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called for a day of few words...
left broken and speechless...
desperate for you...please meet me.
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*so much happened today, but no words for tonight - left uncomfortable and shakey...but that's not necessarily bad. more for me to learn i'm sure...i know there's a lot to process...just don't know how to go about that yet. feel a bit stunned.
jenn
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
a 10-pointer...and you thought 3 was tought to get thru.....
so - i think i've started to catch on to my real blogging problem. i think i've actually been avoiding the computer lab and conveniently making myself too 'busy' to sit down until late at night when i know i'll be too tired to dive into any topic worth mentioning. tonight is no different. most of the time i feel like writting is a blessing...a real way to release all my crazy, messy thoughts and emotions...getting them out on paper...getting them out of me. these past two weeks it almost feels like any release of the 'stuff' inside me is less of a 'relief' and more like a breaking feeling. tonight is an example of one of those nights were i find myself with a ton to say...a ton to work out in my head...but no energy left to 'let' it all out. maybe i'll just mention the high/low lights of the day or what i spent the day thinking a lot about (which i would have gotten into...and may still in the future) :
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
Monday, February 20, 2006
over before it even began..... :(
there will eventually be a 'real' update here...but for tonight...i just have one comment - mainly because i'm so mad i just have to write something somewhere and it might as well be here. so, we just got done with indoor practice (10pm-12am)...for weeks coach has been hyping up this whole indoor tourney we have this weekend. everyone's been working out and workin their butts off trying to get ready...and kinda excited because we have more teams coming to compete. also, coach has been on me the past couple weeks to commit to being the keeper for the tourney and i've been getting pretty excited to have one more shot at soccer before i leave. so, we come to practice tonight and the seniors are told they probably won't play much if at all...because they're leaving. and kat and i are told we won't be playing keeper AT ALL! some frickin recruit is taking our spot - a recruit no one can guarantee is coming next season, has not been thru 4 camps, and seriously - i've never even been ABLE to play in the tourney - i've always had track to do...and there's another senior who's never gotten to play in it either. coach suggests that we come up with an alumni team. SERIOUSLY - he WAITS to tell us until 4 DAYS before the tourney we're gonna have to make up a team (calling people in who don't even LIVE in greenville anymore - to try to get them to last-minute come down for a game?) to think i was going to (if offered) work a job interview around this thing. grrrr. i was excited after the soccer banquet - about our team, coach, indoor...then didn't get to play after the deal because coach made us give up the field totally to the recruits...and now we don't get the tourney either!....ugh. and then as i'm leaving coach says he wants to talk to me tomorrow...i'm sure it's about this whole thing and it's going to be a meeting about how i need to think about our future team or change my attitude or something like that. i think there are other seniors he might be talking to too...(hope so)...but really i tried to hold my cool during practice...think i did better than usually...and just am not looking forward to another person telling me i'm wrong. i don't know...one more thing to add to my list....i feel like i'm sinking.....
jenn
jenn
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
seems like everything's in pieces....an update.....
So its been a while since I updated…guess it’s not really that ‘nothing’ has happened worth talking about…but maybe more that I’ve been kinda overwhelmed with life stuff lately. But, last night I was up pretty late…just really overwhelmed with all that’s confusing going on in my own life – as well as frustrated with what’s going on with others. Basically, I was just so bothered by this stuff I couldn’t sleep – so I spent a lot of time writing….so I’m just gonna let you in on my journal stuff from last night….
It’s late and I’m both extremely tired and wired all at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it…it all just feels real heavy…feel like I’m just dragging a lot of weight around. Maybe writing it out will do something…I don’t know.
First of all, this week I’ve really been stressing about the whole job situation. I found out that some of my bills are going way up and now I’m not sure how long I can live in my apt. I’m not getting nearly as many hours as last month (about half)…and even though it’s my last month at that job, I was kind of counting on finishing the month ‘strong’ – with at least a little income. I guess I’m worried about what happens if I run out of money before I get a job? What if I have to move home? What if I have enough money to stay at my place til I find a job…but then don’t have anything left to be able to go out for an interview…or worse…no money to move out to wherever I’m working? I don’t want to have to leave here until I have something else to go to…meaning… I just really don’t want to move back home. Part of me, I think, is afraid that if I move home (though I’d be saving money) I would end up being trapped there….that I’d never make it out again (it was hard enough the first time). And I think the other part of me is mad that having to move home might be a real possibility. I’m mad that I might not end up with other options and be ‘forced’ to move a place where I feel totally alone and isolated. I guess I’m kinda stuck because I want to end up where God wants me to go, but in that, I can’t say I’ll go anywhere BUT home…because that’s not really giving up control of it. I think I fight a lot between the two extremes saying: 1. God please don’t make me go there and 2. You can’t make me go there…I won’t. I guess I don’t really think either one is right.
