hopelessness, forgiveness, obedience...thoughts and such...

Ok – so I guess there are a couple different thoughts to tackle today...for some reason I think that my blog could be renamed ‘Confessions’ because I think the out-pouring of my heart, as of late, is more honest confession of conflict, confusion, and realization of my own wretchedness than about daily life’s ins and outs. I don’t know...maybe there’s a time for that too. Moving on...................

Deb Somerville preached yesterday and a quote she used for Purpose Driven Life really started to get me thinking..... Warren says:

“One problem long-term Christians have is that they forget how hopeless it felt to be without Christ.” (pg. 284)

Naturally I hear this and I ask myself – Have I forgotten the hopelessness of being without Christ? The answer that first came to me was not the simple one I was looking for. Instead, I thought to myself, you know...I’m not sure I even know what that “hopelessness” is like – thinking about my life-experience. Let me explain better.... I grew up in a Christian home. My grandfather was a pastor and my parents were always HEAVILY involved in church. My sister an I were at various church events at least 4 times a week. For the most part, our family was there more than the pastor’s (because of different committees and leadership positions my parents held) Anyways – that’s all to say...from my earliest memories (which are few...but there are some) I was told about Jesus and all the various Sunday School Bible stories...etc. There was never really a time that I can remember not knowing about Jesus. I’m not going to say that I understood everything (and still don’t)...but there was not a time that someone told me about the Gospel and it changed how I was living or what I thought to be true...stuff like that. I accepted Christ and was baptized at the age of 5.

So...these are my initial thoughts...I know that many times I have an apathy about Christ. Many times I recognize that sometimes it’s hard for me to remember/understand what life without Christ is like or what difference knowing him makes in my life. I hate that. I’m not saying that I should need to have the experience to change my attitude towards the whole deal...but many times my experiences are reference points...and I don’t feel like I have a reference point for this. This idea of hopelessness....I know many times I’ve felt all was lost and that there was no hope of redemption – and still struggle with this on and off...and all these time of ‘hopelessness’ (though ‘false’ as it may be) all were during times after I was baptized...how doe that work? People talk about the hopelessness before hearing the Gospel....what about us (I guess I’m assuming I’m not alone here...but maybe I’m wrong)...what about those of us who have felt utter despair and hopelessness who have grown up in the Church and accepted Christ at early ages?

But, as always, I have thoughts on the flip side of this as well. This whole topic leads into a later chapter’s discussion of you’re testimony/ life story. The first topic they suggest you discuss is life before/after Christ. And here I ran into the same problem – no real time period of technically not ‘knowing’ about Jesus. It’s here I start to look for a way I could make it a little more applicable to me. I guess maybe there’s a difference between my acceptance of Christ and the time that I really began to learn how and who He really is. Maybe the difference between believing in and knowing Him. I don’t know...if I look at it that way there’s quite a difference in the number of years. Accepting Christ at age 5 but not really ‘experiencing’ or being shown who He is until age 21. Maybe that’s my before-and-after picture???? I don’t know.

All of that’s to say....I hate that I have become apathetic. Actually, maybe I’ve always been that way. Can you make yourself appreciate something more because you know you should and you know in your head that that’s the appropriate attitude to have? Again it’s just this terrible separation of head and heart. Sometimes I think they’ll never come together. I fear my heart is becoming rigid again...I can’t feel. However, this time I don’t think it’s something that I chose. As far as I know...I didn’t make the decision not to feel...I just don’t right now. Is there something wrong with me?? Maybe...maybe not I guess. So...speaking of being unappreciative...here we come to the second topic...forgiveness....(fortunate/unfortunately another topic covered by Warren a couple weeks ago that I’ve thought about the past couple days) Warren says:

“You can’t have fellowship without forgiveness. God warns, ‘Never hold grudges,” because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Because we’re imperfect, sinful people, we inevitable hurt each other when we’re together for a long enough time. sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship. The Bible says, ‘You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.’ God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” (pg. 142)

Forgiveness – the topic I desire to be moved to – to forgive because I know it’s a sin not to and not just because I don’t want to look like a bad person or just say “I forgive you” so I don’t have to talk to the person that hurt me anymore. Most of the time I think – unforgiveness doesn’t affect me it affects that person that hurt me. And if it was “ok” for them to hurt me than I’m going to use anything I can to try to hurt them back....wanting them to feel something like I do – especially if I’m not over what happened. How prideful...how sick....how wrong. So, I spend last week pretty much laying down all day. I was “sick” (really who knows) and head and neck pain kept me down for the most part. I have a LOT of time alone - a lot of time to think. A lot of time for God to bring issues to mind that need to be dealt with. In some ways it was really good...there was no way for me to busy myself too much to hear him and be convicted of sin. No real way to ignore or to make my environment too loud to listen (I couldn’t handle loud noises – barely turning the tv loud enough to make out most of the words). All that is to say...there were two topics that I can’t ignore anymore. And one of them is unforgiveness.

