Random Ramblings - Probably Overdue....

- - ok…I’ll warn ya…this one’s gonna be a long one - - here goes - -

What a week. What a weekend…I am always glad for a time to rest and days that I don’t have to stay outside all day and melt in the heat. But sometimes, it gets to be Sunday and I long for the business of the weekdays to begin. It has been an emotional week for me – lots of ups and downs – and I felt the only appropriate way to finish this out and usher in the beginnings of a new week is right here; sitting outside Starbucks (or I guess I should say – the Starbucks/IHOP – yeah…only in WI)….with an iced Carmel Macchiato, my journal, good music, and a storm approaching in the distance. It’s starting to get real dark out and the wind is picking up. The temp has just dropped a good 10 degrees or more (ptl) and it’s sort of refreshing. I’m sitting here listening to music with the thunder echoing as a natural bass boost. We’re starting to get desperate for rain up here – and I too long to be drenched…to be soaked…I just feel so dry….

Well…this blog may end up being sort of random…but try to stay with me. I’m not even sure that this will all make sense to me in the end…but I just decided I’ll throw it all out there. Maybe then I’ll be able to take a better look at things and find some clarity. Who knows…here goes nothing….

So, today was a minor breaking point…not a huge deal…but not very fun either. I went to church and was just sort of sad. Every Sunday I go and I see people and I think to myself – “there is SO MUCH MORE for you. Would you just stop pretending that everything in your life is perfect?” I mean, Pastor Tom talks about being a church that wants to reach the community and wants to stay united; being a place where the body supports each of its members – but I want to know - how the heck do we expect to reach out to the new people or stay united if we can’t even be real with each other – people we know and supposedly love. Why do we have to be perfect? I mean, it’s no secret that none of us are perfect people. What about Royce? Royce and Tasha are new friends of mine – Royce is battling his 6th bout with brain cancer in the past 4 years – this time the surgery didn’t happen in time and tumors reached his spinal cord. They’re now having to inject chemo right into the spinal cord. He has good weeks and bad weeks – but many more rough ones than good right now. I mean, occasionally his name is mentioned in church…but he hasn’t been able to come to church in at least 6 weeks….why are we not going to pray for him? Why are we not trying to care for Tasha – she so great and supportive and she tries to be positive. She knew a little bit about when she was getting into when she married him – but they haven’t had a ton of time together as a couple where he hasn’t been sick…and she has stuck by his side. Why aren’t we taking time to stay with him so she can get out of the house. Last Friday night my friend Heather and I got together with Tasha and just had a movie night…so was so excited to get out with us she almost cried…I admire her so much. And why do the sick seem, at times, to have more faith than those of us who are supposed to be supporting them? Royce will tell anyone who comes to see him…he believes God’s going to do a miracle…because he’s had this cancer 5 times already and he’s still here. However, the doctors are getting together soon to decide whether or not to give up the fight medically. Royce needs a miracle and he is fully expecting one. But what about us as a church? Maybe the bigger miracle would be if the church came together in faith that a miracle was possible – faith that God still heals today.

Or what about Quinn? I went to elementary school with Quinn and just saw him for the first time in 10 years a couple weeks ago. His family goes to our church and his brother is over in Iraq. What about him? He’s been trying to figure out what to do with his life for the past year. He is a new Christian and doesn’t seem to know how to fit into the church. And we’re not helping. People are shy of talking to him because he has a couple tattoos. But he’s sweet – a good kid. Totally turned his life around and now is scared – seeing no real answers to his daily questions. Why isn’t some adult male coming along side of him – teaching him how to be a good Christian man – how to be a leader. Why aren’t we trying to help him find a job he can do and feel satisfaction in?

What about Emily and Nate? They have a little boy named Caleb. They both work long hours and Caleb spends most of his time at the babysitter’s house – has just started calling her ‘mommy’ – poor little one gets so confused. Emily is so hurt that her little one is starting to be comforted by other people than her. However, she has led a rough life and still has a lot of wounds. She is 28 – but real immature. She’s scared…and lonely….and feels guilty that she sometimes just wants to leave her husband and son to get away for a little while (not leave them forever – just “get away”). She doesn’t feel good enough and her husband isn’t very affirming – but he’s working LONG days trying to provide for his family. He’s so tired. Why aren’t we praying about the job they are so desperately praying for that would give them better hours and more family time? Why aren’t we helping them figure out how they’re going to afford college for Nate so he can get into a job he’ll love and be good at …not just one he’s roped into because they need money?

