no title needed...

I don’t even know how to start this entry – but the story is just eating and eating at me and I need some way to get it all out of me. I’m sitting here in Starbucks (I wish I could live here...comfy couch, coffee, computer…what more could I ever want or need?) I’m plugged into tunes but as I look across the store I see a couple having coffee – the wife is in tears and I wonder what they’re deal is. I’m heartbroken for her…she looks how I feel…guess I’m not the only one struggling to deal with life right now. Hmm, why is it that the things that happen that matter most to you are the hardest to put down in words? Maybe it’s the idea that I’ll get started and fall apart in public…or maybe the fear that I’ll put it down and feel stupid about getting worked up over a “little deal” – I don’t know…

Here it is…

It all started off with the fact that I’ve really been feeling extra lonely lately. Last week everyone was gone working except for me, the was no word on the job hunt, and just in general I missed my gc friends. So, I decided to try again…seek out people to be with…try to strengthen some sort of loose friendships around here. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped…but one sort of “friend” I’ve had the past couple years (one of those I only talk to or see when I come home for a visit – so – we’re working on things…but she is still someone I’m kinda careful with what topics I bring up with her because I don’t totally trust her yet) well, we made plans to get together. She has a 4 month old baby and has been looking for some company too – perfect, I thought. I should also say that I’ve kinda felt like she’s been my only friend around here – the only one who I can talk to or hang out with…started to value her opinion and the fact that she’s usually pretty supportive. Well, it’s all come crashing down.

I went over to her house on Wednesday because she said she was going crazy with her relatives that were visiting and could use a friend to come over…and of course I wasn’t busy and actually looked forward to experiencing someone else’s crazy family deals. While I was there she told me that she “just wanted to let me know” (nothing good ever starts out with those words…) that people from church had been talking about me behind my back. Well, at first I thought – what do they have to talk about? …no one knows the “real” me there…I was confused. Then I remembered that the two ladies she was talking about had been my mother’s two sort of confidantes during the time I left home in high school. All of a sudden there was this sickening feeling in my stomach…I knew exactly what she was going to tell me they were talking about…and sure enough…I was right. Apparently, the three of them (one is my friend’s mother) had gotten together at her house and started talking about all the “what if…is true?” and “her mom said back then that…” sort of things about me. Now, there is a little background I should give to why I care so much about this. When I first started coming to my church, after moving back home, I was scared to death that people might talk about me, worried about what they thought about me, etc. People I talked to at school said stuff like, “ya know, it’s probably all in you’re head, they wouldn’t talk about you like that…” and now to hear that it’s true…that I have become a part of the rumor mill…really it hit me hard. I was so disappointed and hurt and angry. My friend said she told me about the whole deal because she thought I should have a ‘heads-up’ about it before these ladies approached me about it. I couldn’t believe there was a possibility that someone might back me into a corner about something that may or may not have happened FIVE YEARS AGO. Anyways…the story doesn’t end there….

I ended up going to youth group that night, because I’m a youth sponsor, and was just real upset about things…this added on to a tough week with the impossible to please family…I was overwhelmed. But, I tried to hide it and just do my thing…but the youth pastor’s wife, Stephanie, asked me what was going on. I was afraid to get into any sort of detail with her and just wanted to be left alone…but let it slip that I had found out about some church ladies talking about me and that it wasn’t a ‘big deal’ but it was disappointing. Well, she didn’t let it drop…she let Pastor Jason know about it and he wanted the whole scoop. He wanted me to stay after youth group and talk about it - mainly so if it ever came up he could defend me and put a stop to things. So, the three of us talked…but in order to understand why I was upset he was going to have to know about some of my ‘story.’ He had asked about hearing my story sometime a few weeks before…and it ended up once the questions started being asked and I got going a little bit about one thing…it all started to come out. I think they were a little shocked…they thought they knew me pretty well…it was tough and awkward and good all at the same time. I finally have someone here that knows my deal and says it doesn’t matter – we’re still ok. It’s crazy to think that now I have an ally that’s willing to stand with me if anyone brings up the past. I wish that were where things ended – feeling raw and vulnerable but things being ‘over’ - but no…

I ended up going back over to my “friend’s” house a couple days later – just to hang out and see the baby and stuff…but it didn’t turn out like that at all. Instead, I figured out the real reason this “friend” of mine had brought up the gossip – she was looking to find out if it was really true too. I never ended up giving her an answer…and it’s a good thing I didn’t…she ended up going into this speech about “grace” (the pastor has been talking about it lately). It all boiled down to the fact that she, and these other ladies, believe that “the church (meaning our church) hasn’t been tough enough on people – we’re talking about grace but we’re willing to give it out to anyone and that’s not right” she went on to say that people shouldn’t be given grace for things that they’ve done and have ‘known better’ – pretty much anyone who sins after becoming a Christian. She said that people aren’t told enough that they’re wretched sinners and we don’t make people feel bad enough about the persons they’ve been, that people shouldn’t be allowed to minister or lead in the church if they’ve had a rough past….and on and on. In the end – it was more about people questioning whether or not I should be allowed to work with the youth.

And now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just feel knocked down. Been trying so hard to hold on to truth about who I am (living with family is tough) and this week I kinda just fell apart – just all this doubt and frustration…I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ll never get away from my past…people won’t let me. Wondering if I really shouldn’t think that God could/would use me…etc….

Yep – so there ya have it…don’t know if they’ll really drag things out…hope not. I didn’t think I could go to church again…but I did yesterday and kinda made it ok…Jason and Steph said they have my back…but they left for a week and I sort of feel like I’m in ‘no-mans-land’ a little bit. I’ll make it I know…but I’m just sad and disappointed…broken...think I need to learn more about God’s grace…because it’s now REAL obvious that man’s grace is not going to be enough…can’t count on it…

*sigh

JC