Sure, this has been brought up to me before...but I was too angry and bitter to receive the counsel. I didn’t totally know that though...I wanted to be able to be soft hearted and hear correction...but I couldn’t....and I didn’t take steps to get there either. And now here I am...many times and angry and selfish person -angry about what people have “gotten away with” and bitter that the pain is lasting (so far). This brings me back to angry times – times I hate to look bad on because I’m ashamed of who I was and what I let myself do to people out of my hurt and frustration. I don’t want to reach that point again. Ok – I think I’m drifting a bit...back to topic.

Thinking about the story of the man who owed an un-repayable amount and was forgiven the debt...just to turn around and refuse to show mercy to another man who owed him much less - - that’s me. So about this part of the above quote: “God’s mercy to us is the motivation for showing mercy to others. Remember, you will never be asked to forgive someone else more than God has already forgiven you.” I was in an incredible amount of debt and Jesus came anyways. One of the things that always pops into my head is ‘I can’t forgive that person...they don’t even think what they did was wrong....’ --This week I remembered....Jesus came and died before I was born. He knew what I was capable of and how I would sin...and 1. He died ...anyways 2. He let me be born....anyways 3. He forgave me before I even knew that I had ever done anything wrong. I’ve never died for anyone...and I think it would be hard to consider paying that price for someone you knew would hurt you in the future. I guess sometime I think...well...I’m not as bad as those Jews who crucified him - - and then I remember....my sin put him there. I didn’t have to physically be the one pounding the nails into his hands and feet to be causing his death.

I guess it just hit me yesterday – people often say that Jesus endured all the different hardships we face on earth. And for some reason that’s always been hard for me to fully accept. I started to think yesterday that some of it has to do with him being a man. I almost think “come on...you were a man...you didn’t have people take advantage of you or abuse you...etc......so how do you know what it’s like to be me. How do you know what it is to forgive people after they do ‘these’ kinds of things to you” - but when you really look at it...he was taken advantage of (and I take him for granted on pretty much a daily basis), he was abused – beaten and killed in a horribly painful way...and he was innocent (when things happened to me I was anything but innocent) and my sin put him in that position of abuse. So yes – though I can not fully understand it yet....his life was not easy and he had trials like all of us. He was hurt and he forgave....he didn’t become bitter and angry like I have – wishing trouble for some people.

So – there really is no good reason for me to refuse to forgive someone. My hardships are no greater than anyone else and I’m sure most are worse off that I am. Who do I think I am that I can just choose who is ‘good enough’ to receive my forgiveness and who should suffer instead. I am no one – as far as that answer goes. And every time my heart says my forgiveness is worth more or that I have the right to withhold it...I guess it’s like telling God His son’s death means little to me...that I’m worth more. That’s wrong and I can only imagine how much that has to hurt him. When it’s put bluntly like that...it’s not something I’d agree with....but I know I do it anyways. I know his sacrifice wasn’t ‘nothing’...it was everything. None of us were/are worthy of his forgiveness...and that’s why it’s a gift. I am not the judge of my fellow man and I need to stop acting like it. When I become bitter and angry over hurt that has been caused to me...that’s my fault...not the fault of the other individual.

All that is to say....God said “forgive one another” and I have said right back “no, not until....” – but really that’s just the fancy way of saying “no. you can’t make me. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.” But I try to ignore the fact that that’s what my actions – or rather – inaction...is really saying. I am rebellious and I know it. Most of the time I admit I’ve like it. Like a game it’s exciting and dangerous and gives a feeling of power. But this week I realized it’s really throwing God’s mercy, grace, and perfect plan for your life back in his face and saying – “I’m glad I’m saved from hell...but know I’ll take it from here. Now that I don’t have to worry about that...I don’t need you anymore...and more than that...I don’t want you.”

Have you ever given someone a gift that took you a long time to find or make or cost a lot – but you sacrificed something because you knew it was something that would really help them or make them happy – only to be disappointed by their reaction upon receiving the gift. I think that’s what I’ve done with God. I know my ways aren’t perfect like his and even though I’d like to think that my way of ‘protecting’ myself is the right way...I know it’s stupid and childish. I don’t want to live this way anymore...not just because it doesn’t work and I end up worse of than I started (although...that does suck). I don’t want to be ungrateful and stubborn just for the sake of being difficult. I want to change – act when I’m told to do something and trust him with my life. I don’t want to hurt him any more – don’t want to be difficult. I want him to use me but I know that I can’t be used unless I’m willing to give up the right to know or the right to understand. I’m glad he knows more than I do and I want to stop fighting him because he deserves my love, my life, and my will – not my attitude. I don’t want to be in control anymore – and as much as that scares me...It doesn’t scare me enough to care more about myself than doing what I’m supposed to do. Ok...one more quote (I know it’s dumb...but they’ve brought up good points...) page 314:

“How do you know when God is at the center of your life? When God’s at the center, you worship. When he’s not, you worry. Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sidelines.”

I don’t want to worry anymore – not just because worry and anxiety really ware on you and aren’t pleasant...but because I think I finally believe it: I don’t have to worry. I think sometimes worrying is a comfort...it means that you’re trying to fix something so it comes out in your favor (a.k.a. – control). But I don’t have to be in control to be safe huh? I mean – I know I’ve heard it hundreds of times...but I think I might actually believe it. No idea how I got to this point...but I guess it doesn’t mattered. So strange – the idea of not being in control being a safe thing – having someone else call the shots keeping you from harm....boggles my mind...but again...I think I ‘get’ it a little bit more.