These are just a couple of examples…and I know there are more. Many times I see people at church and I just know how they’re hurting…is that weird? Well…all that’s to say….we, like most churches, are a church of hurting people….not bad people…hurting. We need to focus on one another and if we would just be a little open – we could meet someone else’s needs and end up getting our own needs met. I don’t know…I’m sorry…just a little rant. Maybe I care about these people a little more than I thought.

Anyways, I was a little upset when I got home. And then I overreacted to an email I got from a friend. Don’t get me wrong – I love hearing from this person…but I just got a little worked up. I felt like I was getting yelled at a little bit. That’s not what was going on…but I was being reminded of things I already know – or should know. Things about trusting God fully and exercising the authority I have in Christ. Sometimes it feels like my heart and heat have a bad connecting…like sometimes the wires short out and the things I know don’t reach my heart. And it’s not excuse but I’ve just been so worn out lately…I haven’t really felt like I had the energy to fight the lies (I mean, I know that’s a lie…I am NOT too tired…but it’s easy to think so). I’ve just gotten lazy and settled into the safe excuses – settled into feeling sorry for myself.

Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the tough and painful places…because it seems that reaching the joyful point will take too much effort or will be too painful a process. But…is it worth it? Probably. But this week…I’ve settled for a mediocre existence. I don’t want to be mediocre any more. More on this in a second.

This afternoon I called Maura and talked to her for a little while. Can I just say how much I love that girl…she’s great. I called her because I was real delinquent in returning and email I got from her –mainly because I didn’t know what to say – and decided to talk to her on the phone instead. We talked about fear and it got me thinking. Here’s where things will probably get a little more random…but I’m sorry…I just don’t know a good way to link them all together….but here goes…..thoughts:

