-------------------------------------------------------------
called for a day of few words...
left broken and speechless...
desperate for you...please meet me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
*so much happened today, but no words for tonight - left uncomfortable and shakey...but that's not necessarily bad. more for me to learn i'm sure...i know there's a lot to process...just don't know how to go about that yet. feel a bit stunned.
jenn
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
a 10-pointer...and you thought 3 was tought to get thru.....
so - i think i've started to catch on to my real blogging problem. i think i've actually been avoiding the computer lab and conveniently making myself too 'busy' to sit down until late at night when i know i'll be too tired to dive into any topic worth mentioning. tonight is no different. most of the time i feel like writting is a blessing...a real way to release all my crazy, messy thoughts and emotions...getting them out on paper...getting them out of me. these past two weeks it almost feels like any release of the 'stuff' inside me is less of a 'relief' and more like a breaking feeling. tonight is an example of one of those nights were i find myself with a ton to say...a ton to work out in my head...but no energy left to 'let' it all out. maybe i'll just mention the high/low lights of the day or what i spent the day thinking a lot about (which i would have gotten into...and may still in the future) :
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
Monday, February 20, 2006
over before it even began..... :(
there will eventually be a 'real' update here...but for tonight...i just have one comment - mainly because i'm so mad i just have to write something somewhere and it might as well be here. so, we just got done with indoor practice (10pm-12am)...for weeks coach has been hyping up this whole indoor tourney we have this weekend. everyone's been working out and workin their butts off trying to get ready...and kinda excited because we have more teams coming to compete. also, coach has been on me the past couple weeks to commit to being the keeper for the tourney and i've been getting pretty excited to have one more shot at soccer before i leave. so, we come to practice tonight and the seniors are told they probably won't play much if at all...because they're leaving. and kat and i are told we won't be playing keeper AT ALL! some frickin recruit is taking our spot - a recruit no one can guarantee is coming next season, has not been thru 4 camps, and seriously - i've never even been ABLE to play in the tourney - i've always had track to do...and there's another senior who's never gotten to play in it either. coach suggests that we come up with an alumni team. SERIOUSLY - he WAITS to tell us until 4 DAYS before the tourney we're gonna have to make up a team (calling people in who don't even LIVE in greenville anymore - to try to get them to last-minute come down for a game?) to think i was going to (if offered) work a job interview around this thing. grrrr. i was excited after the soccer banquet - about our team, coach, indoor...then didn't get to play after the deal because coach made us give up the field totally to the recruits...and now we don't get the tourney either!....ugh. and then as i'm leaving coach says he wants to talk to me tomorrow...i'm sure it's about this whole thing and it's going to be a meeting about how i need to think about our future team or change my attitude or something like that. i think there are other seniors he might be talking to too...(hope so)...but really i tried to hold my cool during practice...think i did better than usually...and just am not looking forward to another person telling me i'm wrong. i don't know...one more thing to add to my list....i feel like i'm sinking.....
jenn
jenn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