So...where to go from here?? I don’t know. I guess now I need feedback...any thoughts??....wow...that seriously exhausted me. Is that sad?? Thinking too much tired me out?? Man – I’ve gotten get a life...o wait – this is life.....later

Jenn

o bebo...

wanted to update today...but really don't have a solid idea of what i'd say right now. there's been a lot on my mind but i'm not sure how to sort it out quite yet...i'll let you know if i ever do. but in the mean time - lately i've been on a big Bebo Norman kick....his latest album "Try" - o man...lots of good stuff here. i think i'm picking it up tonight so let me know if you want to borrow it...here are two songs that just really hit me hard this week....
jc

Drifting by Bebo Norman

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
Cause I am scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
lifted from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

Soldier
Remember the time when i thought of letting go
and taking back my hand
when all i could think was how long can i follow you
and where do i stand in this world

i lost my faith, my reason to believe
when i refused to see
oh Lord, you carried me

and just like a soldier
you battle for my soul
but more like a father
you come and take me home

what is the worth of a man living for himself
with a heart of his own
and every day goes in and out, still without a sign of life

but father wont you please give me more
when everything is closing in on me
i know you set me free the day you died for me
and how is this man who calls me by name
and covers himself with all of my shame
but not even death could make you surrender
i remember

questions....etc........

Well….here I am…stuck in the mailroom yet again (but at least I have a job...right?). I’m working on recruit mailings and it’s not going so well. The machine is supposed to fold and stuff the letters into envelopes – but right now it’s only doing about 5 before it has a paper-jam. It’s seriously ruining the envelopes we printed off and it’s making me frustrated. But still – I know that even at this ‘slow’ rate – it’s still making more progress than I ever would. Still wish it would work right so I could finally finish this deal…but o well – more time in here means more time to write I guess (except for having to fix the paper-jam every 30 seconds….ok …here goes.

I have a lot on my heart and mind right now. I don’t really know what to do with it all – so I figured maybe I’d just lay it all out on the table. Maybe then I can get a better perspective on it all. I’ll probably cover a number of random topics – but try to hang with me (or not – whatever you want to do – doesn’t matter to me). The past couple of weeks everything’s kinda been out of control (or rather – feeling like it’s out of my control – which is ultimately probably the real issue – but for now – I’ll wait on that one). Yesterday it seemed everything just came to a head – and then I’m in a crisis – a semi-silent or internal crisis – but a crisis to me none the less. Anyways – yesterday was a flood – a flood of doubts, fears, emotion….gross….here’s the deal…..

I’ve never actually had a time of sincere doubt relating to God/faith/etc…let me explain better – I’ve never come to a point of doubting God’s existence. I’ve doubted His promises, trustworthy-ness, stuff like that – but have never sincerely doubted His existence. Yesterday I did – and it scared me. Again I think I have some more explaining to do. There are a couple of different ways to come to this doubt (in my mind) – either out of anger/frustration or out of fear – yesterday it wasn’t so much that I was mad at God and just decided to say – forget you – I don’t believe you’re worth any of this – it was different. All of a sudden I reached a breaking point I didn’t even know I was headed for. Anyways – I have just really felt beaten up and pushed down lately…tons of nightmares, pictures, pain – stuff like that…yesterday I was just real sad when I woke up – sadness that is heavy – ever experienced that before? About the middle of my day I finally just got hit with all this fear. I had been finding so many questions that I had I could not answer and that frustrated me. At first I was kinda angry because I feel like some of my questions I’ve been asking for a long time – with no clear answer if any at all. When I ask other people about this stuff they say “well, just pray about it and ask the Lord to show you….” – and then I’m back to frustration – feeling like I have been asking and praying about this stuff for a while now…and…nothing. Anyways – back to the fear – all of a sudden I was just hit by doubt. These questions that I didn’t want to be considering or having at all….like….Maybe I wasn’t hearing anything and struggling because God really wasn’t there – maybe I’d been wrong for 17years. What if God doesn’t exist? It wasn’t that I was mad – all of a sudden I was just scared. All of these thoughts like – being afraid of being alone, hurting because you feel alone, and being confronted with the possibility that your “alone-ness” could be real….each of those are very different. I think I’m starting to talk in circles – but I’m going to try to fix that.