I think maybe it all comes back to doubt – doubt that God knows what he’s doing and WILL lead me where he wants me…if I’m willing to give it to him. Maybe… I doubt that he’s going to provide for me. I don’t know. I just want to trust more than I do right now…but it’s hard when you just don’t see how things are going to work out. And I’m finally starting to really enjoy hanging out with my sister sometimes…and now I’m going to leave? It’s dumb…because a week ago I was ready to go anywhere…and kinda start over. But the past few days she’s been kinda lonely (which works out fine because I’ve been in that spot lately too)…and so she’s wanted to do stuff with me or just be with me at my apt a lot. And it’s ok that I know it would only last until ‘what’s his name’ gets back or friends come back to her. But now I’m kinda stuck when I think about leaving her…she’s almost becoming like a friend of mine. I don’t know…forget it…I might start crying if I talk about it too much….and that’s one of the last things I need now.
Anyways – tonight was kinda my breaking point…not just because of the things written above…but also because of two friends that kind of come in and out of my life a lot. I don’t know. I have seen one of these friends for the past 3 days (and have cried about their situation for 3 nights now – which is weird and I don’t like it – I feel stupid about it)…and have just really been hit by excitement and sadness for them. For some reason… I think this is a real important time in their life…another one of those crossroads where things can change for the better and be fabulous…or come crashing down quickly. There is something different in this person which makes me excited for them. I don’t know what’s happened…but it has the potential to change their life. And then on the opposite end…I talked to this friend and they told me about another recent choice (involving the other friend of mine)… and this killed my excitement. Instead, I’m really bothered by it. You know when you can see what people are doing and how it’s just kind of killing them…and you’ve been there yourself and just want to be able to spare them that grief? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. There’s really nothing I can do…I know because I’ve been told over and over again how it’s not my responsibility and I know I can’t make them change. but the two friends – one I think, man, you’re at a time in your life where everything is changing and such good things could happen…you don’t know that you’re so close to figuring it out. And the other one…I haven’t seen in a long while…but I just am so sad that she seems to have lost herself. When I first met her she had SO MUCH potential. She’s smart and really cares about people. When I met her she had so much determination I didn’t think anything or anyone would ever be able to stop her. And now that’s not really the case. I think she’s kinda made a choice that says “I give up…this is just how it’s going to be”…but there is just SO MUCH MORE for her…I know it. I just want to go over and shake her and be like …what are you thinking? This is not your only choice and this is not how it always has to be. Ugh…I’m so frustrated…every time I talk to her…there’s evidence that a little more of her has died…she’s not the same person I used to know….only her outer appearance is the same. The way she is living is not life. Not that I know what life is (as far as I go) myself…and I’m sure someone could say the same thing about me…but I just hurt for her…and I don’t want this to be over…the end…
I don’t know…there’s just so much that seems to be in pieces right now. I’m not really sure where I stand with most of my relationships. And there’s one that recently it became kinda clear to me that it’s probably over for good…and that’s sad. My quiet time suck (though I’m finally now consistent about them)…and I just don’t feel like I know where I’m going. Like I wake up and don’t know what to do with myself in the morning. I’m probably just rambling on and on here so I should stop….so for now I will….
I’m just in a low spot I guess. Not sure where to go from here or how things got this way…and what I’m supposed to do about it.
Thoughts?
jc
It’s late and I’m both extremely tired and wired all at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it…it all just feels real heavy…feel like I’m just dragging a lot of weight around. Maybe writing it out will do something…I don’t know.
