seems like everything's in pieces....an update.....

So its been a while since I updated…guess it’s not really that ‘nothing’ has happened worth talking about…but maybe more that I’ve been kinda overwhelmed with life stuff lately. But, last night I was up pretty late…just really overwhelmed with all that’s confusing going on in my own life – as well as frustrated with what’s going on with others. Basically, I was just so bothered by this stuff I couldn’t sleep – so I spent a lot of time writing….so I’m just gonna let you in on my journal stuff from last night….

It’s late and I’m both extremely tired and wired all at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it…it all just feels real heavy…feel like I’m just dragging a lot of weight around. Maybe writing it out will do something…I don’t know.

First of all, this week I’ve really been stressing about the whole job situation. I found out that some of my bills are going way up and now I’m not sure how long I can live in my apt. I’m not getting nearly as many hours as last month (about half)…and even though it’s my last month at that job, I was kind of counting on finishing the month ‘strong’ – with at least a little income. I guess I’m worried about what happens if I run out of money before I get a job? What if I have to move home? What if I have enough money to stay at my place til I find a job…but then don’t have anything left to be able to go out for an interview…or worse…no money to move out to wherever I’m working? I don’t want to have to leave here until I have something else to go to…meaning… I just really don’t want to move back home. Part of me, I think, is afraid that if I move home (though I’d be saving money) I would end up being trapped there….that I’d never make it out again (it was hard enough the first time). And I think the other part of me is mad that having to move home might be a real possibility. I’m mad that I might not end up with other options and be ‘forced’ to move a place where I feel totally alone and isolated. I guess I’m kinda stuck because I want to end up where God wants me to go, but in that, I can’t say I’ll go anywhere BUT home…because that’s not really giving up control of it. I think I fight a lot between the two extremes saying: 1. God please don’t make me go there and 2. You can’t make me go there…I won’t. I guess I don’t really think either one is right.

I think maybe it all comes back to doubt – doubt that God knows what he’s doing and WILL lead me where he wants me…if I’m willing to give it to him. Maybe… I doubt that he’s going to provide for me. I don’t know. I just want to trust more than I do right now…but it’s hard when you just don’t see how things are going to work out. And I’m finally starting to really enjoy hanging out with my sister sometimes…and now I’m going to leave? It’s dumb…because a week ago I was ready to go anywhere…and kinda start over. But the past few days she’s been kinda lonely (which works out fine because I’ve been in that spot lately too)…and so she’s wanted to do stuff with me or just be with me at my apt a lot. And it’s ok that I know it would only last until ‘what’s his name’ gets back or friends come back to her. But now I’m kinda stuck when I think about leaving her…she’s almost becoming like a friend of mine. I don’t know…forget it…I might start crying if I talk about it too much….and that’s one of the last things I need now.

Anyways – tonight was kinda my breaking point…not just because of the things written above…but also because of two friends that kind of come in and out of my life a lot. I don’t know. I have seen one of these friends for the past 3 days (and have cried about their situation for 3 nights now – which is weird and I don’t like it – I feel stupid about it)…and have just really been hit by excitement and sadness for them. For some reason… I think this is a real important time in their life…another one of those crossroads where things can change for the better and be fabulous…or come crashing down quickly. There is something different in this person which makes me excited for them. I don’t know what’s happened…but it has the potential to change their life. And then on the opposite end…I talked to this friend and they told me about another recent choice (involving the other friend of mine)… and this killed my excitement. Instead, I’m really bothered by it. You know when you can see what people are doing and how it’s just kind of killing them…and you’ve been there yourself and just want to be able to spare them that grief? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. There’s really nothing I can do…I know because I’ve been told over and over again how it’s not my responsibility and I know I can’t make them change. but the two friends – one I think, man, you’re at a time in your life where everything is changing and such good things could happen…you don’t know that you’re so close to figuring it out. And the other one…I haven’t seen in a long while…but I just am so sad that she seems to have lost herself. When I first met her she had SO MUCH potential. She’s smart and really cares about people. When I met her she had so much determination I didn’t think anything or anyone would ever be able to stop her. And now that’s not really the case. I think she’s kinda made a choice that says “I give up…this is just how it’s going to be”…but there is just SO MUCH MORE for her…I know it. I just want to go over and shake her and be like …what are you thinking? This is not your only choice and this is not how it always has to be. Ugh…I’m so frustrated…every time I talk to her…there’s evidence that a little more of her has died…she’s not the same person I used to know….only her outer appearance is the same. The way she is living is not life. Not that I know what life is (as far as I go) myself…and I’m sure someone could say the same thing about me…but I just hurt for her…and I don’t want this to be over…the end…

I don’t know…there’s just so much that seems to be in pieces right now. I’m not really sure where I stand with most of my relationships. And there’s one that recently it became kinda clear to me that it’s probably over for good…and that’s sad. My quiet time suck (though I’m finally now consistent about them)…and I just don’t feel like I know where I’m going. Like I wake up and don’t know what to do with myself in the morning. I’m probably just rambling on and on here so I should stop….so for now I will….

I’m just in a low spot I guess. Not sure where to go from here or how things got this way…and what I’m supposed to do about it.

Thoughts?

jc