"the collection" - who knows what i'm gonna do with this stuff....
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, April 30, 2006
it's like drowning...
-so i think i've come to understand drowning victims a little better tonight....
...why they might fight the lifeguard
(though he's in the 'saving' business cause he can do it)
...and sometime seal their own disastrous fate
...because it's scary to give up control
(especially when you feel like you're dying)
...even when you know you need a savior
-many times i chose to fight and drown rather than give up - - and that's stupid (no good way to say it)
-and i'm tired of being stupid... (it costs too much)
-more to come later...'cause tonight i'm totally spent...
...why they might fight the lifeguard
(though he's in the 'saving' business cause he can do it)
...and sometime seal their own disastrous fate
...because it's scary to give up control
(especially when you feel like you're dying)
...even when you know you need a savior
-many times i chose to fight and drown rather than give up - - and that's stupid (no good way to say it)
-and i'm tired of being stupid... (it costs too much)
-more to come later...'cause tonight i'm totally spent...
jc
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
New Thoughts - New Attitude
So, since my last post there has been a lot of changes, lots of ups and downs, a regular old life-sized rollercoaster – craziness. Yeah, I’m not going to go back into any of the topics I meant to touch on – I think they’re better left in the past. So, on to now J
Fairly random thoughts as always…two topics….
1. Love
Ok – so I think I’ve written about this topic before – but I’ll go back there again…why not. Well, it’s been brought to my attention, frequently, that my ideas about love, especially God’s love, are most of the time kinda off. And more recently, that I’m the one standing in the way of his love for me. The idea that he’s offering it and I won’t accept it. Sounds kinda ridiculous in one sense because I feel like one of my heart’s cries is – love me, know me, then love me anyways….if that makes any sense. I’ve gone around and around for years with the whole – God couldn’t love me because of this and this and this – sort of thing. But now, maybe I’m starting to see that I’m not God- and I don’t get to decide what he can or can’t do. Who am I to try to put rules on his love? I guess I could acknowledge his love for me and say – wow, I think that’s crazy…I wouldn’t do that if it were the other way around – but not dismiss it as “impossible” or “improbable.”
Anyways – so Sunday I had some sort of new “aha” moments. Here are some new thoughts: Maybe some things that are too good to be true are more real and present than I can handle acknowledging. I’ve said that God’s love for me is too good to be true – and that’s why I can’t accept it. Guess that’s probably impossible. “too good” implies that whatever I’m speaking about is to an extreme – making it bad…and I guess I believe that what God does is always good and right – so this whole ‘too good’ thing can’t be true. Maybe the ‘too good’ part is the point. Maybe it’s the fact this it is so good that should blow my mind and cause me to rejoice…not reject. Is it a choice to accept and rejoice? ..because my gut reaction seems to be rejection. Maybe it’s something that you have to choose until it becomes natural – maybe that’s growing into faith and trust…I don’t know.
2. “Risky Curiosity”
So, I’ve just started this book “Dangerous Wonder” (couple days and it’s seriously changing me already :) anyways – the second chapter is called “Risky Curiosity” – talking about how we perceived questions as a child verses now – how some people lose their desire to know because of new obstacles that come with adulthood. The book talks about 4 assumptions that get in the way.
#1. “Questions Can be Embarassing” – “According to this assumption, it’s embarrassing to admit you don’t know something. What is important is never to reveal your ignorance. Don’t admit you don’t know something because others may think less of you. Flannery O’Connor said, ‘mystery is the great embarrassment to the modern mind.’”
#2. “Questions Can Make People Uncomfortable” – “Questions can cause other people to question. Our doubts may resonate with other people’s doubts.”
#3. “Questions Can be Dangerous” – “If we ask too many questions, the resulting answers may cause us to have to change. We might become accountable for truth and have to act upon it.”
#4. “Questions Can be ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’” – “All of us have had the experience of asking a question, only to be told the question was inappropriate, irrelevant, or ‘wrong.’ ‘Wrong questions reveal a lack of faith, a refusal to believe, a rebellion, a carnal heart. There are unwritten rules.” (pgs 38-39)
Ok – some thoughts from yesterday’s journal: I DO remember a time of wonder/curiosity; a time where I not only felt free to question anything and everything (outside of a school setting), but I had this burning desire to know and be known. At times, with certain subjects, it was almost as if it were my job to question and gain as much insight into things as possible – a curious obsession of sorts – I guess. Really, I used to be fairly fearless in every area of life. I was the kid who wanted to take on the big challenges. I wanted to do and say whatever came up, overcome the impossible, test my limits and then do it again. Specifically, I remember wanting to be risky to try to “stay fearless.” What the heck happened to me? When did I decide failure as an option was a deal-breaker? I remember in Elementary/Middle School taking on kids that were bigger, tougher, and stronger than me (I’m not talking about fighting here – no worries)…but I had a strange confidence in myself, my parents, God – I believed that only thing that could let me down was myself and that was something that I could control (by never saying no to trying things). I think there was a time, and I don’t think it was this smug sort of this – but I just never thought about me failing – I just figured I’d always be able to work things out if I kept with them. Now, I realize, that’s setting yourself up to be disappointed – thinking that you won’t ever fail – but when I did fail during those times – it wasn’t earth-shattering or anything…I just went and tried again.
I don’t know – it was kinda a good plan as a kid – tackle everything and believe you’ll make it and something’s sure to turn out ok. And then maybe the real life sort of things hit – maybe that’s where things went messy. Things that were really out of my control – things I couldn’t just work harder at to fix. Family sickness and problems in school that were out of my control – I don’t know why all of a sudden I let these situations make me feel weak and worthless…but I did. How did I lose this confidence in myself, family, God? I don’t know – cause I know I had it at one time. I guess over the years I just chalked it up to being a kid and not knowing better. But right now I think – no, I crave to have that back. Kid or adult – I guess I think – it’s gotta be ok to have that sort of wreckless, naïve looking trust in God – right? I mean, it’s not like you’re having that sort of “blindness” with man – you’re giving control and putting trust in someone bigger than you – that should be alright – right??
