that...I don’t need you anymore...and more than that...I don’t want you.”

Have you ever given someone a gift that took you a long time to find or make or cost a lot – but you sacrificed something because you knew it was something that would really help them or make them happy – only to be disappointed by their reaction upon receiving the gift. I think that’s what I’ve done with God. I know my ways aren’t perfect like his and even though I’d like to think that my way of ‘protecting’ myself is the right way...I know it’s stupid and childish. I don’t want to live this way anymore...not just because it doesn’t work and I end up worse of than I started (although...that does suck). I don’t want to be ungrateful and stubborn just for the sake of being difficult. I want to change – act when I’m told to do something and trust him with my life. I don’t want to hurt him any more – don’t want to be difficult. I want him to use me but I know that I can’t be used unless I’m willing to give up the right to know or the right to understand. I’m glad he knows more than I do and I want to stop fighting him because he deserves my love, my life, and my will – not my attitude. I don’t want to be in control anymore – and as much as that scares me...It doesn’t scare me enough to care more about myself than doing what I’m supposed to do. Ok...one more quote (I know it’s dumb...but they’ve brought up good points...) page 314:

“How do you know when God is at the center of your life? When God’s at the center, you worship. When he’s not, you worry. Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sidelines.”

I don’t want to worry anymore – not just because worry and anxiety really ware on you and aren’t pleasant...but because I think I finally believe it: I don’t have to worry. I think sometimes worrying is a comfort...it means that you’re trying to fix something so it comes out in your favor (a.k.a. – control). But I don’t have to be in control to be safe huh? I mean – I know I’ve heard it hundreds of times...but I think I might actually believe it. No idea how I got to this point...but I guess it doesn’t mattered. So strange – the idea of not being in control being a safe thing – having someone else call the shots keeping you from harm....boggles my mind...but again...I think I ‘get’ it a little bit more.

So...where to go from here?? I don’t know. I guess now I need feedback...any thoughts??....wow...that seriously exhausted me. Is that sad?? Thinking too much tired me out?? Man – I’ve gotten get a life...o wait – this is life.....later

Jenn

o bebo...

wanted to update today...but really don't have a solid idea of what i'd say right now. there's been a lot on my mind but i'm not sure how to sort it out quite yet...i'll let you know if i ever do. but in the mean time - lately i've been on a big Bebo Norman kick....his latest album "Try" - o man...lots of good stuff here. i think i'm picking it up tonight so let me know if you want to borrow it...here are two songs that just really hit me hard this week....
jc

Drifting by Bebo Norman

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
Cause I am scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
lifted from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

Soldier
Remember the time when i thought of letting go
and taking back my hand
when all i could think was how long can i follow you
and where do i stand in this world

i lost my faith, my reason to believe
when i refused to see
oh Lord, you carried me

and just like a soldier
you battle for my soul
but more like a father
you come and take me home

what is the worth of a man living for himself
with a heart of his own
and every day goes in and out, still without a sign of life

but father wont you please give me more
when everything is closing in on me
i know you set me free the day you died for me
and how is this man who calls me by name
and covers himself with all of my shame
but not even death could make you surrender
i remember

questions....etc........

Well….here I am…stuck in the mailroom yet again (but at least I have a job...right?). I’m working on recruit mailings and it’s not going so well. The machine is supposed to fold and stuff the letters into envelopes – but right now it’s only doing about 5 before it has a paper-jam. It’s seriously ruining the envelopes we printed off and it’s making me frustrated. But still – I know that even at this ‘slow’ rate – it’s still making more progress than I ever would. Still wish it would work right so I could finally finish this deal…but o well – more time in here means more time to write I guess (except for having to fix the paper-jam every 30 seconds….ok …here goes.

I have a lot on my heart and mind right now. I don’t really know what to do with it all – so I figured maybe I’d just lay it all out on the table. Maybe then I can get a better perspective on it all. I’ll probably cover a number of random topics – but try to hang with me (or not – whatever you want to do – doesn’t matter to me). The past couple of weeks everything’s kinda been out of control (or rather – feeling like it’s out of my control – which is ultimately probably the real issue – but for now – I’ll wait on that one). Yesterday it seemed everything just came to a head – and then I’m in a crisis – a semi-silent or internal crisis – but a crisis to me none the less. Anyways – yesterday was a flood – a flood of doubts, fears, emotion….gross….here’s the deal…..

