1, 2, 3 tonight....

This has the potential of being real random and not really making much sense to anyone – not even me…but I guess I shouldn’t really worry about that too much huh??

Speaking of not worrying about what I’m saying – I’ve made an executive decision…sometimes we start blogs like this and are ok with everyone reading them…and then inevitably drama happens and being open and honest about thoughts or feelings about life becomes difficult. Welp, last time I wrote on here I ended up with an email from a frustrated reader. I thought about things like changing the web address or censoring the topics I chose to write about…and while I will try and make sure I stay appropriate while discussing the past (specifically in regards to this person) I’m not sure I need to totally ‘censor’ everything I say…I wouldn’t expect this person to do that either. Anyways – the stuff I write on here is just what’s in my head or on my heart…and sometimes they are things I need to process or ‘get out of me’ and I do it on here…so…though I ask for comments and enjoy getting them – “to whom it may concern” – I’m going to be honest about what I’m feeling…and I don’t mean to upset or offend you (I’ll stop now – if you really want to talk about it more I guess email it or something).

Moving on…there is a ton to talk about…especially about Arkansas….but I don’t think I can go there tonight so I’m going to leave my interview in AR out of it for now…maybe there’ll be another post about that later…but a couple topics tonight (man – I’ve gotta hurry up so I can get to bed!!)

1. Independence, Self-Sufficiency, Need, Weakness…etc….
So, an issue has been raised – difficulty allowing myself to be seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ and sort of making a commitment to be tough and do things without God’s help…whoa…that’s a lot. Anyways – when it was brought up I really couldn’t disagree with it…I think it’s pretty obvious when you look at my attitudes and how I live even day to day. However, as a person that always thinks about things way more than necessary and wants to take time to process every little detail of things…I wrote a little about it today…here are some thoughts….in no particular order….

- Crying - I go back and forth between hating not being able to cry at ‘appropriate times’ and feeling like I cry too much – after all, ‘only babies cry.’ I used to think ANY sort of emotion (be it joy or despair) was inappropriate to let anyone see. Welp, this past week I’ve cried a lot – at least 6or7 times – after that I stopped keeping track…o man…could that be any more ironic??

- Self-sufficiency – I don’t know why I struggle and strive for self-sufficiency. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like God’s proven his trustworthiness – yeah – I know how stupid that sounds…me thinking that I can just expect God to prove himself to me…but that’s kinda how I feel sometimes. At the same time, I know that I’m no better than those other people I feel have let me down. I probably can’t trust myself anymore than them – but I’m more likely to bet on myself than anyone else – ok – so…bad idea….

- Weakness – it’s not just like a desire to be ‘seen’ strong by other people…I’m that and so much more – it’s associated with all this fear – fear of being hurt or embarrassed…stuff like that. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of losing or finding myself…both options seem equally scary. I think this issue with ‘weakness’ also has to do with how I view men and women. This summer at New Song…a couple prayed for me and mentioned something about being mad at God that he created me as a women…I think I’m seeing that more and more true. Not sure why – but yeah, I associate anything ‘feminine’ with being weak. This is probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time dressing up or wanting to look ‘nice.’ It’s not all an issue with feeling ‘beautiful’ or worrying about being specifically ‘taken advantage of’…but maybe more of this general vulnerability. There’s an idea of – if you make yourself vulnerable and something bad happens then it was meant to be and you have no one to blame but yourself. I fear being in that situation. Hmm…so, maybe this all does kinda frustrate me…like I started off life with a disadvantage I’m always trying to compensate for. It’s weird because it’s not like I see my close female friends that way – I don’t see then as weak at all – but once I start to look at myself everything gets all out-of-whack…I don’t know.

- Praying about this sort of stuff – it’s weird…when issues are brought up to ‘consider’ praying about…my ‘usual’ fear is pretty much focused on being in front of people or being embarrassed…stuff like that…but with this…I’m scared. I don’t why this would feel like a bigger deal than other things I’ve prayed about…but it feels real heavy and scary. I mean, I’m not sure I understand what it would take to be able to be weak and vulnerable in front of people…much less God…and how to allow him to help me (though I know I really do want him to – I’m afraid to let him – by the way – I know that doesn’t make sense…..) anyways – I don’t know what that requires of me…sometimes in those ‘vulnerable’ situations I am just so anxious I feel like I could die…wow…I don’t know how to tackle this
- Wow, I’m not sure I can talk about this topic anymore tonight – weird stuff – moving on….

2.Prayer
- something I kinda heard in my head this week was “you don’t believe in prayer.” And I feel like it was a statement that I should have been able to immediately dismiss…but I couldn’t just let it go. I really started to think about it and had to genuinely ask myself – do you believe? And it just keeps getting more complicated…I know there was one point in time where I said ‘no’ (years ago) and sometimes I feel like I go back and forth…it’s funny because I’m usually a person that goes back and forth between extremes and sees things in their extremes…so I figure I should either believe strongly or not at all…not waver. But, it’s like it’s different depending on who I’m talking about. As far as other people go – I totally believe in praying for other people’s situations and am usually (though it’s probably hard to tell) confident and have faith that God’s going to work in the situation. When I think about praying for myself – then comes the doubt. It seems real stupid…because I know it can’t be this way – only for other people and not for me…but that’s how my thinking gets screwy….guess it’s just something to think about

3. Dreams
-question – maybe I should take a poll…so, the past 5 or so nights I’ve had this reoccurring dream. Some parts of it seem obvious to me their possible ‘meaning’ (though I suppose I could just be making it up)…but I just feel like it’s a little weird to feel like I “get it” (or at least ‘get’ some of it and that’s more than usual) and still have it come up night after night….any thoughts about this? It’d be weird to post it on here…so I won’t …but maybe I should get someone else’s opinion on it??? I don’t know…I go back and forth on what I think about dreams and whether or not they have meaning for me (especially since I tend to remember a lot)….so yeah…thoughts??

Ok – guess that’s all for now…though it’s probably ‘enough’ as well…more tomorrow I’m sure…ok – comment if you’ve got some (and I hope you do)….

-Jenn