just a side note...nothing more...and feel a whole lot less....

*warning - pathetic rant below - read at your own risk*

this is what i've come to realize...i am just an afterthought most of the time with my "friends."

i guess i had a lot of time to think in the truck today - 8 hours of solitude will do it i guess...that and i was supposed to have some qt with someone this evening and things got all messed up. instead - she's on her way towards chicago to see someone else. o well...here's the deal....

i'm lonely...i'm sick of being here in janesville with no one i can really talk to. no one around here knows me - i just want someone to know me. i know people say that i need to be intentional about trying to talk to people and "let" them get to know me. but really...i've been trying...really...and i'm no further along in the whole deal then any other day around here. and in all honesty...people around here don't really care to get to know me. and i should be ok with it. i mean - you can't make anyone get to know you be your friend. this city - man...so many people and yet no one to hang out with. i've heard a lot recently that janesville has turned into a really unfriendly place. people seem to have a hard time trying to move here and get to know anyone....guess that should make me feel good that at least i'm not the only one...but it doesn't. i mean...i'm not someone new. i was born here, grew up here, when to school here, come back every summer, etc. ugh! for real...what do i have to do to get someone to notice that i've here and i'm lonely. it's dumb i know...but when i was younger i kida wished i'd get into some sort of bad accident or something where i was hurt so i could see who really gave a rip. don't get me wrong...i'm not thinking that way at all. but sometimes i just start to think and wonder who would show up if something did happen to me. it bothers me that i don't know. i know i don't have a good defintion of what a "friend" is...but here's what's bothering me...let me explain the "side note" idea.

i'm tired of being, what i'm going to start to refer to as, a 'reply' friend. someone people most of the time will email back if i send them something with a question in it, someone who may talk to me or return a call if i call them, someone people will let visit them if i decide to take time out to go and see them. i mean, i love to be the person people call when they're in a crisis time or when they happen to be in the area and need a place to crash for a little bit - but i'm just not satisfied with being a "reply" friend. somedays...like today...i'm just tired and lonely and just want to hear from someone. sometimes there are days when i just want to know that i matter to someone...but unfortunately - i basically have to seek out people to get anything close to that. it's just not the same. maybe it's just prideful and maybe this is wrong...i don't know....but i just wish that my "friends" missed me enough or cared enough to call or email me (even if i didn't do it first), people who'd notice when it's been a long time since we've had a convo, someone who'd want to come and see me because they miss hanging out. i'm just tired of feeling like i am the only one who cares whether or not we are friends - the only one trying to keep in contact or keep some sort of running convo. maybe i'm just afraid of being forgotten. i guess that would be my fear except i honestly do want to know these people and want them to know me. although...i do kinda feel forgotten...it probably has a lot to do with my family - - who seem to have forgotten that they have two children instead of just one (doing things like forgetting to pick up enough food for four people, forgetting to tell me about 'family things' we're doing, leaving places without me...stuff like that). i don't know. i wish people knew how much i think about them - i care a lot and more than just wanting people to know me - i want to stay up to date with what's going on in people's lives. and most of the time...i have a weird feeling of what is going on with them and so...i hate it when i know that there's something going on with people and i can't be there for them or they're not really talking to me. i'm sorry...it just all hit me at once today. i know there are friends who are for a time and other friends for a lifetime....but where are my friends for this time? why do i have to care so deeply about my friends who seem to be just for a short time? why do i seem to pick people who are on their way out to get to know? ok..i know you're going to say that i'm exaggerating or i'm just over-sensitive...but seriously...every person i get close to or let get close to me leaves. it sucks - there are so many friends that i'm not sure when or if i'll see them again...and i'm frustrated. just when things get good...it falls apart. i know this isn't true...but sometimes i feel like God does sometime like this: "hmmm...let's see what she thinks of this? o...it makes her happy/o...things are working out....well...better change that." ok - so that's really cynical and stuff...but i'm tired. i need a little break. i just want something good to come into my life and stick around long enough for me to really enjoy it - maybe have a little peace - just a little bit. i don't mean that everything has to be easy...but just let things even out for a sec so i can catch my breath???

man...i am really looking forward to this vacation. 4 days half way across the country (i guess, living in the midwest...that's about as far as i can get in the US) - away from all of this...maybe i'll be able to get a little better perspective on things. just to see someone familiar...that'd be a highlight. i know that i should just trust that God knows what He's doing better than i ever could. i should trust that He's sticking by me even though no one else seems to be around. i should trust that He's going to provide and be my comfort and peace..but i don't feel ok...my head and my heart have yet to catch up with each other. guess i'd better wrap this one up while i'm still "ahead" (but at this point i'm not totally sure that's the case at the present time )...o well...now you know what's been running in my head today - i'm sure some of you really weren't looking for that much of a rant...i apologize...hopefully future posts will have the positive to report...
love,
jenn