Anyways – my doubt of God’s existence changed. I mean, I started to realize that that probably wasn’t’ what I was afraid of. I think I was more afraid that he DID exist and that he had simply left me or rejected me. I know my attitude as of late has been horrible. There are things I want to be different but just can’t seem to change on my own. I’m angry and controlling, and prideful…and scared. And what if He just decided to give up on me? I don’t want to be separated from him – in one sense it would be easier to find out that he doesn’t exist that the he does and just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I about lost it- I was just overwhelmed by sadness. Hopeless. I just wanted to die – and not in that depressed suicidal my life sucks kinda way – but just the sickening feeling of hopeless loss – the idea of being separated from God (more because of my disobedience than His “possible” frustration and abandonment of me) just made me want to curl up and die. I had a lot of time to think last night and had sort of a scary prayer time. It was scary because I hadn’t prayed this way in years – I told God I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed or out of my apt in the morning – not knowing what to do – not wanting to live with things like they are. I don’t know – don’t get all worried and think I’m crazy or suicidal or anything like that (that’s all I’d need to add to this mess) well – I guess you can think I’m crazy – that’s ok – I’ve wondered about it a lot myself – just not the other part…but anyways…the thing is…this idea of possible separation – I know it’s gotta be my fault. I know there are things I need to pray about and issues that I need to let go of – but I don’t now how to. It’s not that I don’t want to do it – it’s that I don’t know how…and if I do have an idea about the technical ‘how’ – I’m afraid I’ve heard wrong. I want to question it all – and not move forward until I’m sure where to go from here (if that makes any sense).

My arrogance – ugh. I’m sick of it. I think of all I willfully withhold from God…areas I refuse to trust him in…action I delay because of doubt. All of this…it literally makes me sick to think of it. I owe so much…and if all of this is true…if God really hasn’t left me and continues to give me chance after chance – man am I horrible back to him. I know he deserves better than what I give him. There are times I know that my actions are probably hurting him and I don’t care because I’m hurting and just expect him to heal it all. I expect things that I don’t deserve…and even when I get them I’m not thankful. I’m an ungrateful child and I know that if he really is my father…that it hurts him. And now I don’t know what to do about it. I’m afraid to say anything about it – I’m afraid to try and fix the relationship. If God is who he says he is…if his promises are true (and I know he is and they are – in my head mainly – and some but not enough I my heart)…then I’ve hurt him and I’m ashamed of that…and in my head I can only imagine that he’d be real pissed off with me. He has every right to be. What if I confess and ask for forgiveness and he turns his back on me anyways? What if I’ve done too much to ever get the chance to be close to him? What if? It’s easier to continue to try and stay hard-hearted and pretend I don’t care about my actions…but I do. Is any of this making sense?

Someone said something the other day about falling in love with God…it makes me ask…is that possible? And with all I’ve done…could he ever fall in love with me? I guess I see my relationship with God thru the lens of my broken relationships with men. I think – if I allow myself to fall in love…with anyone…I’m allowing them the ability to hurt me. And then questions like – how do I fall in love with someone I’m not sure can stand me (God). I can hardly stand myself most days. And sometimes I just want to say – God – don’t love me…because I will hurt you and I don’t want to do that…but that’s how I am. Stupid as that probably sounds….it’s what I think a lot of times. Caring and softening my heart within the ‘relationship’ (though it seems really broken right now) causes me to care…care so deeply it hurts when I can’t find a way back or a way out of my self – my own sin. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m sure to most people I seem real defiant and angry and ungrateful and a lot of the time that’s very true…but not always. I don’t like being this way….but sometimes it feels safer to be angry and hard. I’m afraid I’ll fall apart if I soften.

And I’m afraid of the unknown. I guess this comes back to a discussion from earlier this week – me and the question ‘why’….. I seem to ask it more and more. It’s become less of an appropriately placed question and more of an obsession – sometimes I just ask like something that I just say all the time without really thinking about it – and other times it’s just this obsession to know things. Although – obsession is not necessarily a foreign topic to me….it was in my past and likes to come back and get me sometimes – and right now – I’m in one of those ‘sometimes’ (gotta love ocd) – one more thing to add to my list….moving on…..

Anyways – about the ‘why’ question…it’s been brought up to me over and over that I need to just trust. Trust and obey. Most of the time I’ll ask ‘why’ before I follow thru with something I’ve been asked to do. It’s not necessarily that I refuse to do it – I just want to know why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I guess on the other hand – I ask so I can judge for myself the ‘worth’ of what is being asked of me. I want to be able to understand the meaning behind it – it has to be logical. At the same time – I know that God doesn’t work in my world of logic and that it really shouldn’t matter if something makes sense to me or not. But I’m not there yet. The attitude of “just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it” – I want to want to have that attitude enough to do whatever it takes. Did you follow that? I almost couldn’t….but anyways….i want to trust God with what he’s doing. It’s weird to me that I struggle with it – because most of the time I’d agree with the fact that I don’t know what’s best for me. But maybe this is a dead topic – beaten into the ground…I don’t know. All that is to say – I get angry when people won’t answer my ‘why’ question – in my prideful heart I think – you owe me an explanation if you expect me to do ‘this’ or ‘that’ for you. But really – they don’t owe me anything – and neither does God. Sometimes it makes me sick to think that I would try to demand that from him. Ugh….

