it's over...oops...

i'm feelin pretty stupid...

guess there's a chance things went alright and i don't have a good measure of things...but i think i might have blown it too...i'm frustrated...more detail later :(

jc

uhh oh...

ahhhhh....
10 mins till the interview...and all of a sudden i can think of all these reasons why this would be a great job to have...even up to this morning i wasn't even sure i wanted it...and now it's more like i think it's a "gotta have"....o man, now i'm nervous. glad it's a phone thing and not an inperson thing...i wouldn't be good for it today...

wow. ok - i'll update afterwards...i'd better run quick to the bathroom (without fail the last place i had 3 phone interviews for...they seemed to ONLY call when i was in there...ugh)...

7 mins now...yikes!

jenn

still awake and not thrilled about it...haha...

three things on my mind tonight...
1. phone interview for epic in 14 hours...not really "prepared" yet and sorta nervous...
2. calling back for more info about g'ville job mentioned last post. still not sure if that's ok, but at least then i'll be better informed...
3. have to decide between making my parents upset (who i'm already having some rough times with - ugh) and chose to serve a sort of "friend" that's in kinda a tough spot (and i'm available to help out) or refuse and pretend like nothing's happening to appease the parental units so i don't have to hear about it...i don't know...

i'm exhausted...but this is the second time being up...

--yep--still havin a little sleep issue... initially thought i'd just get on here and search on the internet fairly aimlessly until i bored myself to sleep...but now i'm hooked on a national geographic program on ww2 which you would think would put most people to sleep...but i'm fascinated...

weird...

i'm predicting a starbucks run tomorrow morning...maybe i can get some things together and straightened out then...

Pics From Lake Geneva...Day of Random-ness...

yay! monday is finally here...let the fun begin...

hats!

yep - they found some too :)

hahaha - so, they're a little inappropriate...but the fact that heather and reba are holding them up is what really makes it a funny pic...at least for me...

posing in the fountain...HOT! lol

finally, a pic with all of us...and the lake...doesn't it look refreshing?!

yay! kristina's here...(loungin at reba's)

:)

fun times...

feet!

thoughts on the previous list...

1&2 - skipping the long and boring fear and father's day comments - except to say i learned a couple things... 1. the suggestion that a certain someone in my family has gotten mel and i involved hanging out with someone because they "fill a void - doing things with us that dad isn't into" is wacked out. looking for someone to replace real family can be dangerous...guess i'm still a little upset about a situation i thought was over. figures. 2. sometimes doing something to "face a fear" is legit 'dangerous'...and sometimes it's just something to avoid a bigger fear. 3. you can't make someone care about their life. if they don't want to live or take care of themselves that's their choice...and trying to make threats or get them to do it "for you" just makes you feel crappy about yourself when they won't and you realize you're not enough to make them care.

3. on a happier note - last weekend i got a call saying some friends had made plans to come up to chicago for a wedding and stay the weekend up with one of our friends that lives in WI. they asked me if i wanted to come spend monday with them hanging out in Lake Geneva. seriously...is there any doubt how i responded?? i gave a good old "HECK YES I WANT TO"...haha...and couldn't wait. it's been real lonely around here...i've been making efforts to try to develop new relationships and stuff around here...but it's just been frustrating - nothing really workin out yet. haven't given up - but been super lonely...so to get the chance to hang out with a couple gc friends (annie, reba, heather)(muchless in WI :) ...i couldn't think of anything better!

so, we started off by meeting at starbucks down by the lake (starbucks...always a good way to start the day)...which led to taking goofy color pics around various signs, displays, and thru the nalgene bottles - which by the way maybe you look sort of like an alien. then, we were off to walk around and check out the various cute, randome, and odd shops around the docks. it was great...we pretty much just walked around being goofy, taking pics, trying not to spend any money, and just enjoying being in each other's presence :) around supper time we headed back to reba's house in trevor for dinner, icecream, and a movie...o, and kristina met us there (another one of my favorites!) so yeah - it was great...i stayed late and tried not to let the day end...but then it did...so sad...o, i'll post some of the pics from that day in a few mins.

