still here...

ok - so i didn't run away - go figure (decided to put it off for a little while :/ we'll take it day to day). anyways, i hadn't posted for a while and felt like i should. not sure i have a whole lot to say...at least tonight...there's a lot in my head but little that i feel like i can let go of from there - everything's mid-process. tonight i had my sort of first failed attempt at getting out and back with people. tried to hang out with a friend from high school that i've kinda kept in touch with here and there...it was real awkward and both of us left things kinda weird. i don't really know how to explain it, but for some reason it seemed we couldn't be ourselves around each other. i don't know why we were so guarded and why every sentence seemed like such a struggle...but maybe there's still hope for us...i don't know.

this friend and i went to the church baseball games tonight...hoping to catch up with who ever showed up. i ended up seeing another kinda former friend of mine...things were sorta high tension and awkward with us too...but tomorrow i'm going to hang out with her a little bit. i think it'll go alright but i'm a little worried. i think i need to just relax, be myself, and trust that who i am is ok and not something to be worried about. i also think there's a part of my "story" i should share with her - it could go either way...and i'm not sure why i'm supposed to get into things with this person...but i guess i'll pray about it more tonight and before i go tomorrow and just trust that if God wants me to do it then there's a good reason i'm just not aware of. i don't know...overall i'm disappointed with my day (except for applying to another job) feel like my attempts at anything and everything have ended up in failure. guess there's always tomorrow...man, i need a job...i can't take being home (at least physically staying at home with no purpose) much longer....sorry...no good update yet...maybe tomorrow i'll have something better to report.

o wait...there HAS been something good in recent days - once yesterday afternoon and this morning i got phone calls from two of my favorite people...and that made me smile :) *thanks*

jenn