First of all, this week I’ve really been stressing about the whole job situation. I found out that some of my bills are going way up and now I’m not sure how long I can live in my apt. I’m not getting nearly as many hours as last month (about half)…and even though it’s my last month at that job, I was kind of counting on finishing the month ‘strong’ – with at least a little income. I guess I’m worried about what happens if I run out of money before I get a job? What if I have to move home? What if I have enough money to stay at my place til I find a job…but then don’t have anything left to be able to go out for an interview…or worse…no money to move out to wherever I’m working? I don’t want to have to leave here until I have something else to go to…meaning… I just really don’t want to move back home. Part of me, I think, is afraid that if I move home (though I’d be saving money) I would end up being trapped there….that I’d never make it out again (it was hard enough the first time). And I think the other part of me is mad that having to move home might be a real possibility. I’m mad that I might not end up with other options and be ‘forced’ to move a place where I feel totally alone and isolated. I guess I’m kinda stuck because I want to end up where God wants me to go, but in that, I can’t say I’ll go anywhere BUT home…because that’s not really giving up control of it. I think I fight a lot between the two extremes saying: 1. God please don’t make me go there and 2. You can’t make me go there…I won’t. I guess I don’t really think either one is right.
I think maybe it all comes back to doubt – doubt that God knows what he’s doing and WILL lead me where he wants me…if I’m willing to give it to him. Maybe… I doubt that he’s going to provide for me. I don’t know. I just want to trust more than I do right now…but it’s hard when you just don’t see how things are going to work out. And I’m finally starting to really enjoy hanging out with my sister sometimes…and now I’m going to leave? It’s dumb…because a week ago I was ready to go anywhere…and kinda start over. But the past few days she’s been kinda lonely (which works out fine because I’ve been in that spot lately too)…and so she’s wanted to do stuff with me or just be with me at my apt a lot. And it’s ok that I know it would only last until ‘what’s his name’ gets back or friends come back to her. But now I’m kinda stuck when I think about leaving her…she’s almost becoming like a friend of mine. I don’t know…forget it…I might start crying if I talk about it too much….and that’s one of the last things I need now.
Anyways – tonight was kinda my breaking point…not just because of the things written above…but also because of two friends that kind of come in and out of my life a lot. I don’t know. I have seen one of these friends for the past 3 days (and have cried about their situation for 3 nights now – which is weird and I don’t like it – I feel stupid about it)…and have just really been hit by excitement and sadness for them. For some reason… I think this is a real important time in their life…another one of those crossroads where things can change for the better and be fabulous…or come crashing down quickly. There is something different in this person which makes me excited for them. I don’t know what’s happened…but it has the potential to change their life. And then on the opposite end…I talked to this friend and they told me about another recent choice (involving the other friend of mine)… and this killed my excitement. Instead, I’m really bothered by it. You know when you can see what people are doing and how it’s just kind of killing them…and you’ve been there yourself and just want to be able to spare them that grief? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. There’s really nothing I can do…I know because I’ve been told over and over again how it’s not my responsibility and I know I can’t make them change. but the two friends – one I think, man, you’re at a time in your life where everything is changing and such good things could happen…you don’t know that you’re so close to figuring it out. And the other one…I haven’t seen in a long while…but I just am so sad that she seems to have lost herself. When I first met her she had SO MUCH potential. She’s smart and really cares about people. When I met her she had so much determination I didn’t think anything or anyone would ever be able to stop her. And now that’s not really the case. I think she’s kinda made a choice that says “I give up…this is just how it’s going to be”…but there is just SO MUCH MORE for her…I know it. I just want to go over and shake her and be like …what are you thinking? This is not your only choice and this is not how it always has to be. Ugh…I’m so frustrated…every time I talk to her…there’s evidence that a little more of her has died…she’s not the same person I used to know….only her outer appearance is the same. The way she is living is not life. Not that I know what life is (as far as I go) myself…and I’m sure someone could say the same thing about me…but I just hurt for her…and I don’t want this to be over…the end…
I don’t know…there’s just so much that seems to be in pieces right now. I’m not really sure where I stand with most of my relationships. And there’s one that recently it became kinda clear to me that it’s probably over for good…and that’s sad. My quiet time suck (though I’m finally now consistent about them)…and I just don’t feel like I know where I’m going. Like I wake up and don’t know what to do with myself in the morning. I’m probably just rambling on and on here so I should stop….so for now I will….
