Whelp – it’s been a week and a half since I started my new job here in Greenville…in some ways things are going better and in other ways I feel more lost than ever. I’m starting to get used to being a part of a new family. It was REAL strange at first because I felt like I was almost invading their space (I didn’t know them before I moved in). but now, I guess I’m getting more comfortable sharing space, food, stuff like that. I’m still a little awkward when it comes to evenings. I’m never sure how to act when they come home and take over. On one hand, I’d love to leave right away and go into town to find friends. On the other hand, I don’t want to insult them and disappear every time I’m “off duty”…I also don’t know how to act when I stick around and hang out with them for the evening…it’ll get better I’m sure.

Anyways – personally… I’m feeling pretty lost. The summer was SO long and being without a job really took a toll on me (and I let things slide). Everything just got sort of messy, I made compromises …pretty much I feel like I took some steps backwards…and I hate that. Sometimes I think ‘what the heck is wrong with me? Why do I do these things I don’t want to do?’ I mean, I used to have some major self control…over to the extreme end. I didn’t have any problems not feeling what I didn’t want to feel, not letting anyone bother me, not doing anything I didn’t want to …I don’t know…sometimes I wonder how I jumped from one extreme to the other…and which one is worse?

Well, all I now is that things need to change. I feel like I’m in a hole again…and I’m not sure where to start to get myself out of it. Though, I was reminded the other day that you can only worry about the ‘right now’ and try to get it right…instead of worrying about how many time I will or won’t have messed up from now to whenever.

I guess I figured out one place to start is working on how I spend my “time off.” I need to find ways during my week to get recharged…or at least keep myself out of trouble. I started yesterday by calling a mom I knew (I used to baby sit for a small group on weds. Mornings) and asked about joining the small group she is involved in. She told me I could come and drop Isaac off at the nursery and catch a ride with one of the moms. Now, I thought it was specifically a “mom” group…but I guess it’s a women’s group that happens to be made up of moms…but they said I’m going thru the same sort of challenges as a nanny and that they’d love to have a new perspective. So, it’s final…I’m going to be a part of their group. It’s helps to have some adult women to talk to, to ask questions, and Isaac loves getting to play with his friends in the nursery…works out for everyone (plus, if he’s good, we get to go to McDonalds with the other moms :) I’m also working on maybe spending some more time with people from church…but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask people for time yet…baby steps…