the answer...is NO...

i don't know what happen...

don't know what i did wrong...

all i know is Epic "decided to go a different direction"...no real explaination...

my parents think i didn't get it because i'm not a guy (they'd have to travel with me every other week - not that i think about it...i didn't actually meet a woman in the position i was applying for - could that really have happened?)

a lot of time and hard work...2 1/2 months down the drain...

i was SO sure...

and apparantly i was SO wrong...

right now i have no other options...and i'm going to have to go home to more "nothing"...

i don't know what to say...

...disappointed.

brew crew :)

off to a brewer's game in milwaukee!! the fam decided to make this the last full family thing to do before mel leaves for school. and....the brewers may ever WIN this game (i've never gone to a brewer's game where they've won) - but we don't really go to see them win anyways...the stadium's sweet...whole experience...fantastic...pics and stories to come :) GO BREW CREW!!

Spencer Lake Christian Camp

my girls from camp called me up a couple days ago and have decided they want to get together next week and hang out. i can't believe these are the same girls who i was sure hated me at the beginning of camp - what a blessing...i realized i hadn't posted about camp...so here's a quick summary...

i agreed to be a camp counselor for a week - at a camp i didn't know and for girls from a church other than my home church. i was real nervous about the whole deal...and when i got there...my greatest fears were confirmed (i thought). the girls told me that i had been given the worst cabin, that last year they made their counselor's time so bad she swore she'd never come back, and said, "if you're smart you won't fall asleep" - - YIKES!! i wanted to go home...was sure i'd never make it. the week ended up being AMAZING. by the second day we were all getting along really well, had gotten to know each other, and i even got to pray for them during the service time. crazy. they became some good friends and i was so blessed to be their counselor. by the end i figured out why (i think) God specifically put our group together. i know what it's like to be misunderstood and need a second chance - and also being afraid that God wouldn't want to risk giving another chance to someone who might mess it up. a couple of them had that fear and i was able to speak the same encouragement i felt God was giving me about that sort of stuff in my own life. i was talking to our youth pastor Jason about life and he said that he keeps thinking about a specific verse when we talk...i've never thought about a "life verse(s)" but he said he thinks i should consider these verses from 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

anyways - so many changes that week. tought outer shells broken thru, people who said not to expect them to participate because they'd be sleeping most of the day showing up and cheering and participating, girls who were/are very VERY different defending each other. God showed up and the time was SO good - and i'm blessed to be able to remember it today - even though it was weeks ago. a lot of times i forget the times when God showed up in a big way when i couldn't see good coming from a bad situation...but now it's written down and i'll be able to look back...here are pics of my cabin :)

the last day...sad to leave (but you'll notice...this time we're all smiling :)

(l to r - nicole, elise, heather, me, danyele, leighann, shannon)

LeighAnn and Danyele

Elise

Spencer Lake

Heather

Nicole

"the tattoo" - they saw me doodling in my journal...thought it was cool...and insisted i draw it (with a sharpe marker of course - i was sure i'd get in trouble...this is church camp!) on everyone's righ forearm so people would know who's cabin they were in :) what a compliment!!

paper airplane presentation

whelp - i don't have enough time to really tell you about the presentation - other to say that it went really well...i'll give more detail later...but here are some pics of the report i put together for each epic employee that attended the presentation. not too bad if i do say so myself - wish i had put that much effort in for some of my college work...o well...

cover

facts about flight, plane add-ons, and trouble-shooting (extra pages)

folding directions (pg1 of 2 - gotta love microsoft publisher - makes drawing SO much easier :)

fun paper for folding

the planes :)

interview...coming...quickly...YIKES!!

o man, i can't believe it...the 14th has finally arrived. 11 hours and i'll be in my final interview at epic (someone told me today that there's a chance they'll tell me if i get the job or not before i leave the deal...but no promises...) just like every other time i've had a presentation to give...i am up the night/morning of trying to get something together. i've got most of it - really i have all the non-important details like handouts and stuff...but really no clue what i'll be saying. hopefully i'll be working it out in my sleep?? ;) ok - off to sleep for a few...lots of cramming to do for tomorrow. wish me luck!