I’ve never actually had a time of sincere doubt relating to God/faith/etc…let me explain better – I’ve never come to a point of doubting God’s existence. I’ve doubted His promises, trustworthy-ness, stuff like that – but have never sincerely doubted His existence. Yesterday I did – and it scared me. Again I think I have some more explaining to do. There are a couple of different ways to come to this doubt (in my mind) – either out of anger/frustration or out of fear – yesterday it wasn’t so much that I was mad at God and just decided to say – forget you – I don’t believe you’re worth any of this – it was different. All of a sudden I reached a breaking point I didn’t even know I was headed for. Anyways – I have just really felt beaten up and pushed down lately…tons of nightmares, pictures, pain – stuff like that…yesterday I was just real sad when I woke up – sadness that is heavy – ever experienced that before? About the middle of my day I finally just got hit with all this fear. I had been finding so many questions that I had I could not answer and that frustrated me. At first I was kinda angry because I feel like some of my questions I’ve been asking for a long time – with no clear answer if any at all. When I ask other people about this stuff they say “well, just pray about it and ask the Lord to show you….” – and then I’m back to frustration – feeling like I have been asking and praying about this stuff for a while now…and…nothing. Anyways – back to the fear – all of a sudden I was just hit by doubt. These questions that I didn’t want to be considering or having at all….like….Maybe I wasn’t hearing anything and struggling because God really wasn’t there – maybe I’d been wrong for 17years. What if God doesn’t exist? It wasn’t that I was mad – all of a sudden I was just scared. All of these thoughts like – being afraid of being alone, hurting because you feel alone, and being confronted with the possibility that your “alone-ness” could be real….each of those are very different. I think I’m starting to talk in circles – but I’m going to try to fix that.

Anyways – my doubt of God’s existence changed. I mean, I started to realize that that probably wasn’t’ what I was afraid of. I think I was more afraid that he DID exist and that he had simply left me or rejected me. I know my attitude as of late has been horrible. There are things I want to be different but just can’t seem to change on my own. I’m angry and controlling, and prideful…and scared. And what if He just decided to give up on me? I don’t want to be separated from him – in one sense it would be easier to find out that he doesn’t exist that the he does and just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I about lost it- I was just overwhelmed by sadness. Hopeless. I just wanted to die – and not in that depressed suicidal my life sucks kinda way – but just the sickening feeling of hopeless loss – the idea of being separated from God (more because of my disobedience than His “possible” frustration and abandonment of me) just made me want to curl up and die. I had a lot of time to think last night and had sort of a scary prayer time. It was scary because I hadn’t prayed this way in years – I told God I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed or out of my apt in the morning – not knowing what to do – not wanting to live with things like they are. I don’t know – don’t get all worried and think I’m crazy or suicidal or anything like that (that’s all I’d need to add to this mess) well – I guess you can think I’m crazy – that’s ok – I’ve wondered about it a lot myself – just not the other part…but anyways…the thing is…this idea of possible separation – I know it’s gotta be my fault. I know there are things I need to pray about and issues that I need to let go of – but I don’t now how to. It’s not that I don’t want to do it – it’s that I don’t know how…and if I do have an idea about the technical ‘how’ – I’m afraid I’ve heard wrong. I want to question it all – and not move forward until I’m sure where to go from here (if that makes any sense).

My arrogance – ugh. I’m sick of it. I think of all I willfully withhold from God…areas I refuse to trust him in…action I delay because of doubt. All of this…it literally makes me sick to think of it. I owe so much…and if all of this is true…if God really hasn’t left me and continues to give me chance after chance – man am I horrible back to him. I know he deserves better than what I give him. There are times I know that my actions are probably hurting him and I don’t care because I’m hurting and just expect him to heal it all. I expect things that I don’t deserve…and even when I get them I’m not thankful. I’m an ungrateful child and I know that if he really is my father…that it hurts him. And now I don’t know what to do about it. I’m afraid to say anything about it – I’m afraid to try and fix the relationship. If God is who he says he is…if his promises are true (and I know he is and they are – in my head mainly – and some but not enough I my heart)…then I’ve hurt him and I’m ashamed of that…and in my head I can only imagine that he’d be real pissed off with me. He has every right to be. What if I confess and ask for forgiveness and he turns his back on me anyways? What if I’ve done too much to ever get the chance to be close to him? What if? It’s easier to continue to try and stay hard-hearted and pretend I don’t care about my actions…but I do. Is any of this making sense?