4. i finally got a job interview!! next wed at 230 - first phone interview with a company called epic systems. they make computer software for hospitals, clinics, etc...so, a little outside of my career 'goals' but it could be interesting...

5. so, the army has been brought up again (by mom specifically - she talked to a guy about it). mainly thinking about the reserves. i'm sort of torn how to go about looking at it...or even if i should. some days i think about the army and wonder if i made a mistake not trying to get back in...not sure if i'm being stupid about it or if it's ok to consider it again...who knows...

6. a new job oportunity was brought to my attention...which initially should be a no-brainer (go for it)...but it's in greenville. i'm not sure if it's ok to consider going back. i admit, when i heard about it i was SO excited...the thought of getting to go back to friends, church, community...it made me feel like i could finally breathe again...it was like the idea of getting to go "home"...i don't know...is that ok? now, i know i've gotten the speech "jenn, it's time to leave greenville"...but i guess it's been a while and i'm having trouble remembering the reasons...like, was it just in general time to leave because i'm done with school and time to get a job? or something else? was i too 'comfortable'? in general am i supposed to see greenville as a no-go from now on? i don't know. it WOULD give me some experience i could put on a resume (vs. the computer job which really is stretching it as far as being applicable career experience)...i don't know...thoughts?

7. fighting - so much fighting yesterday...i spent most of the day in and out of the house just trying to get away from it...and then the issues sort of followed me. i tried to help by letting my mom talk it all out...let her vent. in the process she said something that maybe gave me some insight into why mom and i don't get along well. on the other side of things...i'm now considering that there is a BIG possibility that there IS such a things as being too honest...at least between parent and child. it all has to do with messed up priorities and her feeling worthless. that's really funny because i'm pretty sure most of us in this family struggle with feeling that way. we don't really show each other that we're worth anything, that we like each other, that we want each other around...everyone's perceptions about 'how things are' are so messed up, so different and conflicting, so false. i don't know...maybe here is not a place to share a secret...

maybe i'll just get on posting those pics...much happier topic...

jenn

ok, guess i'm a liar...just couldn't make myself update yesterday or today (mainly because i was spending all my time escaping the yelling - o yeah, fun times...)

maybe some notes for later will help me get things going when i finally get around to it...

coming soon ...
1. sometimes "facing fears" turns into stupidity
2. father's day
3. day in lake geneva with friends :)
4. interview with epic systems
5. army question
6. new job optty - real torn how to feel about it
7. fighting - insight

i know it's a bit of a list... but don't worry - i'll probably never get to all of it...

i know it's been a little bit since i posted anything substantial...but i'll give a better update tomorrow morning...lots to talk about - random as ever...

i want someone to be on my side...

*POP!*

that's the sound of life popping my "bubble"...things just aren't working out like i thought they might...frustrating....

tomorrow i think the plans going to involve getting up early-ish and sneaking off to the library (free wireless) to update better...home has this like heaviness, a fog that makes it hard to think and process and write....

till then...

jc

third post...like a third strike...

the night's going a little downhill....
"obsession"...it's kicking my butt...
time for bed - maybe a little escape and more "fight" tomorrow...
jc

"Cows on the Concourse" - only in WI...

so - this is crazy...and could probably take a lot of "wisconsin-ite"/northern teasing for this...but this stuff is FUNNY! here's the deal...there's this thing going on called "Cows on the Concourse." there are these ceramic cows all around capital square...dressed up in cool and ridiculous ways...they're going to be auctioned off to raise money for the united way or something like that. anyways - we had to take some pictures...wish i could have posted more of them...but these will do for now...enjoy.... :)

what? you don't recognize robin yount?? of the Moo-waukee brewers...

is she gonna fit??

yep, guess so...she's ready to get moo-ving...

told you she had horns! (unfortunately this pic also gives her a crown and a wand)...geez...

oops...haha

PUSH!!...PULL!!

tried to pretend we were sleeping on the cow like farm kids...but this cow was right outside a restraunt with a bunch of older rich people looking out the window and laughing...just couldn't hold it together...

half-and-half cow

??

ok - just TRY and tell me those weren't funny ;)

Capital/Monona Terrace

whelp - saturday was interesting. the family decided to go up to madison for an afternoon of shopping and enjoying the city. our usually fav food spot is around capital square...but they're in the middle of a move and sadly weren't open at their new location yet. so, we decided to try this place called brocach. dad and mel had checked it out one time after a teacher lobby deal at the capital last year (it's right across the street)...so we headed over. i have to admit..it WAS awkward to be going with the fam to a pub. it's an irish pub with a lot of authentic food and a lot to drink. the food was great (different...but great)...but dessert got "interesting." here's the deal...