jenn

...

tonight i'm just having a tough time being me...

does that happen to everybody? does that even make any sense? (for once i don't even care if it does or doesn't)...

i've got to get back on track...i think i'm losing myself. this week i quit 'trying' (you know what i mean)...and it obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. something needs to happen quick before i don't care anymore.

p.s. - prayer request...tomorrow dad goes for the first part of his cancer re-check deal. recent health issues and some other changes in him make the appointment kinda a big deal...at least to my mom and i...so yeah...if you wanna keep him in mind that'd be good...

no title needed...

I don’t even know how to start this entry – but the story is just eating and eating at me and I need some way to get it all out of me. I’m sitting here in Starbucks (I wish I could live here...comfy couch, coffee, computer…what more could I ever want or need?) I’m plugged into tunes but as I look across the store I see a couple having coffee – the wife is in tears and I wonder what they’re deal is. I’m heartbroken for her…she looks how I feel…guess I’m not the only one struggling to deal with life right now. Hmm, why is it that the things that happen that matter most to you are the hardest to put down in words? Maybe it’s the idea that I’ll get started and fall apart in public…or maybe the fear that I’ll put it down and feel stupid about getting worked up over a “little deal” – I don’t know…

Here it is…

It all started off with the fact that I’ve really been feeling extra lonely lately. Last week everyone was gone working except for me, the was no word on the job hunt, and just in general I missed my gc friends. So, I decided to try again…seek out people to be with…try to strengthen some sort of loose friendships around here. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped…but one sort of “friend” I’ve had the past couple years (one of those I only talk to or see when I come home for a visit – so – we’re working on things…but she is still someone I’m kinda careful with what topics I bring up with her because I don’t totally trust her yet) well, we made plans to get together. She has a 4 month old baby and has been looking for some company too – perfect, I thought. I should also say that I’ve kinda felt like she’s been my only friend around here – the only one who I can talk to or hang out with…started to value her opinion and the fact that she’s usually pretty supportive. Well, it’s all come crashing down.

I went over to her house on Wednesday because she said she was going crazy with her relatives that were visiting and could use a friend to come over…and of course I wasn’t busy and actually looked forward to experiencing someone else’s crazy family deals. While I was there she told me that she “just wanted to let me know” (nothing good ever starts out with those words…) that people from church had been talking about me behind my back. Well, at first I thought – what do they have to talk about? …no one knows the “real” me there…I was confused. Then I remembered that the two ladies she was talking about had been my mother’s two sort of confidantes during the time I left home in high school. All of a sudden there was this sickening feeling in my stomach…I knew exactly what she was going to tell me they were talking about…and sure enough…I was right. Apparently, the three of them (one is my friend’s mother) had gotten together at her house and started talking about all the “what if…is true?” and “her mom said back then that…” sort of things about me. Now, there is a little background I should give to why I care so much about this. When I first started coming to my church, after moving back home, I was scared to death that people might talk about me, worried about what they thought about me, etc. People I talked to at school said stuff like, “ya know, it’s probably all in you’re head, they wouldn’t talk about you like that…” and now to hear that it’s true…that I have become a part of the rumor mill…really it hit me hard. I was so disappointed and hurt and angry. My friend said she told me about the whole deal because she thought I should have a ‘heads-up’ about it before these ladies approached me about it. I couldn’t believe there was a possibility that someone might back me into a corner about something that may or may not have happened FIVE YEARS AGO. Anyways…the story doesn’t end there….

