ok...so contrary to popular opinnion...the reason i haven't updated until now is NOT that i haven't wanted to or haven't tried. i've actually tried to make myself do it a lot of times this past month. so now - asked to update numerous times and even given a topic...here goes nothing....
the topic: things i'm thankful for...(we'll see how this goes)
-thoughts on the topic first....i'll get to a list of things i'm thankful for at the end....i promise........
first of all...i'm not a huge fan of this topic at the moment. i mean - i know i probably should be and that frustrates me. i mean ...who is asked what they're thankful for and it makes them angry and they can't seem to think of anything?? i hate those kinds of people...and right now i AM one of those people...grrr. it's not that i think everything in my life right now is crap...i know that's not true...but i'm angry and don't want to be 'thankful' to anyone for the things that aren't messed up. does that make any sense? i can't believe that i'm even taking time to think this through (instead of just making up some sort of bs list). but seriously...i don't want to think about it too much because it makes me look bad. for real...being upset by the thought of coming up with a list of things i'm thankful for just makes me look like a jerk. although...i've heard that plenty of times before...and if i was really real with people and let them know how/what i thought sometimes...it'd be obvious....i am a jerk. and now that i think about it...(i realize something from this morning really fits here...) so i subscribe to this newsletter thru my email that's written by my favorite author and her husband...this is a quote from an email i got this morning that was just kind of a hit.... (and ironic because i just started "the purpose driven life" last night....)
"Have you ever had one of those moments when God places in your lap something you don't feel equipped or able to do? A few weeks ago, I was asked to begin teaching a Bible study for our "on-the-road" staff at Women of Faith. The first thought that came to mind was "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. So I pulled the book out during some free time to begin study (the last time I read the book was about a year ago) and I was immediately offended by the first words of the first chapter...." It's not about you." Oh boy - this is going to be a challenge. Maybe I shouldn't do the study. Maybe I shouldn't do THIS study. As I flipped pages, I "accidentally" went to page 173... "God's ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort but character development."
--hmmm...thought....being thankful for things does not just mean making a list of things that are fun and secure in your life at the moment? maybe? i don't know....grr...i hate that i get so hung up on this stuff. i mean - i know it's not good or true...but at some level i don't care enough to fight my own attitude. it's easier to just be angry with the way things are than to look for the way to get back on the right track. sometimes i get tired of things not going well and it's just easier to accept the idea that life doesn't have any potential of greatness. when life is crappy i don't want to be thankful for anything...because it doesn't seem to matter what i have been given if i feel overwhelmed with life in general. that's probably way off...huh? yeah - i know.
i guess i've really started to think about it in the area of music. now this is really not going to make me look very good....but i'll be real honest here. most of the time i like Christian music. all growing up we were never allowed to listen to anything other than ccm. i didn't get into other music until late high school/early college. anyways - so the past couple of days i was asked to watch what i listen to and limit it to christian music. i thought 'no big deal...whatever' and then i turned on the radio in my car and was just so angry. i am definately a person that listens to music for the words...i couldn't stand what i was hearing. i started to think things like "this is crap...how can you be saying these kind of things? do you live in the same world i do? how can you be living the christian life and be so joyful when i think - man, changing my lifestyle has not been what i'd consider a fun/joyous experience? would you still be singing these words if you were in the middle of a crisis? if so that's great...but i don't understand it at all." i mean for real...who thinks like that? what kind of a person is upset with people because they're too happy about life? i mean...it's not that i don't want to be happy....i'm just not at that place right now.... sometimes i just don't care and i just want to forget it all...
but don't get me wrong...i want to care. i want to know what it is to have joy when life's messed up or how to be thankful for things that hurt or break me. i don't know how to get there. and the journey to get to that place, though fairly unknown, is scary to me. what if i can't get there...what if i don't make it. i know that just staying in this angry place is not going to get me anywhere - muchless anywhere i'd want to go...but what if i fail? or what if it's not a real possibility? i don't what to set myself up to be disappointed. i know that's a risk i should be willing to take...and i want to be...i guess i want to know that i'm not going to end up alone on this. it's stupid but i want to be like...'God...i need to know that you're going to stick this out...i even started to wonder if you were here at all this morning and that scared me..because i've never had such a 'real' feeling of doubt. i want to trust you but i can't see where you've shown up in my past and i'm scared i won't feel you any more in the future. ' can you ask God to just be really 'real' to you? i don't know if that's an ok thing to ask. i feel like it's dumb but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not ok i guess. i don't know....i've been rambling for a while...i'd better get on with this.....
well...with that said and know feeling real great about things....about that list....ummmm......
Thankful for: (this may be real random)
1. Decent health of family (at least no one's in the hospital)
2. Sister here in G'ville - potential relationship
3. I have enough money to pay rent and eat this month
4. Work
5. I get to play soccer; ability to workout and stay busy
6. My own apt.
7. Friends that are willing to make me mad - willing to tell me the truth even when they know it'll upset me
8. A vehicle
9. Coffee - to keep me going
10. Getting at least enough sleep to be able to function
ta-da....an update....thoughts?
jenn
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