It’s funny – I read someone’s blog which talked about living in extremes. This also related to the questions I have. I am a person of extremes as well. I can never seem to find any middle ground in life, with people, with myself….i went from being afraid to question anything to asking too frequently, from feeling incompetent when I had a question to feeling stupid if I didn’t ask, from non-action because I didn’t have all the information to non-action because I doubt the information I have. All in all – neither is right or better – neither is getting me where I want to go. Extremes – all or nothing – and I think most of the time I live in the land of the ‘nothing.’ I don’t want to live here anymore…but the middle-ground seems like a pipedream…it can’t be possible. All or nothing is simple…and yet I’m sure it’s also restrictive and stops many good possibilities. Failure is usually my end point. I feel I’ve failed at my relationships with God, people, family…and I’m afraid it’s all over – no chance of a re-do or restoration. I don’t want to believe that’s true…I can’t let myself because it’s like a cop-out. Sometimes I think second-chances are for weak people that couldn’t do it right the first time – given to people others feel sorry for. That’s how I think (but when I give them to other people I don’t think that about them…) I don’t know…maybe I should end this blog…it’s really long and I’m not sure I’m making any forward motion any more. I have more to say I’m sure – but for now I’ll spare you more frustrating repetition. As always….thoughts?
jc

update...semi-under protest....but not really.....

ok...so contrary to popular opinnion...the reason i haven't updated until now is NOT that i haven't wanted to or haven't tried. i've actually tried to make myself do it a lot of times this past month. so now - asked to update numerous times and even given a topic...here goes nothing....

the topic: things i'm thankful for...(we'll see how this goes)

-thoughts on the topic first....i'll get to a list of things i'm thankful for at the end....i promise........

first of all...i'm not a huge fan of this topic at the moment. i mean - i know i probably should be and that frustrates me. i mean ...who is asked what they're thankful for and it makes them angry and they can't seem to think of anything?? i hate those kinds of people...and right now i AM one of those people...grrr. it's not that i think everything in my life right now is crap...i know that's not true...but i'm angry and don't want to be 'thankful' to anyone for the things that aren't messed up. does that make any sense? i can't believe that i'm even taking time to think this through (instead of just making up some sort of bs list). but seriously...i don't want to think about it too much because it makes me look bad. for real...being upset by the thought of coming up with a list of things i'm thankful for just makes me look like a jerk. although...i've heard that plenty of times before...and if i was really real with people and let them know how/what i thought sometimes...it'd be obvious....i am a jerk. and now that i think about it...(i realize something from this morning really fits here...) so i subscribe to this newsletter thru my email that's written by my favorite author and her husband...this is a quote from an email i got this morning that was just kind of a hit.... (and ironic because i just started "the purpose driven life" last night....)

"Have you ever had one of those moments when God places in your lap something you don't feel equipped or able to do? A few weeks ago, I was asked to begin teaching a Bible study for our "on-the-road" staff at Women of Faith. The first thought that came to mind was "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. So I pulled the book out during some free time to begin study (the last time I read the book was about a year ago) and I was immediately offended by the first words of the first chapter...." It's not about you." Oh boy - this is going to be a challenge. Maybe I shouldn't do the study. Maybe I shouldn't do THIS study. As I flipped pages, I "accidentally" went to page 173... "God's ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort but character development."

--hmmm...thought....being thankful for things does not just mean making a list of things that are fun and secure in your life at the moment? maybe? i don't know....grr...i hate that i get so hung up on this stuff. i mean - i know it's not good or true...but at some level i don't care enough to fight my own attitude. it's easier to just be angry with the way things are than to look for the way to get back on the right track. sometimes i get tired of things not going well and it's just easier to accept the idea that life doesn't have any potential of greatness. when life is crappy i don't want to be thankful for anything...because it doesn't seem to matter what i have been given if i feel overwhelmed with life in general. that's probably way off...huh? yeah - i know.

i guess i've really started to think about it in the area of music. now this is really not going to make me look very good....but i'll be real honest here. most of the time i like Christian music. all growing up we were never allowed to listen to anything other than ccm. i didn't get into other music until late high school/early college. anyways - so the past couple of days i was asked to watch what i listen to and limit it to christian music. i thought 'no big deal...whatever' and then i turned on the radio in my car and was just so angry. i am definately a person that listens to music for the words...i couldn't stand what i was hearing. i started to think things like "this is crap...how can you be saying these kind of things? do you live in the same world i do? how can you be living the christian life and be so joyful when i think - man, changing my lifestyle has not been what i'd consider a fun/joyous experience? would you still be singing these words if you were in the middle of a crisis? if so that's great...but i don't understand it at all." i mean for real...who thinks like that? what kind of a person is upset with people because they're too happy about life? i mean...it's not that i don't want to be happy....i'm just not at that place right now.... sometimes i just don't care and i just want to forget it all...

but don't get me wrong...i want to care. i want to know what it is to have joy when life's messed up or how to be thankful for things that hurt or break me. i don't know how to get there. and the journey to get to that place, though fairly unknown, is scary to me. what if i can't get there...what if i don't make it. i know that just staying in this angry place is not going to get me anywhere - muchless anywhere i'd want to go...but what if i fail? or what if it's not a real possibility? i don't what to set myself up to be disappointed. i know that's a risk i should be willing to take...and i want to be...i guess i want to know that i'm not going to end up alone on this. it's stupid but i want to be like...'God...i need to know that you're going to stick this out...i even started to wonder if you were here at all this morning and that scared me..because i've never had such a 'real' feeling of doubt. i want to trust you but i can't see where you've shown up in my past and i'm scared i won't feel you any more in the future. ' can you ask God to just be really 'real' to you? i don't know if that's an ok thing to ask. i feel like it's dumb but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not ok i guess. i don't know....i've been rambling for a while...i'd better get on with this.....

well...with that said and know feeling real great about things....about that list....ummmm......