I’m just in a low spot I guess. Not sure where to go from here or how things got this way…and what I’m supposed to do about it.
Thoughts?
jc
Saturday, December 17, 2005
an update - killing some time.....
whelp...here i am...back at work. i wasn't planning on being here today, but i guess i'm helping out a 'friend.' i came in earlier this morning to use a computer and was 'talked into' staying around for the 12-1 hour. but really, i don't care too much...i get to sit here and be one the computer and make a few bucks before getting on with the day - not too bad...seriously, this place is dead. i think there's an average of 1 person here at a time...o well...anyways.....
i know it's been a while since i updated...i think the last time i was at home for thanksgiving....since then, i finished up my LAMP papers (yay! - who knew it would bring such a relief) and then ran smack into the fact that i only have a job for another month. i guess having the papers hanging over my head - it was easy for me to push that stuff away and 'forget' that i needed to be looking for jobs. well, the time has come where there is no more 'maybe' with this issue...i need to get on it....
so, that's been life the past couple weeks. i've spent half my days on the computer looking for job openings and filling out online resumes....you know the drill. really, i came up with a pretty good list of jobs...which are now conveniently stuffed into a folder and, besides the daily routine of shuffling thru the papers and maybe writing a note or two here and there, have remained fairly untouched. i face a new problem...one i didn't expect....
i am afraid to apply for jobs. there it is...dumb i know...but the whole deal brings up so much anxiety and fear...it's ridiculous...i feel kinda stuck. at first i thought it was just a rejection deal - the idea that i don't want to be turned down, and if i don't apply i can't be rejected - which is all a messy cycle in its self. but no - i'm not sure that's really the deal anymore. i think i'm scared that i will apply to something i want.....and get it.
seriously, who thinks like that?! i'm afraid i'm going to get what i want. ok - so it's a little more detailed than that...but that's a starting point. the next part would come with my family. our relationship's always been kind of rocky...and this is just a new topic to bring to the tension. my parents want me to move home...and the thought on it just makes me feel like running. i guess when they start to talk about me 'needing' to move home it makes me feel all closed in - like i have no choice in the matter - no ability to think, pray, and decide for myself. i don't know - they're really upset over the idea that i may want to 'get away' for a little bit before coming back close to home to 'settle down.' i don't know - i guess the problem come in with the fact that i care so much about what they think of me. i want their support so bad that if i think about it too long i may start to cry (though this seems a little ridiculous to me). ugh - i just want them to care about the things that mean something to me. i want them to listen to me when i try to share my heart with them and for them to really hear me - maybe they don't have to totally understand...but be willing to accept me -everything that makes me who i am....does that make any sense?....here - maybe this will help...this is from a recent email conversation i had about this deal (and my interactions with my family in general)....their statement is in CAPS and my reply follows....
i know it's been a while since i updated...i think the last time i was at home for thanksgiving....since then, i finished up my LAMP papers (yay! - who knew it would bring such a relief) and then ran smack into the fact that i only have a job for another month. i guess having the papers hanging over my head - it was easy for me to push that stuff away and 'forget' that i needed to be looking for jobs. well, the time has come where there is no more 'maybe' with this issue...i need to get on it....
so, that's been life the past couple weeks. i've spent half my days on the computer looking for job openings and filling out online resumes....you know the drill. really, i came up with a pretty good list of jobs...which are now conveniently stuffed into a folder and, besides the daily routine of shuffling thru the papers and maybe writing a note or two here and there, have remained fairly untouched. i face a new problem...one i didn't expect....
i am afraid to apply for jobs. there it is...dumb i know...but the whole deal brings up so much anxiety and fear...it's ridiculous...i feel kinda stuck. at first i thought it was just a rejection deal - the idea that i don't want to be turned down, and if i don't apply i can't be rejected - which is all a messy cycle in its self. but no - i'm not sure that's really the deal anymore. i think i'm scared that i will apply to something i want.....and get it.
