my mystery...(abv. version)

wasn't really sure of what to say today- but i have a lot of time on my hands and feel driven to write. but somehow, it all gets mixed up in my head when i try to put it on paper - a lot of stuff i think i'm going to have to just sit and sort of tear out of me (yeah, probably not on here)- get it down on paper and out of my head where it just continues it's loop - playing over and over and over. so...i decided to play some music and see if anything seemed to specifically stand out - so this is what i've got for now.
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Great Big Mystery / Bethany Dillon (w/'strategic' hilighting...haha-sometimes i'm a nerd like that)
Air is dry, the sun is gone
When I breathe, I breate alone
Ten times a day I cry
Just to prove that I'm alive
Oh, that I'm alive

I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face

Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily
The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery

The fingers on my weathered brow
Are giving out and letting go
I need You now to take me in
I cannot fight alone again
Can't fight alone again

You are the mystery
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--- so true that i like to try to do everything on my own. sometimes i feel like even if i DID want to ask for help i wouldn't really know how to. all the questions like - what would i say? how would i explain? how do i get over the feeling of failure? (in not being able to do things myself) how is any of this ever going to be ok? - they all run around in my head unanswered - maybe they're the wrong questions to be asking...maybe the answer doesn't really matter. i don't know...but like the song said in the end - "i cannot fight alone again"...i mean, comeon, i know it's not working...but i keep going in my own stubborn way. whelp - something's gotta change...i'm exhausted and no where near where i want to be. though, i'm coming to believe i fight alone by my own choice and then just get upset when i fail - blaming God for not showing up. maybe more on that later - it's kinda messy. so...yeah. this is awkward...

-jc