Thankful for: (this may be real random)
1. Decent health of family (at least no one's in the hospital)
2. Sister here in G'ville - potential relationship
3. I have enough money to pay rent and eat this month
4. Work
5. I get to play soccer; ability to workout and stay busy
6. My own apt.
7. Friends that are willing to make me mad - willing to tell me the truth even when they know it'll upset me
8. A vehicle
9. Coffee - to keep me going
10. Getting at least enough sleep to be able to function

ta-da....an update....thoughts?
jenn

ok...photo update delayed....coming soon....i think....

It's 8am and I'm not in a truck...life is good.....right??

i was planning on sleeping-in today...i was so tired yesterday and was almost concerned that i might just sleep the day away today - but...no such luck. i've been awake for a while now...but at least i get to be awake at home and not half falling asleep at work. so, in honor of a day off...an update. although...it's gonna be a photo update because if i started to ramble on about all that's gone on in the past 2 weeks...i wouldn't get anything done today. plus, tova's coming in half and hour to hang out for a little while. i haven't seen her, except at her wedding a couple weeks ago, for a long time...hopefully she wants to go out to stores because i have a whole lot to get between now and tomorrow. speaking of which...for those of you who don't know...i'm off of work because i'm moving back to greenville tomorrow (although, i might have to put it off til friday morning...we'll see). and i have a TON of homework to get done along with packing...so the next couple days should be interesting...well...guess we'll see.

jenn

...won't you be my neighbor??? - maybe not...

Happy 4th of July! - - shoot...i'm a couple minutes late...oops....o well

ok...so quick post here because i've GOT to go to bed. i was trying to get to bed much earlier because i have to be up early for work tomorrow and it's going to be a long and tiring day anyways (wanna come play garbage-person with me for a day?? no??)....but for real...i just thought i'd give you a little fyi - ending your weekend with your neighbor calling the police on you for fireworks stuff is definately NOT a great way to bring things to a close on a holiday monday night...drama! don't get me wrong...i had an AMAZING weekend...SO good to be with friends :) well - i definately have a weekend update coming...but i just thought i'd shoot this one off while i try to settle enough to get some sleep... guess - happy mondayish tuesday - blah...the work week begins....
niters,
jenn

Random Ramblings - Probably Overdue....

- - ok…I’ll warn ya…this one’s gonna be a long one - - here goes - -

What a week. What a weekend…I am always glad for a time to rest and days that I don’t have to stay outside all day and melt in the heat. But sometimes, it gets to be Sunday and I long for the business of the weekdays to begin. It has been an emotional week for me – lots of ups and downs – and I felt the only appropriate way to finish this out and usher in the beginnings of a new week is right here; sitting outside Starbucks (or I guess I should say – the Starbucks/IHOP – yeah…only in WI)….with an iced Carmel Macchiato, my journal, good music, and a storm approaching in the distance. It’s starting to get real dark out and the wind is picking up. The temp has just dropped a good 10 degrees or more (ptl) and it’s sort of refreshing. I’m sitting here listening to music with the thunder echoing as a natural bass boost. We’re starting to get desperate for rain up here – and I too long to be drenched…to be soaked…I just feel so dry….

Well…this blog may end up being sort of random…but try to stay with me. I’m not even sure that this will all make sense to me in the end…but I just decided I’ll throw it all out there. Maybe then I’ll be able to take a better look at things and find some clarity. Who knows…here goes nothing….

So, today was a minor breaking point…not a huge deal…but not very fun either. I went to church and was just sort of sad. Every Sunday I go and I see people and I think to myself – “there is SO MUCH MORE for you. Would you just stop pretending that everything in your life is perfect?” I mean, Pastor Tom talks about being a church that wants to reach the community and wants to stay united; being a place where the body supports each of its members – but I want to know - how the heck do we expect to reach out to the new people or stay united if we can’t even be real with each other – people we know and supposedly love. Why do we have to be perfect? I mean, it’s no secret that none of us are perfect people. What about Royce? Royce and Tasha are new friends of mine – Royce is battling his 6th bout with brain cancer in the past 4 years – this time the surgery didn’t happen in time and tumors reached his spinal cord. They’re now having to inject chemo right into the spinal cord. He has good weeks and bad weeks – but many more rough ones than good right now. I mean, occasionally his name is mentioned in church…but he hasn’t been able to come to church in at least 6 weeks….why are we not going to pray for him? Why are we not trying to care for Tasha – she so great and supportive and she tries to be positive. She knew a little bit about when she was getting into when she married him – but they haven’t had a ton of time together as a couple where he hasn’t been sick…and she has stuck by his side. Why aren’t we taking time to stay with him so she can get out of the house. Last Friday night my friend Heather and I got together with Tasha and just had a movie night…so was so excited to get out with us she almost cried…I admire her so much. And why do the sick seem, at times, to have more faith than those of us who are supposed to be supporting them? Royce will tell anyone who comes to see him…he believes God’s going to do a miracle…because he’s had this cancer 5 times already and he’s still here. However, the doctors are getting together soon to decide whether or not to give up the fight medically. Royce needs a miracle and he is fully expecting one. But what about us as a church? Maybe the bigger miracle would be if the church came together in faith that a miracle was possible – faith that God still heals today.