- you can see some things you think about God thru what you fear. For example…fearing giving up control to God…is really the fear that God is one who would take advantage of me or hurt me. Maybe about future stuff it would be the fear that God would ask of me something he knows I can’t do – looking for me to fail. But the truth is, I don’t really think God is one who takes advantage of people, hurts people, or looks to make us look bad. I know that God is good.
- Or look at my reaction to how he works. I mean – I ask for healing and restoration…but I don’t know how to let him heal me…or how to let him comfort me. I get in my own way. Or, when things get rough or painful…I question how he chooses to deal with my stuff – I start to feel picked on. But the truth is, healing isn’t easy and most of the time, it hurts. But there is hope for a “sweet relief” – but I don’t allow myself to get that far. I get to the point where things are uncomfortable and either I stop trusting and take back control…or I get bitter and start to feel sorry for myself.
- Forgiveness – I am less forgiving and grace-giving to my family than anyone else. For my friends – I don’t hold grudges and long for restoration when a break in the relationship happens…but for my family it’s different. Actually, maybe it’s not just the fact that they are my family…the truth is, I expect that if I’m going to forgive someone they’ll forgive me for my short-comings as well. I will forgive if I’m forgiven. It’s horrible I know…I’m kinda ashamed to admit this…but it was clearly brought to my attention today when I was talking to Maura – it just popped in my head without warning *smack* - so…how does one get to a point where they can forgive those who won’t forgive them? How do I bless the people that tear me down in such a personal way? How do I let them be human?
- It’s hard for me to let myself be different. I mean, it’s hard enough with the people that won’t let me show them how I’ve changed my life around – but I also have trouble letting myself be different. I mean, I’m not talking about resisting temptation – I’m talking about how I see myself. My past is a good excuse for my present thoughts and feelings. I used to look at my life and try to figure out why I did the things I do or felt the way I used to feel…and at the time, it was because of my past – I could see how it all fit together. But now that I’ve changed my ‘actions’ and am not living in those sin issues…I still like to use the past as an excuse for letting Satan get to me – and excuse for questioning blatant lies that are just trying to drag me down. I don’t actually have those excuses anymore – they’re not legitimate – so…I need to let myself be different. There was a time last year where I was panicked because I didn’t know how to deal with things now that I was getting healthy and because I knew the truth about things. Isn’t that kinda sick? Trying so hard to make things right…and then not knowing how to live in a ‘healthy’ place? Man…what’s wrong with me?
- Just a few hours ago – we had our first SALT group meeting (student action leadership team) – it’s a discipleship/accountability group for some of the high school youth – training leaders. I’m one of the two girl ‘leaders’ and tonight was just a sort of introduction time. Greg Arneson is leading the group – I’ve known him my whole life and his parents were our bible study leaders up until this year (he calls me “Jenny” ALL THE TIME – haha…I don’t really mind it too much anymore – it’s kinda funny to me now). He decided to take over and give our youth pastor Jason a little bit of a break. O…side note – here’s a praise…is dad got a double lung transplant Moday – he’s been at the top of the transplant list for a year now. He has a long way to go but it’s a great start. Anyways – our topic for the next couple weeks is the beatitudes. They’re going to take them one at a time and study each one until everyone feels ready to move on. Anyways – a couple of things to think about from that time.
1. “Meekness” – is defined as handling pain and hardship with patience and without bitterness. Whoa – what a butt-kicker. Handling the rough times with patience…have to work on that one…but it’s not nearly as bad as the “without bitterness” part. I realized I blame God for a lot of things that go wrong in life. Bad things DO happen to good people and it’s not God “doing it to us.” It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the whole “God loves me extravagantly” deal – God is good no matter what happens. And me fearing that people I love are going to get hurt or fearing I’m going to be hurt if I give up control to God isn’t right. I get angry when I’m hurting – instead of running to God and letting him be my father – letting him comfort and take care of me. Lately I’ve just been desperate for him to make himself really real to me. At the same time – I’m a little afraid of what that’d be like. Anyways – notice a theme here? Fear – yeah….
2. Greg talked about having an “Attitude of Gratitude” I used to get SO annoyed by that phrase – my parents used it when I was little – usually calling me out on something I was complaining about – something I ‘should’ be thankful for but couldn’t see as a blessing at the time. That’s kinda like the beatitudes…reading the first parts of them – blessed are the meek, merciful, poor in spirit, persecuted…etc…doesn’t sounds like fun….doesn’t sound like something I’d like to sign up for. However, a lot of times we only read the first halves of those verses – we miss the second parts…we miss the promise of blessings to come. We miss the hope we can have.
- Finally, thoughts about moving back to Greenville. I am kinda excited for the year and kinda scared too. I don’t know what’s coming…but I know it’s going to be different than any year I’ve had there before. I’m a little afraid of how God may want me to get involved with people. I’m afraid of putting myself out there, wanting to love on people, and being rejected. And presently – I’m a little concerned about finding a place to live. I made a ton of calls yesterday and may have some decent possibilities. Also – job and how to pay for it – yeah – it’s a little messy. But here’s the thought that has run thru my head all day – “God did not lead me back to Greenville just to end up leaving me jobless and homeless – if that’s where he wants me to be he’s going to provide for me – and probably above and beyond what I can imagine right now. I’m trying to trust – but it’s hard - but it’ll be ok…right?
Well…guess that’s about all I got. I apologize for the length…but I guess it’s been a long time coming…any thoughts are welcome…bring’em on. I’m trying to trust, trying to be still…wait on God’s timing and his will…but sometimes I just feel sort of low and empty. It’s no excuse – but hopefully I’ll learn how to learn in those moments and not take steps back – not fear but cling even tighter to the truth I’ve come to learn. We will see….

Ok…I’m off to get things ready for tomorrow…tomorrow I’m back to the good old cubicle on 6 wheels…I think that’s going to be what I’m gonna call it from now on. Because even though I get to move in it…when you are going back and forth and back and forth to the same place all the time…it gets REAL boring and you feel sort of trapped. O well…. I am blessed to have a job.

Love,
Jenn