(a note to put things in context...my parents are WAY against alcohol...gave it up years ago...don't even talk about it...) so, i took a phone call after dinner, assuming as usually we would skip dessert and head on out shortly. but, when i got back to the table, they were in the middle of ordering. we got two desserts to share...dad ordered this irish cream cake thing and mel ordered the sorbet (cabernet - yep - wine). i guess i sort of gave my parents a weird look - they weren't exactly paying attention to mel's ordering - and slowly they got the picture. the waitress brought the desserts and everyone dug in...it was then REAL obvious - gotta love that aftertaste

...it came out that mel thought it would be grape sorbet...she was wrong. i guess my parents didn't know much what to do...mom started making jokes and seriously started to hog the thing, dad made comments about mom and "how she gets" when she drinks, etc...what a mess. it was good...but the convos were getting ridiculous. you think that's weird..just wait.

so, after dinner we went for a "walk" around the concourse area: the capital, monona terrace (this building with great architecture, lookout points, and collections of Frank Lloyd Wright stuff... pics below)...and then...we found "them"...the cows (see next post :)

the pub - simple outside, beautiful inside...perfect

view of capital square from monona terrace

inner hallway

crazy cool flowers on the roof

view of lake 0ff monona terrace rooftop

good day...

new plan starting tomorrow...i'm going to try to write in the mornings...my brain is pretty much worthless by night time. but anyways...today started off a little crappy but with a little attitude adjustment and a little qt with dad...things got a whole lot better. i woke up this morning with a lot of questions...you know, those sort of unanswerable ones that you think about and go around and around with...and potentially driving yourself crazy and sending you rocking in some corner somewhere?

anyways, got up in a bad mood and frustrated. so, after some not so civil conversation with my sister and finding that my dad had fallen asleep AGAIN (frustrating...he could sleep all day...and sometimes does even though there are things to do)...i grabbed my ipod and set off for a walk. o man, lots to think about (and i had a lot to say on it but like i said before, my brain is mush right now...will try again tomorrow)...but i ended up in a little better mood - realizing a lot of my trouble here at home is my own fault - for not taking responsibility/action to change some things that i can (i know that might not make sense....later.....) but anyways... i came home and got ready for the day...and then went to find out what dad was up to. he was on the way out of the house and i asked to go with him...he said yes :) and even better...mel didn't want to come with us. don't get me wrong...i love my sister and doing stuff with her is fun...but i don't get the chance to do stuff alone with my day very often at all.

so yeah...exciting... we started off by going up to his school (on the way to ft.atkinson to get some supplies for dad's summer school class) - while in milton...he decided to give me this hour long tour. he took me all around the town...showing me the different places he and my mom lived when they were first married, told stories of "famous/imfamous" people, and other places with interesting 'facts.' it was kinda cool (thank you kristen markell - who told me the best times she's had with her mom were when she asked her about the past...about her life...etc...it worked today). then we went to get all the different supplies dad needed for class (starts on monday). he's teaching a class on origami (math nut :) and we went to this educational supply store that had all this crazy cool nerdy stuff - we played with a lot of "toys" and it was all in all pretty fun (yeah, we're nerds and it's fun to look at that stuff together because mom and mel usually get annoyed and don't really share our love of learning - or maybe it's more an obsession with certain topics...who knows). on our way home we stopped at his school again and picked up the rest of his origami books so he can study up and practice before monday. while there i found his "secret" stash of food in the closet (it's been in pretty much the same spot since i've been around - can always find candy and stuff there :) and we played around in the teachers lounge a little. we left - picking up some "souvenires (sp?)" aka - stuff from the lost and found....and headed home to try to share stories from all the craziness that was our day together...mom and mel didn't get it but it was fine.

then, dad decided to take us out to eat and we went to this great place on Lake Koshkenong for fish...the restraunt is on a golf course and there were WAY classy people there...we like to play along and pretend we fit in. so, after a night of good food and a "show" (and by "show" i mean listening to this really loud guy who sounded like John Candy - talk nonsense about anything and everything...never heard someone pretend to know so much about so much...or really...who knew so little about so much...it was ridiculous...so much that we didn't talk to each other we just listened to him and tried to conceal our laughter.

