hopelessness, forgiveness, obedience...thoughts and such...

Ok – so I guess there are a couple different thoughts to tackle today...for some reason I think that my blog could be renamed ‘Confessions’ because I think the out-pouring of my heart, as of late, is more honest confession of conflict, confusion, and realization of my own wretchedness than about daily life’s ins and outs. I don’t know...maybe there’s a time for that too. Moving on...................

Deb Somerville preached yesterday and a quote she used for Purpose Driven Life really started to get me thinking..... Warren says:

“One problem long-term Christians have is that they forget how hopeless it felt to be without Christ.” (pg. 284)

Naturally I hear this and I ask myself – Have I forgotten the hopelessness of being without Christ? The answer that first came to me was not the simple one I was looking for. Instead, I thought to myself, you know...I’m not sure I even know what that “hopelessness” is like – thinking about my life-experience. Let me explain better.... I grew up in a Christian home. My grandfather was a pastor and my parents were always HEAVILY involved in church. My sister an I were at various church events at least 4 times a week. For the most part, our family was there more than the pastor’s (because of different committees and leadership positions my parents held) Anyways – that’s all to say...from my earliest memories (which are few...but there are some) I was told about Jesus and all the various Sunday School Bible stories...etc. There was never really a time that I can remember not knowing about Jesus. I’m not going to say that I understood everything (and still don’t)...but there was not a time that someone told me about the Gospel and it changed how I was living or what I thought to be true...stuff like that. I accepted Christ and was baptized at the age of 5.

So...these are my initial thoughts...I know that many times I have an apathy about Christ. Many times I recognize that sometimes it’s hard for me to remember/understand what life without Christ is like or what difference knowing him makes in my life. I hate that. I’m not saying that I should need to have the experience to change my attitude towards the whole deal...but many times my experiences are reference points...and I don’t feel like I have a reference point for this. This idea of hopelessness....I know many times I’ve felt all was lost and that there was no hope of redemption – and still struggle with this on and off...and all these time of ‘hopelessness’ (though ‘false’ as it may be) all were during times after I was baptized...how doe that work? People talk about the hopelessness before hearing the Gospel....what about us (I guess I’m assuming I’m not alone here...but maybe I’m wrong)...what about those of us who have felt utter despair and hopelessness who have grown up in the Church and accepted Christ at early ages?

But, as always, I have thoughts on the flip side of this as well. This whole topic leads into a later chapter’s discussion of you’re testimony/ life story. The first topic they suggest you discuss is life before/after Christ. And here I ran into the same problem – no real time period of technically not ‘knowing’ about Jesus. It’s here I start to look for a way I could make it a little more applicable to me. I guess maybe there’s a difference between my acceptance of Christ and the time that I really began to learn how and who He really is. Maybe the difference between believing in and knowing Him. I don’t know...if I look at it that way there’s quite a difference in the number of years. Accepting Christ at age 5 but not really ‘experiencing’ or being shown who He is until age 21. Maybe that’s my before-and-after picture???? I don’t know.

All of that’s to say....I hate that I have become apathetic. Actually, maybe I’ve always been that way. Can you make yourself appreciate something more because you know you should and you know in your head that that’s the appropriate attitude to have? Again it’s just this terrible separation of head and heart. Sometimes I think they’ll never come together. I fear my heart is becoming rigid again...I can’t feel. However, this time I don’t think it’s something that I chose. As far as I know...I didn’t make the decision not to feel...I just don’t right now. Is there something wrong with me?? Maybe...maybe not I guess. So...speaking of being unappreciative...here we come to the second topic...forgiveness....(fortunate/unfortunately another topic covered by Warren a couple weeks ago that I’ve thought about the past couple days) Warren says:

“You can’t have fellowship without forgiveness. God warns, ‘Never hold grudges,” because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Because we’re imperfect, sinful people, we inevitable hurt each other when we’re together for a long enough time. sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship. The Bible says, ‘You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.’ God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” (pg. 142)

Forgiveness – the topic I desire to be moved to – to forgive because I know it’s a sin not to and not just because I don’t want to look like a bad person or just say “I forgive you” so I don’t have to talk to the person that hurt me anymore. Most of the time I think – unforgiveness doesn’t affect me it affects that person that hurt me. And if it was “ok” for them to hurt me than I’m going to use anything I can to try to hurt them back....wanting them to feel something like I do – especially if I’m not over what happened. How prideful...how sick....how wrong. So, I spend last week pretty much laying down all day. I was “sick” (really who knows) and head and neck pain kept me down for the most part. I have a LOT of time alone - a lot of time to think. A lot of time for God to bring issues to mind that need to be dealt with. In some ways it was really good...there was no way for me to busy myself too much to hear him and be convicted of sin. No real way to ignore or to make my environment too loud to listen (I couldn’t handle loud noises – barely turning the tv loud enough to make out most of the words). All that is to say...there were two topics that I can’t ignore anymore. And one of them is unforgiveness.

Sure, this has been brought up to me before...but I was too angry and bitter to receive the counsel. I didn’t totally know that though...I wanted to be able to be soft hearted and hear correction...but I couldn’t....and I didn’t take steps to get there either. And now here I am...many times and angry and selfish person -angry about what people have “gotten away with” and bitter that the pain is lasting (so far). This brings me back to angry times – times I hate to look bad on because I’m ashamed of who I was and what I let myself do to people out of my hurt and frustration. I don’t want to reach that point again. Ok – I think I’m drifting a bit...back to topic.