I ended up going to youth group that night, because I’m a youth sponsor, and was just real upset about things…this added on to a tough week with the impossible to please family…I was overwhelmed. But, I tried to hide it and just do my thing…but the youth pastor’s wife, Stephanie, asked me what was going on. I was afraid to get into any sort of detail with her and just wanted to be left alone…but let it slip that I had found out about some church ladies talking about me and that it wasn’t a ‘big deal’ but it was disappointing. Well, she didn’t let it drop…she let Pastor Jason know about it and he wanted the whole scoop. He wanted me to stay after youth group and talk about it - mainly so if it ever came up he could defend me and put a stop to things. So, the three of us talked…but in order to understand why I was upset he was going to have to know about some of my ‘story.’ He had asked about hearing my story sometime a few weeks before…and it ended up once the questions started being asked and I got going a little bit about one thing…it all started to come out. I think they were a little shocked…they thought they knew me pretty well…it was tough and awkward and good all at the same time. I finally have someone here that knows my deal and says it doesn’t matter – we’re still ok. It’s crazy to think that now I have an ally that’s willing to stand with me if anyone brings up the past. I wish that were where things ended – feeling raw and vulnerable but things being ‘over’ - but no…

I ended up going back over to my “friend’s” house a couple days later – just to hang out and see the baby and stuff…but it didn’t turn out like that at all. Instead, I figured out the real reason this “friend” of mine had brought up the gossip – she was looking to find out if it was really true too. I never ended up giving her an answer…and it’s a good thing I didn’t…she ended up going into this speech about “grace” (the pastor has been talking about it lately). It all boiled down to the fact that she, and these other ladies, believe that “the church (meaning our church) hasn’t been tough enough on people – we’re talking about grace but we’re willing to give it out to anyone and that’s not right” she went on to say that people shouldn’t be given grace for things that they’ve done and have ‘known better’ – pretty much anyone who sins after becoming a Christian. She said that people aren’t told enough that they’re wretched sinners and we don’t make people feel bad enough about the persons they’ve been, that people shouldn’t be allowed to minister or lead in the church if they’ve had a rough past….and on and on. In the end – it was more about people questioning whether or not I should be allowed to work with the youth.

And now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just feel knocked down. Been trying so hard to hold on to truth about who I am (living with family is tough) and this week I kinda just fell apart – just all this doubt and frustration…I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ll never get away from my past…people won’t let me. Wondering if I really shouldn’t think that God could/would use me…etc….

Yep – so there ya have it…don’t know if they’ll really drag things out…hope not. I didn’t think I could go to church again…but I did yesterday and kinda made it ok…Jason and Steph said they have my back…but they left for a week and I sort of feel like I’m in ‘no-mans-land’ a little bit. I’ll make it I know…but I’m just sad and disappointed…broken...think I need to learn more about God’s grace…because it’s now REAL obvious that man’s grace is not going to be enough…can’t count on it…

*sigh

JC

crash...

i had so much that i wanted to tell you about the last month...i think it's going to be a while to i get to that. i've had the worst week of my summer and i'm just running low. the full story to come later - but i guess you could just say that i'm learning a whole lot about "grace" (or more the fact that God's grace and man's grace are SO different)...the fact that some people will never let you off the hook, that your "friends" can turn on you and you can suddenly feel they're strangers in a matter of seconds, that your past can still end up in the rumor mill 5 FREAKING YEARS after the fact...but as a result of trying to do damage control (SO tough to put your cards on the table) that just when you think you've lost it all...you can end up with an ally.

lonely and disappointed...but still here...

this song has been on the radio a lot and i like the words...so i decided to post it (cause i don't really have words of my own like this yet)...

He Will Carry Me \ Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

chorus

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

note-to-self: "skillz drop dramatically after 3 am"...

new rule - no playing, watching, or even thinking about poker after 11pm...

i totally thought it was about 1am...nope...i underestimated just a little bit... it's 445am (seriously, how do i have people to play against online...why aren't THEY in bed??)

...this is why i need a job...haha...

planned to get up early-ish and start on some "projects"....guess i'll be up in a few...update coming tomorrow - i promise...

(now the only question is...do i eat breakfast before i go to bed??)

have a great day!!

:)