i know it's been a while since i updated...i think the last time i was at home for thanksgiving....since then, i finished up my LAMP papers (yay! - who knew it would bring such a relief) and then ran smack into the fact that i only have a job for another month. i guess having the papers hanging over my head - it was easy for me to push that stuff away and 'forget' that i needed to be looking for jobs. well, the time has come where there is no more 'maybe' with this issue...i need to get on it....
so, that's been life the past couple weeks. i've spent half my days on the computer looking for job openings and filling out online resumes....you know the drill. really, i came up with a pretty good list of jobs...which are now conveniently stuffed into a folder and, besides the daily routine of shuffling thru the papers and maybe writing a note or two here and there, have remained fairly untouched. i face a new problem...one i didn't expect....
i am afraid to apply for jobs. there it is...dumb i know...but the whole deal brings up so much anxiety and fear...it's ridiculous...i feel kinda stuck. at first i thought it was just a rejection deal - the idea that i don't want to be turned down, and if i don't apply i can't be rejected - which is all a messy cycle in its self. but no - i'm not sure that's really the deal anymore. i think i'm scared that i will apply to something i want.....and get it.
seriously, who thinks like that?! i'm afraid i'm going to get what i want. ok - so it's a little more detailed than that...but that's a starting point. the next part would come with my family. our relationship's always been kind of rocky...and this is just a new topic to bring to the tension. my parents want me to move home...and the thought on it just makes me feel like running. i guess when they start to talk about me 'needing' to move home it makes me feel all closed in - like i have no choice in the matter - no ability to think, pray, and decide for myself. i don't know - they're really upset over the idea that i may want to 'get away' for a little bit before coming back close to home to 'settle down.' i don't know - i guess the problem come in with the fact that i care so much about what they think of me. i want their support so bad that if i think about it too long i may start to cry (though this seems a little ridiculous to me). ugh - i just want them to care about the things that mean something to me. i want them to listen to me when i try to share my heart with them and for them to really hear me - maybe they don't have to totally understand...but be willing to accept me -everything that makes me who i am....does that make any sense?....here - maybe this will help...this is from a recent email conversation i had about this deal (and my interactions with my family in general)....their statement is in CAPS and my reply follows....
JENN, IT IS CRITICAL THAT YOUR IDENTITY BE IN GOD'S LOVE FOR YOU, AND NOT IN THE LOVE OF ANY PERSON (INCLUDING FAMILY OR OTHERWISE,) BECAUSE WE CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLEi know i can't control them and i know that i shouldn't let their 'love' (or lack of) control how i see myself - but it's hard. this topic has come up a lot lately. right now i'm in the middle of a job search. i really want to be in the place God wants me - doing what he wants me to do. and right now - i have no clue where that'd be...i'm learning a lot more about where my passions are and maybe what would be a good 'fit' for me...but really everything after january is up in the air. i've been talking to my parents about the job situation - and it's been cause for a lot of termoil in our relationship. they want me to move back home - not just to the state of Wisconsin - but live and work real close to home. i don't want to go back there yet (unless that's where i'm "supposed to be." i know that there is a good possibility that i'll end up "settling down" close to home - but right now i want to have options. the past two weeks my mom has called me everyday to tell me, over and over and over, that i need to find a job close to home - and how going anywhere far away is just like leaving the family (somehow i thought repenting about being rebellious and leaving home, etc...would make it so that this wasn't a topic used against me anymore) i don't think not going home would be running away like it was the last time - i'm not that person (although i have to keep telling myself that over and over - sometimes it's hard to believe - hard to trust myself and who i'm becoming)...but anyways - there are some places i'd love to do that are not around home - places where i think i could really grow - but they don't understand that kind of thing. i don't know - all that's to say - i still don't really know how to communicate with my family - it's hard for me to believe i have a choice in where i go and what i do..because i'm torn. i don't want to hurt them, i don't want to look like i'm running away from them, and at the same time i want to go where i'm supposed to...and a place that's going to be good for me. so, it's been hard for me to not get frustrated with my family. i love them...but i don't know how to interact with them...i don't know how to communicate my heart with them - and really...i'm scared that none of this is going to work out. i just want them to love me - love and accept who i am - and i want there support in what i do...and i don't think i'm going to get it. does any of that make sense?
whelp - i don't know where to go from here. the other part of this mess is a fear of leaving greenville. though i want to obey and go where i'm supposed to be...this almost seems like it'd be leaving home. greenville has been my home for 4 1/2 years - this is where i built healthy relationships with people who know Christ and desire to love people like he did. this is where i hit both my low and my high points of life - a combination of breaking and healing. this is the place where i started to think it might be ok to be who i am...nothing more....nothing less. so yeah - here i am - great opportunity and i'm afraid i'm going to miss out because i won't act (because of fear). guess we'll see. for now i guess i tackle the problem before me and worry about leaving when/if it comes to that...but for now....
i don't know how to be with my family. i don't know how to talk to them. i don't know how to find my identity in God alone. i want to learn what it is to be a part of them again...to love them and let them love me...all in all i think it's going to be a great and tough christmas...and it starts tomorrow....
-jenn