Thinking about the story of the man who owed an un-repayable amount and was forgiven the debt...just to turn around and refuse to show mercy to another man who owed him much less - - that’s me. So about this part of the above quote: “God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” I was in an incredible amount of debt and Jesus came anyways. One of the things that always pops into my head is ‘I can’t forgive that person...they don’t even think what they did was wrong....’ --This week I remembered....Jesus came and died before I was born. He knew what I was capable of and how I would sin...and 1. He died ...anyways 2. He let me be born....anyways 3. He forgave me before I even knew that I had ever done anything wrong. I’ve never died for anyone...and I think it would be hard to consider paying that price for someone you knew would hurt you in the future. I guess sometime I think...well...I’m not as bad as those Jews who crucified him - - and then I remember....my sin put him there. I didn’t have to physically be the one pounding the nails into his hands and feet to be causing his death.

I guess it just hit me yesterday – people often say that Jesus endured all the different hardships we face on earth. And for some reason that’s always been hard for me to fully accept. I started to think yesterday that some of it has to do with him being a man. I almost think “come on...you were a man...you didn’t have people take advantage of you or abuse you...etc......so how do you know what it’s like to be me. How do you know what it is to forgive people after they do ‘these’ kinds of things to you” - but when you really look at it...he was taken advantage of (and I take him for granted on pretty much a daily basis), he was abused – beaten and killed in a horribly painful way...and he was innocent (when things happened to me I was anything but innocent) and my sin put him in that position of abuse. So yes – though I can not fully understand it yet....his life was not easy and he had trials like all of us. He was hurt and he forgave....he didn’t become bitter and angry like I have – wishing trouble for some people.

So – there really is no good reason for me to refuse to forgive someone. My hardships are no greater than anyone else and I’m sure most are worse off that I am. Who do I think I am that I can just choose who is ‘good enough’ to receive my forgiveness and who should suffer instead. I am no one – as far as that answer goes. And every time my heart says my forgiveness is worth more or that I have the right to withhold it...I guess it’s like telling God His son’s death means little to me...that I’m worth more. That’s wrong and I can only imagine how much that has to hurt him. When it’s put bluntly like that...it’s not something I’d agree with....but I know I do it anyways. I know his sacrifice wasn’t ‘nothing’...it was everything. None of us were/are worthy of his forgiveness...and that’s why it’s a gift. I am not the judge of my fellow man and I need to stop acting like it. When I become bitter and angry over hurt that has been caused to me...that’s my fault...not the fault of the other individual.

All that is to say....God said “forgive one another” and I have said right back “no, not until....” – but really that’s just the fancy way of saying “no. you can’t make me. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.” But I try to ignore the fact that that’s what my actions – or rather – inaction...is really saying. I am rebellious and I know it. Most of the time I admit I’ve like it. Like a game it’s exciting and dangerous and gives a feeling of power. But this week I realized it’s really throwing God’s mercy, grace, and perfect plan for your life back in his face and saying – “I’m glad I’m saved from hell...but know I’ll take it from here. Now that I don’t have to worry about that...I don’t need you anymore...and more than that...I don’t want you.”

Have you ever given someone a gift that took you a long time to find or make or cost a lot – but you sacrificed something because you knew it was something that would really help them or make them happy – only to be disappointed by their reaction upon receiving the gift. I think that’s what I’ve done with God. I know my ways aren’t perfect like his and even though I’d like to think that my way of ‘protecting’ myself is the right way...I know it’s stupid and childish. I don’t want to live this way anymore...not just because it doesn’t work and I end up worse of than I started (although...that does suck). I don’t want to be ungrateful and stubborn just for the sake of being difficult. I want to change – act when I’m told to do something and trust him with my life. I don’t want to hurt him any more – don’t want to be difficult. I want him to use me but I know that I can’t be used unless I’m willing to give up the right to know or the right to understand. I’m glad he knows more than I do and I want to stop fighting him because he deserves my love, my life, and my will – not my attitude. I don’t want to be in control anymore – and as much as that scares me...It doesn’t scare me enough to care more about myself than doing what I’m supposed to do. Ok...one more quote (I know it’s dumb...but they’ve brought up good points...) page 314:

“How do you know when God is at the center of your life? When God’s at the center, you worship. When he’s not, you worry. Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sidelines.”

I don’t want to worry anymore – not just because worry and anxiety really ware on you and aren’t pleasant...but because I think I finally believe it: I don’t have to worry. I think sometimes worrying is a comfort...it means that you’re trying to fix something so it comes out in your favor (a.k.a. – control). But I don’t have to be in control to be safe huh? I mean – I know I’ve heard it hundreds of times...but I think I might actually believe it. No idea how I got to this point...but I guess it doesn’t mattered. So strange – the idea of not being in control being a safe thing – having someone else call the shots keeping you from harm....boggles my mind...but again...I think I ‘get’ it a little bit more.

So...where to go from here?? I don’t know. I guess now I need feedback...any thoughts??....wow...that seriously exhausted me. Is that sad?? Thinking too much tired me out?? Man – I’ve gotten get a life...o wait – this is life.....later

Jenn