...finishing up with a little bickering and mom and dad going to bed early...mel and i left to end the night with mind numbing tv...good times....

so, i guess if you try hard you CAN actually "make" it a pretty ok day...

guess there IS hope for tomorrow being ok too....

jenn



Lake Koshkenong

the clubhouse...

stuck in my head tonight...and too tired to write anything with substance...

again...i think this attempt at posting is going to be a lost cause. i think of things all day long i want to write about...then don't get around to the blog until it's late and i'm tired and not really thinking as clearly. and here it's happened again. i guess i can give a few (sure a "few" will turn into a bunch) bullets on the day (from my head - incomplete thoughts - lots of questions)...

-i keep telling people life at home will probably get better once i get a job and into some sort of schedule/routine...and now i think...maybe i need to get myself into some sort of schedule even without a job (getting up by a certain time, having a to-do list of some sorts, really-anything to get up for in the morning)

-i've been seditary (sp?) for way too long. i played sand volleyball last night and could tell i'm outta shape. you'd never know by looking at me that i played college soccer 8 months ago - i'm really getting soft and heavy...yikes...stressin me out a bit...

-i don't know the different between "resting" and being lazy - i don't "rest" well anyways so i guess it doesn't really matter what the difference is...i feel pretty worthless right now...no purpose...

-why am i in Janesville right now? is there a reason (besides money)? does life get better as time goes on? will i ever get the guts to do something/go somewhere/follow thru with a dream? why am i so "soft" right now - and is there such a thing as "too soft"? (more on that later - i feel pretty wussy tonight)

-who am i? who do i want to be? (how do you even figure out the answer to those two) and after figuring that out - new question - will i make it there?

-why can't i just relax and see what happens? why do i have so many questions?

as you can see - a lot of inside head stuff today...maybe too much...i'm a little overwhelmed. nevermind...to bed i guess...
nite...
jenn

still here...

ok - so i didn't run away - go figure (decided to put it off for a little while :/ we'll take it day to day). anyways, i hadn't posted for a while and felt like i should. not sure i have a whole lot to say...at least tonight...there's a lot in my head but little that i feel like i can let go of from there - everything's mid-process. tonight i had my sort of first failed attempt at getting out and back with people. tried to hang out with a friend from high school that i've kinda kept in touch with here and there...it was real awkward and both of us left things kinda weird. i don't really know how to explain it, but for some reason it seemed we couldn't be ourselves around each other. i don't know why we were so guarded and why every sentence seemed like such a struggle...but maybe there's still hope for us...i don't know.

this friend and i went to the church baseball games tonight...hoping to catch up with who ever showed up. i ended up seeing another kinda former friend of mine...things were sorta high tension and awkward with us too...but tomorrow i'm going to hang out with her a little bit. i think it'll go alright but i'm a little worried. i think i need to just relax, be myself, and trust that who i am is ok and not something to be worried about. i also think there's a part of my "story" i should share with her - it could go either way...and i'm not sure why i'm supposed to get into things with this person...but i guess i'll pray about it more tonight and before i go tomorrow and just trust that if God wants me to do it then there's a good reason i'm just not aware of. i don't know...overall i'm disappointed with my day (except for applying to another job) feel like my attempts at anything and everything have ended up in failure. guess there's always tomorrow...man, i need a job...i can't take being home (at least physically staying at home with no purpose) much longer....sorry...no good update yet...maybe tomorrow i'll have something better to report.

o wait...there HAS been something good in recent days - once yesterday afternoon and this morning i got phone calls from two of my favorite people...and that made me smile :) *thanks*

jenn

and it starts...

whelp - i'm definately home...
fighting again...
i want to run away...
jc