plethora...now THAT'S a fun word...plethora...

as in typical fashion - a plethora of subjects for the day/week/whatever....

the last half of my week...my 'follow-thru' week was...well... 'interesting' - i guess that's a good enough way to put it. i started off with a dinner date (no - not a guy sort of 'date') and really it went a whole lot better than i expected. i got to know someone that i think i was supposed to talk to a long time ago. and all in all...i think we could become good friends. i did some more stuff like that dinner - generally following up with people and basically holding up my end of the deal. it's true - i can't control other people's response (or lack of response as it seems to be) but i can control my own actions - whether or not i make an effort. and i guess now i can say i've made that effort. unfortunately, today i think i realized that it all doesn't just stop there with one try - sometimes were asked to go back to people again. anyways - all in all i guess i kinda feel good about my efforts (mainly because i hadn't done it before) but now i'm exhausted - and i kinda feel hurt by some of the lack of response but...guess i could have seen that coming but it's easier to pretend to be 'shocked' than just disappointed. anyways - i don't know if anything i did this week really mattered or not...but i guess that's not the point.

i went home to wisconsin saturday afternoon and stayed until noon on sunday ('quick' trip). i think it was just enough too little of time for me to want to come back (maybe) and enough time for me to appease the parents and enjoy sleeping in my own room. although - there was a dog at our house this weekend. and that's definately weird because my dad is against having almost any kind of pet. but all of a sudden he's decided dog-sitting is ok. well, guess it's ok by me. it was nice to have someone who was 'objective' around the house j/k. my parents and i spent the day in madison and have a pretty good time. we didnt' do a whole lot...but we really didn't need to. i'm not sure why - but it was kind of an awkward experience for all of us. you could feel it - this weird tension that just never really let up. i went home with good intentions and (i think) a good attitude. but for some reason i let disappointed. i don't know what i was expecting to find at home...but whatever it was...i left without it. maybe i am expecting too much from my parents...or maybe i'm expecting something to happen without work on my part. hmmm...that could be it. or maybe i just get pissed that they can't seem to call me by the right name, or call the right phone number to reach mel (aka - not MINE), or stop talking about mel and what she needs...ok - just a little rant...i'm done now....

family is tough. i love them SO much...but i don't want them to know quite how much i care. i'm not saying that i don't want them to know that i love them at all - just not to the extent that i do. i don't know - maybe i shouldn't get into this subject. that's not really what's most pressing on me today anyways.

today i don't know what my problem is...well - i guess one problem is that i'm exhausted. i'm tired of not being able to sleep right...tired of not being able to turn my brain off or to control the crazy dreams that pop into my head. i mean - i feel stupid for letting them get to me. afterall - i know it's not real. tired of having to struggle thru talking to my mom - who now calls or contacts me in some way on a daily basis to tell me that my potential plans for the future are wrong and what i really should do with my life - that psychology isn't a real decent job field. i want to know that my life means something. i want to know i have a purpose. people talk about being 'gifted' and it's a hard subject for me to handle hearing. people can tell you they think you're gifted but that's scary on so many levels. i can hardly wrap my mind around it sometimes. but even in those times where i can buy that - that God maybe has gifted me in some way - i can't see it...i don't know what that'd be...i don't even know what i'm good at muchless what purpose my life could have - grrr...frustrating.

also - people are just getting to me today. i'd like to make a t-shirt that says something about not asking me how i am unless 1. you want to know 2. you're not going to walk away when i'm mid-sentence 3. you're not really trying to change the subject to yourself 4. you're not going to make fun of the things that i'm concerned about 5. unless you've already spent the better part of each day i see you making fun of every little thing i do. ok...maybe that last part has something more to do than just people in general. but it was just another one of those days where i'm already in a kind of un-stable self-esteem mood and people just decide today just happens to be the day to make you feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

i don't know - i went home feeling real crappy...and lonely...and just generally sad. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just can't seem to pull myself out of it today. ...i was just so filled with anxiety i was kinda shaking and really could have busted out crying for no real reason at all -- sitting at work trying to decide what i was going to do after leaving.... narrowed it down to two options - 1. going home and hiding under the covers til morning or 2. going home and hiding under the covers til morning. tough choice! anyways - i know being in bed is boring enough all night long muchless adding on 5-7 hours...so i didn't go that way...but i still wanted to hide - from what i'm not sure. maybe life, maybe people, maybe myself - probably all of the above. i don't know - i'm tired of being me ( i know i've said that before but it's just as true today). tired of being made VERY aware of my faults and living my stressful, confused, many times anxiety-filled life. there's gotta be more than this. i've tired of worrying about anything and everything. it's not getting me anywhere. and i'm tired of being sad for no aparent reason...ugh - i'll stop complaining...

tomorrow's gotta be a better day - right??
-jc