seriously, who thinks like that?! i'm afraid i'm going to get what i want. ok - so it's a little more detailed than that...but that's a starting point. the next part would come with my family. our relationship's always been kind of rocky...and this is just a new topic to bring to the tension. my parents want me to move home...and the thought on it just makes me feel like running. i guess when they start to talk about me 'needing' to move home it makes me feel all closed in - like i have no choice in the matter - no ability to think, pray, and decide for myself. i don't know - they're really upset over the idea that i may want to 'get away' for a little bit before coming back close to home to 'settle down.' i don't know - i guess the problem come in with the fact that i care so much about what they think of me. i want their support so bad that if i think about it too long i may start to cry (though this seems a little ridiculous to me). ugh - i just want them to care about the things that mean something to me. i want them to listen to me when i try to share my heart with them and for them to really hear me - maybe they don't have to totally understand...but be willing to accept me -everything that makes me who i am....does that make any sense?....here - maybe this will help...this is from a recent email conversation i had about this deal (and my interactions with my family in general)....their statement is in CAPS and my reply follows....
JENN, IT IS CRITICAL THAT YOUR IDENTITY BE IN GOD'S LOVE FOR YOU, AND NOT IN THE LOVE OF ANY PERSON (INCLUDING FAMILY OR OTHERWISE,) BECAUSE WE CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLEi know i can't control them and i know that i shouldn't let their 'love' (or lack of) control how i see myself - but it's hard. this topic has come up a lot lately. right now i'm in the middle of a job search. i really want to be in the place God wants me - doing what he wants me to do. and right now - i have no clue where that'd be...i'm learning a lot more about where my passions are and maybe what would be a good 'fit' for me...but really everything after january is up in the air. i've been talking to my parents about the job situation - and it's been cause for a lot of termoil in our relationship. they want me to move back home - not just to the state of Wisconsin - but live and work real close to home. i don't want to go back there yet (unless that's where i'm "supposed to be." i know that there is a good possibility that i'll end up "settling down" close to home - but right now i want to have options. the past two weeks my mom has called me everyday to tell me, over and over and over, that i need to find a job close to home - and how going anywhere far away is just like leaving the family (somehow i thought repenting about being rebellious and leaving home, etc...would make it so that this wasn't a topic used against me anymore) i don't think not going home would be running away like it was the last time - i'm not that person (although i have to keep telling myself that over and over - sometimes it's hard to believe - hard to trust myself and who i'm becoming)...but anyways - there are some places i'd love to do that are not around home - places where i think i could really grow - but they don't understand that kind of thing. i don't know - all that's to say - i still don't really know how to communicate with my family - it's hard for me to believe i have a choice in where i go and what i do..because i'm torn. i don't want to hurt them, i don't want to look like i'm running away from them, and at the same time i want to go where i'm supposed to...and a place that's going to be good for me. so, it's been hard for me to not get frustrated with my family. i love them...but i don't know how to interact with them...i don't know how to communicate my heart with them - and really...i'm scared that none of this is going to work out. i just want them to love me - love and accept who i am - and i want there support in what i do...and i don't think i'm going to get it. does any of that make sense?
whelp - i don't know where to go from here. the other part of this mess is a fear of leaving greenville. though i want to obey and go where i'm supposed to be...this almost seems like it'd be leaving home. greenville has been my home for 4 1/2 years - this is where i built healthy relationships with people who know Christ and desire to love people like he did. this is where i hit both my low and my high points of life - a combination of breaking and healing. this is the place where i started to think it might be ok to be who i am...nothing more....nothing less. so yeah - here i am - great opportunity and i'm afraid i'm going to miss out because i won't act (because of fear). guess we'll see. for now i guess i tackle the problem before me and worry about leaving when/if it comes to that...but for now....
i don't know how to be with my family. i don't know how to talk to them. i don't know how to find my identity in God alone. i want to learn what it is to be a part of them again...to love them and let them love me...all in all i think it's going to be a great and tough christmas...and it starts tomorrow....
-jenn
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
whelp...tuesday night we decided to continue with friend/hang-out plans but then just kinda jump in the car and get on our way after we were done. we quick packed up and were able to get on the road at 10pm. we did pretty good...only stopping a few times...took turns 'resting' for a little bit...we made it into janesville at 3am...with the snow. we're sure glad we decided not to wait until morning to get going...the stang and snow don't mix.....
a fun tuesday afternoon with the Pierson kiddos... (Greggory and Ruthie)
"What's that? Is that me?..."
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