Or what about Quinn? I went to elementary school with Quinn and just saw him for the first time in 10 years a couple weeks ago. His family goes to our church and his brother is over in Iraq. What about him? He’s been trying to figure out what to do with his life for the past year. He is a new Christian and doesn’t seem to know how to fit into the church. And we’re not helping. People are shy of talking to him because he has a couple tattoos. But he’s sweet – a good kid. Totally turned his life around and now is scared – seeing no real answers to his daily questions. Why isn’t some adult male coming along side of him – teaching him how to be a good Christian man – how to be a leader. Why aren’t we trying to help him find a job he can do and feel satisfaction in?

What about Emily and Nate? They have a little boy named Caleb. They both work long hours and Caleb spends most of his time at the babysitter’s house – has just started calling her ‘mommy’ – poor little one gets so confused. Emily is so hurt that her little one is starting to be comforted by other people than her. However, she has led a rough life and still has a lot of wounds. She is 28 – but real immature. She’s scared…and lonely….and feels guilty that she sometimes just wants to leave her husband and son to get away for a little while (not leave them forever – just “get away”). She doesn’t feel good enough and her husband isn’t very affirming – but he’s working LONG days trying to provide for his family. He’s so tired. Why aren’t we praying about the job they are so desperately praying for that would give them better hours and more family time? Why aren’t we helping them figure out how they’re going to afford college for Nate so he can get into a job he’ll love and be good at …not just one he’s roped into because they need money?

These are just a couple of examples…and I know there are more. Many times I see people at church and I just know how they’re hurting…is that weird? Well…all that’s to say….we, like most churches, are a church of hurting people….not bad people…hurting. We need to focus on one another and if we would just be a little open – we could meet someone else’s needs and end up getting our own needs met. I don’t know…I’m sorry…just a little rant. Maybe I care about these people a little more than I thought.

Anyways, I was a little upset when I got home. And then I overreacted to an email I got from a friend. Don’t get me wrong – I love hearing from this person…but I just got a little worked up. I felt like I was getting yelled at a little bit. That’s not what was going on…but I was being reminded of things I already know – or should know. Things about trusting God fully and exercising the authority I have in Christ. Sometimes it feels like my heart and heat have a bad connecting…like sometimes the wires short out and the things I know don’t reach my heart. And it’s not excuse but I’ve just been so worn out lately…I haven’t really felt like I had the energy to fight the lies (I mean, I know that’s a lie…I am NOT too tired…but it’s easy to think so). I’ve just gotten lazy and settled into the safe excuses – settled into feeling sorry for myself.

Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the tough and painful places…because it seems that reaching the joyful point will take too much effort or will be too painful a process. But…is it worth it? Probably. But this week…I’ve settled for a mediocre existence. I don’t want to be mediocre any more. More on this in a second.

This afternoon I called Maura and talked to her for a little while. Can I just say how much I love that girl…she’s great. I called her because I was real delinquent in returning and email I got from her –mainly because I didn’t know what to say – and decided to talk to her on the phone instead. We talked about fear and it got me thinking. Here’s where things will probably get a little more random…but I’m sorry…I just don’t know a good way to link them all together….but here goes…..thoughts:

- you can see some things you think about God thru what you fear. For example…fearing giving up control to God…is really the fear that God is one who would take advantage of me or hurt me. Maybe about future stuff it would be the fear that God would ask of me something he knows I can’t do – looking for me to fail. But the truth is, I don’t really think God is one who takes advantage of people, hurts people, or looks to make us look bad. I know that God is good.
- Or look at my reaction to how he works. I mean – I ask for healing and restoration…but I don’t know how to let him heal me…or how to let him comfort me. I get in my own way. Or, when things get rough or painful…I question how he chooses to deal with my stuff – I start to feel picked on. But the truth is, healing isn’t easy and most of the time, it hurts. But there is hope for a “sweet relief” – but I don’t allow myself to get that far. I get to the point where things are uncomfortable and either I stop trusting and take back control…or I get bitter and start to feel sorry for myself.
- Forgiveness – I am less forgiving and grace-giving to my family than anyone else. For my friends – I don’t hold grudges and long for restoration when a break in the relationship happens…but for my family it’s different. Actually, maybe it’s not just the fact that they are my family…the truth is, I expect that if I’m going to forgive someone they’ll forgive me for my short-comings as well. I will forgive if I’m forgiven. It’s horrible I know…I’m kinda ashamed to admit this…but it was clearly brought to my attention today when I was talking to Maura – it just popped in my head without warning *smack* - so…how does one get to a point where they can forgive those who won’t forgive them? How do I bless the people that tear me down in such a personal way? How do I let them be human?
- It’s hard for me to let myself be different. I mean, it’s hard enough with the people that won’t let me show them how I’ve changed my life around – but I also have trouble letting myself be different. I mean, I’m not talking about resisting temptation – I’m talking about how I see myself. My past is a good excuse for my present thoughts and feelings. I used to look at my life and try to figure out why I did the things I do or felt the way I used to feel…and at the time, it was because of my past – I could see how it all fit together. But now that I’ve changed my ‘actions’ and am not living in those sin issues…I still like to use the past as an excuse for letting Satan get to me – and excuse for questioning blatant lies that are just trying to drag me down. I don’t actually have those excuses anymore – they’re not legitimate – so…I need to let myself be different. There was a time last year where I was panicked because I didn’t know how to deal with things now that I was getting healthy and because I knew the truth about things. Isn’t that kinda sick? Trying so hard to make things right…and then not knowing how to live in a ‘healthy’ place? Man…what’s wrong with me?
- Just a few hours ago – we had our first SALT group meeting (student action leadership team) – it’s a discipleship/accountability group for some of the high school youth – training leaders. I’m one of the two girl ‘leaders’ and tonight was just a sort of introduction time. Greg Arneson is leading the group – I’ve known him my whole life and his parents were our bible study leaders up until this year (he calls me “Jenny” ALL THE TIME – haha…I don’t really mind it too much anymore – it’s kinda funny to me now). He decided to take over and give our youth pastor Jason a little bit of a break. O…side note – here’s a praise…is dad got a double lung transplant Moday – he’s been at the top of the transplant list for a year now. He has a long way to go but it’s a great start. Anyways – our topic for the next couple weeks is the beatitudes. They’re going to take them one at a time and study each one until everyone feels ready to move on. Anyways – a couple of things to think about from that time.
1. “Meekness” – is defined as handling pain and hardship with patience and without bitterness. Whoa – what a butt-kicker. Handling the rough times with patience…have to work on that one…but it’s not nearly as bad as the “without bitterness” part. I realized I blame God for a lot of things that go wrong in life. Bad things DO happen to good people and it’s not God “doing it to us.” It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the whole “God loves me extravagantly” deal – God is good no matter what happens. And me fearing that people I love are going to get hurt or fearing I’m going to be hurt if I give up control to God isn’t right. I get angry when I’m hurting – instead of running to God and letting him be my father – letting him comfort and take care of me. Lately I’ve just been desperate for him to make himself really real to me. At the same time – I’m a little afraid of what that’d be like. Anyways – notice a theme here? Fear – yeah….
2. Greg talked about having an “Attitude of Gratitude” I used to get SO annoyed by that phrase – my parents used it when I was little – usually calling me out on something I was complaining about – something I ‘should’ be thankful for but couldn’t see as a blessing at the time. That’s kinda like the beatitudes…reading the first parts of them – blessed are the meek, merciful, poor in spirit, persecuted…etc…doesn’t sounds like fun….doesn’t sound like something I’d like to sign up for. However, a lot of times we only read the first halves of those verses – we miss the second parts…we miss the promise of blessings to come. We miss the hope we can have.
- Finally, thoughts about moving back to Greenville. I am kinda excited for the year and kinda scared too. I don’t know what’s coming…but I know it’s going to be different than any year I’ve had there before. I’m a little afraid of how God may want me to get involved with people. I’m afraid of putting myself out there, wanting to love on people, and being rejected. And presently – I’m a little concerned about finding a place to live. I made a ton of calls yesterday and may have some decent possibilities. Also – job and how to pay for it – yeah – it’s a little messy. But here’s the thought that has run thru my head all day – “God did not lead me back to Greenville just to end up leaving me jobless and homeless – if that’s where he wants me to be he’s going to provide for me – and probably above and beyond what I can imagine right now. I’m trying to trust – but it’s hard - but it’ll be ok…right?
Well…guess that’s about all I got. I apologize for the length…but I guess it’s been a long time coming…any thoughts are welcome…bring’em on. I’m trying to trust, trying to be still…wait on God’s timing and his will…but sometimes I just feel sort of low and empty. It’s no excuse – but hopefully I’ll learn how to learn in those moments and not take steps back – not fear but cling even tighter to the truth I’ve come to learn. We will see….

Ok…I’m off to get things ready for tomorrow…tomorrow I’m back to the good old cubicle on 6 wheels…I think that’s going to be what I’m gonna call it from now on. Because even though I get to move in it…when you are going back and forth and back and forth to the same place all the time…it gets REAL boring and you feel sort of trapped. O well…. I am blessed to have a job.

Love,
Jenn

finally got a haircut - -what do you think?? 

so....define "Guy's Night Out"....

gotta love an unexpected drop-by and an invitation to get out and do somethin....


Matt and Kevin stopped over tuesday night to invite me over to the "guy's night" they were having - -haha...yeah...i don't really understand it either...but...i guess i'm grateful for any friends that want to hang out right now. so yeah - poker night with the guys...what could be better...right? :}