New Thoughts - New Attitude

So, since my last post there has been a lot of changes, lots of ups and downs, a regular old life-sized rollercoaster – craziness. Yeah, I’m not going to go back into any of the topics I meant to touch on – I think they’re better left in the past. So, on to now J

Fairly random thoughts as always…two topics….

1. Love
Ok – so I think I’ve written about this topic before – but I’ll go back there again…why not. Well, it’s been brought to my attention, frequently, that my ideas about love, especially God’s love, are most of the time kinda off. And more recently, that I’m the one standing in the way of his love for me. The idea that he’s offering it and I won’t accept it. Sounds kinda ridiculous in one sense because I feel like one of my heart’s cries is – love me, know me, then love me anyways….if that makes any sense. I’ve gone around and around for years with the whole – God couldn’t love me because of this and this and this – sort of thing. But now, maybe I’m starting to see that I’m not God- and I don’t get to decide what he can or can’t do. Who am I to try to put rules on his love? I guess I could acknowledge his love for me and say – wow, I think that’s crazy…I wouldn’t do that if it were the other way around – but not dismiss it as “impossible” or “improbable.”

Anyways – so Sunday I had some sort of new “aha” moments. Here are some new thoughts: Maybe some things that are too good to be true are more real and present than I can handle acknowledging. I’ve said that God’s love for me is too good to be true – and that’s why I can’t accept it. Guess that’s probably impossible. “too good” implies that whatever I’m speaking about is to an extreme – making it bad…and I guess I believe that what God does is always good and right – so this whole ‘too good’ thing can’t be true. Maybe the ‘too good’ part is the point. Maybe it’s the fact this it is so good that should blow my mind and cause me to rejoice…not reject. Is it a choice to accept and rejoice? ..because my gut reaction seems to be rejection. Maybe it’s something that you have to choose until it becomes natural – maybe that’s growing into faith and trust…I don’t know.


2. “Risky Curiosity”
So, I’ve just started this book “Dangerous Wonder” (couple days and it’s seriously changing me already :) anyways – the second chapter is called “Risky Curiosity” – talking about how we perceived questions as a child verses now – how some people lose their desire to know because of new obstacles that come with adulthood. The book talks about 4 assumptions that get in the way.
#1. “Questions Can be Embarassing” – “According to this assumption, it’s embarrassing to admit you don’t know something. What is important is never to reveal your ignorance. Don’t admit you don’t know something because others may think less of you. Flannery O’Connor said, ‘mystery is the great embarrassment to the modern mind.’”
#2. “Questions Can Make People Uncomfortable” – “Questions can cause other people to question. Our doubts may resonate with other people’s doubts.”
#3. “Questions Can be Dangerous” – “If we ask too many questions, the resulting answers may cause us to have to change. We might become accountable for truth and have to act upon it.”
#4. “Questions Can be ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’” – “All of us have had the experience of asking a question, only to be told the question was inappropriate, irrelevant, or ‘wrong.’ ‘Wrong questions reveal a lack of faith, a refusal to believe, a rebellion, a carnal heart. There are unwritten rules.” (pgs 38-39)

Ok – some thoughts from yesterday’s journal: I DO remember a time of wonder/curiosity; a time where I not only felt free to question anything and everything (outside of a school setting), but I had this burning desire to know and be known. At times, with certain subjects, it was almost as if it were my job to question and gain as much insight into things as possible – a curious obsession of sorts – I guess. Really, I used to be fairly fearless in every area of life. I was the kid who wanted to take on the big challenges. I wanted to do and say whatever came up, overcome the impossible, test my limits and then do it again. Specifically, I remember wanting to be risky to try to “stay fearless.” What the heck happened to me? When did I decide failure as an option was a deal-breaker? I remember in Elementary/Middle School taking on kids that were bigger, tougher, and stronger than me (I’m not talking about fighting here – no worries)…but I had a strange confidence in myself, my parents, God – I believed that only thing that could let me down was myself and that was something that I could control (by never saying no to trying things). I think there was a time, and I don’t think it was this smug sort of this – but I just never thought about me failing – I just figured I’d always be able to work things out if I kept with them. Now, I realize, that’s setting yourself up to be disappointed – thinking that you won’t ever fail – but when I did fail during those times – it wasn’t earth-shattering or anything…I just went and tried again.

I don’t know – it was kinda a good plan as a kid – tackle everything and believe you’ll make it and something’s sure to turn out ok. And then maybe the real life sort of things hit – maybe that’s where things went messy. Things that were really out of my control – things I couldn’t just work harder at to fix. Family sickness and problems in school that were out of my control – I don’t know why all of a sudden I let these situations make me feel weak and worthless…but I did. How did I lose this confidence in myself, family, God? I don’t know – cause I know I had it at one time. I guess over the years I just chalked it up to being a kid and not knowing better. But right now I think – no, I crave to have that back. Kid or adult – I guess I think – it’s gotta be ok to have that sort of wreckless, naïve looking trust in God – right? I mean, it’s not like you’re having that sort of “blindness” with man – you’re giving control and putting trust in someone bigger than you – that should be alright – right??
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Oops – time’s kinda gotten away from me and it’s time to go baby sit at the church – I’ll have more thoughts later on – but enjoy for now…thoughts anyone??

Jenn