Someone said something the other day about falling in love with God…it makes me ask…is that possible? And with all I’ve done…could he ever fall in love with me? I guess I see my relationship with God thru the lens of my broken relationships with men. I think – if I allow myself to fall in love…with anyone…I’m allowing them the ability to hurt me. And then questions like – how do I fall in love with someone I’m not sure can stand me (God). I can hardly stand myself most days. And sometimes I just want to say – God – don’t love me…because I will hurt you and I don’t want to do that…but that’s how I am. Stupid as that probably sounds….it’s what I think a lot of times. Caring and softening my heart within the ‘relationship’ (though it seems really broken right now) causes me to care…care so deeply it hurts when I can’t find a way back or a way out of my self – my own sin. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m sure to most people I seem real defiant and angry and ungrateful and a lot of the time that’s very true…but not always. I don’t like being this way….but sometimes it feels safer to be angry and hard. I’m afraid I’ll fall apart if I soften.

And I’m afraid of the unknown. I guess this comes back to a discussion from earlier this week – me and the question ‘why’….. I seem to ask it more and more. It’s become less of an appropriately placed question and more of an obsession – sometimes I just ask like something that I just say all the time without really thinking about it – and other times it’s just this obsession to know things. Although – obsession is not necessarily a foreign topic to me….it was in my past and likes to come back and get me sometimes – and right now – I’m in one of those ‘sometimes’ (gotta love ocd) – one more thing to add to my list….moving on…..

Anyways – about the ‘why’ question…it’s been brought up to me over and over that I need to just trust. Trust and obey. Most of the time I’ll ask ‘why’ before I follow thru with something I’ve been asked to do. It’s not necessarily that I refuse to do it – I just want to know why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I guess on the other hand – I ask so I can judge for myself the ‘worth’ of what is being asked of me. I want to be able to understand the meaning behind it – it has to be logical. At the same time – I know that God doesn’t work in my world of logic and that it really shouldn’t matter if something makes sense to me or not. But I’m not there yet. The attitude of “just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it” – I want to want to have that attitude enough to do whatever it takes. Did you follow that? I almost couldn’t….but anyways….i want to trust God with what he’s doing. It’s weird to me that I struggle with it – because most of the time I’d agree with the fact that I don’t know what’s best for me. But maybe this is a dead topic – beaten into the ground…I don’t know. All that is to say – I get angry when people won’t answer my ‘why’ question – in my prideful heart I think – you owe me an explanation if you expect me to do ‘this’ or ‘that’ for you. But really – they don’t owe me anything – and neither does God. Sometimes it makes me sick to think that I would try to demand that from him. Ugh….

It’s funny – I read someone’s blog which talked about living in extremes. This also related to the questions I have. I am a person of extremes as well. I can never seem to find any middle ground in life, with people, with myself….i went from being afraid to question anything to asking too frequently, from feeling incompetent when I had a question to feeling stupid if I didn’t ask, from non-action because I didn’t have all the information to non-action because I doubt the information I have. All in all – neither is right or better – neither is getting me where I want to go. Extremes – all or nothing – and I think most of the time I live in the land of the ‘nothing.’ I don’t want to live here anymore…but the middle-ground seems like a pipedream…it can’t be possible. All or nothing is simple…and yet I’m sure it’s also restrictive and stops many good possibilities. Failure is usually my end point. I feel I’ve failed at my relationships with God, people, family…and I’m afraid it’s all over – no chance of a re-do or restoration. I don’t want to believe that’s true…I can’t let myself because it’s like a cop-out. Sometimes I think second-chances are for weak people that couldn’t do it right the first time – given to people others feel sorry for. That’s how I think (but when I give them to other people I don’t think that about them…) I don’t know…maybe I should end this blog…it’s really long and I’m not sure I’m making any forward motion any more. I have more to say I’m sure – but for now I’ll spare you more frustrating repetition. As always….thoughts?
jc