thoughts on the previous list...

1&2 - skipping the long and boring fear and father's day comments - except to say i learned a couple things... 1. the suggestion that a certain someone in my family has gotten mel and i involved hanging out with someone because they "fill a void - doing things with us that dad isn't into" is wacked out. looking for someone to replace real family can be dangerous...guess i'm still a little upset about a situation i thought was over. figures. 2. sometimes doing something to "face a fear" is legit 'dangerous'...and sometimes it's just something to avoid a bigger fear. 3. you can't make someone care about their life. if they don't want to live or take care of themselves that's their choice...and trying to make threats or get them to do it "for you" just makes you feel crappy about yourself when they won't and you realize you're not enough to make them care.

3. on a happier note - last weekend i got a call saying some friends had made plans to come up to chicago for a wedding and stay the weekend up with one of our friends that lives in WI. they asked me if i wanted to come spend monday with them hanging out in Lake Geneva. seriously...is there any doubt how i responded?? i gave a good old "HECK YES I WANT TO"...haha...and couldn't wait. it's been real lonely around here...i've been making efforts to try to develop new relationships and stuff around here...but it's just been frustrating - nothing really workin out yet. haven't given up - but been super lonely...so to get the chance to hang out with a couple gc friends (annie, reba, heather)(muchless in WI :) ...i couldn't think of anything better!

so, we started off by meeting at starbucks down by the lake (starbucks...always a good way to start the day)...which led to taking goofy color pics around various signs, displays, and thru the nalgene bottles - which by the way maybe you look sort of like an alien. then, we were off to walk around and check out the various cute, randome, and odd shops around the docks. it was great...we pretty much just walked around being goofy, taking pics, trying not to spend any money, and just enjoying being in each other's presence :) around supper time we headed back to reba's house in trevor for dinner, icecream, and a movie...o, and kristina met us there (another one of my favorites!) so yeah - it was great...i stayed late and tried not to let the day end...but then it did...so sad...o, i'll post some of the pics from that day in a few mins.

4. i finally got a job interview!! next wed at 230 - first phone interview with a company called epic systems. they make computer software for hospitals, clinics, etc...so, a little outside of my career 'goals' but it could be interesting...

5. so, the army has been brought up again (by mom specifically - she talked to a guy about it). mainly thinking about the reserves. i'm sort of torn how to go about looking at it...or even if i should. some days i think about the army and wonder if i made a mistake not trying to get back in...not sure if i'm being stupid about it or if it's ok to consider it again...who knows...

6. a new job oportunity was brought to my attention...which initially should be a no-brainer (go for it)...but it's in greenville. i'm not sure if it's ok to consider going back. i admit, when i heard about it i was SO excited...the thought of getting to go back to friends, church, community...it made me feel like i could finally breathe again...it was like the idea of getting to go "home"...i don't know...is that ok? now, i know i've gotten the speech "jenn, it's time to leave greenville"...but i guess it's been a while and i'm having trouble remembering the reasons...like, was it just in general time to leave because i'm done with school and time to get a job? or something else? was i too 'comfortable'? in general am i supposed to see greenville as a no-go from now on? i don't know. it WOULD give me some experience i could put on a resume (vs. the computer job which really is stretching it as far as being applicable career experience)...i don't know...thoughts?

7. fighting - so much fighting yesterday...i spent most of the day in and out of the house just trying to get away from it...and then the issues sort of followed me. i tried to help by letting my mom talk it all out...let her vent. in the process she said something that maybe gave me some insight into why mom and i don't get along well. on the other side of things...i'm now considering that there is a BIG possibility that there IS such a things as being too honest...at least between parent and child. it all has to do with messed up priorities and her feeling worthless. that's really funny because i'm pretty sure most of us in this family struggle with feeling that way. we don't really show each other that we're worth anything, that we like each other, that we want each other around...everyone's perceptions about 'how things are' are so messed up, so different and conflicting, so false. i don't know...maybe here is not a place to share a secret...

maybe i'll just get on posting those pics...much happier topic...

jenn