………………………
………………………
Oops – time’s kinda gotten away from me and it’s time to go baby sit at the church – I’ll have more thoughts later on – but enjoy for now…thoughts anyone??
Jenn
Fairly random thoughts as always…two topics….
1. Love
Ok – so I think I’ve written about this topic before – but I’ll go back there again…why not. Well, it’s been brought to my attention, frequently, that my ideas about love, especially God’s love, are most of the time kinda off. And more recently, that I’m the one standing in the way of his love for me. The idea that he’s offering it and I won’t accept it. Sounds kinda ridiculous in one sense because I feel like one of my heart’s cries is – love me, know me, then love me anyways….if that makes any sense. I’ve gone around and around for years with the whole – God couldn’t love me because of this and this and this – sort of thing. But now, maybe I’m starting to see that I’m not God- and I don’t get to decide what he can or can’t do. Who am I to try to put rules on his love? I guess I could acknowledge his love for me and say – wow, I think that’s crazy…I wouldn’t do that if it were the other way around – but not dismiss it as “impossible” or “improbable.”
Anyways – so Sunday I had some sort of new “aha” moments. Here are some new thoughts: Maybe some things that are too good to be true are more real and present than I can handle acknowledging. I’ve said that God’s love for me is too good to be true – and that’s why I can’t accept it. Guess that’s probably impossible. “too good” implies that whatever I’m speaking about is to an extreme – making it bad…and I guess I believe that what God does is always good and right – so this whole ‘too good’ thing can’t be true. Maybe the ‘too good’ part is the point. Maybe it’s the fact this it is so good that should blow my mind and cause me to rejoice…not reject. Is it a choice to accept and rejoice? ..because my gut reaction seems to be rejection. Maybe it’s something that you have to choose until it becomes natural – maybe that’s growing into faith and trust…I don’t know.
2. “Risky Curiosity”
So, I’ve just started this book “Dangerous Wonder” (couple days and it’s seriously changing me already :) anyways – the second chapter is called “Risky Curiosity” – talking about how we perceived questions as a child verses now – how some people lose their desire to know because of new obstacles that come with adulthood. The book talks about 4 assumptions that get in the way.
#1. “Questions Can be Embarassing” – “According to this assumption, it’s embarrassing to admit you don’t know something. What is important is never to reveal your ignorance. Don’t admit you don’t know something because others may think less of you. Flannery O’Connor said, ‘mystery is the great embarrassment to the modern mind.’”
#2. “Questions Can Make People Uncomfortable” – “Questions can cause other people to question. Our doubts may resonate with other people’s doubts.”
#3. “Questions Can be Dangerous” – “If we ask too many questions, the resulting answers may cause us to have to change. We might become accountable for truth and have to act upon it.”
#4. “Questions Can be ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’” – “All of us have had the experience of asking a question, only to be told the question was inappropriate, irrelevant, or ‘wrong.’ ‘Wrong questions reveal a lack of faith, a refusal to believe, a rebellion, a carnal heart. There are unwritten rules.” (pgs 38-39)
Ok – some thoughts from yesterday’s journal: I DO remember a time of wonder/curiosity; a time where I not only felt free to question anything and everything (outside of a school setting), but I had this burning desire to know and be known. At times, with certain subjects, it was almost as if it were my job to question and gain as much insight into things as possible – a curious obsession of sorts – I guess. Really, I used to be fairly fearless in every area of life. I was the kid who wanted to take on the big challenges. I wanted to do and say whatever came up, overcome the impossible, test my limits and then do it again. Specifically, I remember wanting to be risky to try to “stay fearless.” What the heck happened to me? When did I decide failure as an option was a deal-breaker? I remember in Elementary/Middle School taking on kids that were bigger, tougher, and stronger than me (I’m not talking about fighting here – no worries)…but I had a strange confidence in myself, my parents, God – I believed that only thing that could let me down was myself and that was something that I could control (by never saying no to trying things). I think there was a time, and I don’t think it was this smug sort of this – but I just never thought about me failing – I just figured I’d always be able to work things out if I kept with them. Now, I realize, that’s setting yourself up to be disappointed – thinking that you won’t ever fail – but when I did fail during those times – it wasn’t earth-shattering or anything…I just went and tried again.
I don’t know – it was kinda a good plan as a kid – tackle everything and believe you’ll make it and something’s sure to turn out ok. And then maybe the real life sort of things hit – maybe that’s where things went messy. Things that were really out of my control – things I couldn’t just work harder at to fix. Family sickness and problems in school that were out of my control – I don’t know why all of a sudden I let these situations make me feel weak and worthless…but I did. How did I lose this confidence in myself, family, God? I don’t know – cause I know I had it at one time. I guess over the years I just chalked it up to being a kid and not knowing better. But right now I think – no, I crave to have that back. Kid or adult – I guess I think – it’s gotta be ok to have that sort of wreckless, naïve looking trust in God – right? I mean, it’s not like you’re having that sort of “blindness” with man – you’re giving control and putting trust in someone bigger than you – that should be alright – right??
………………………
………………………
Oops – time’s kinda gotten away from me and it’s time to go baby sit at the church – I’ll have more thoughts later on – but enjoy for now…thoughts anyone??
Jenn
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
...smooth move.....
o man, so before i go - i have one last "funny" (to you and not yet to me) addition to my list to write about tomorrow....
--how i sat in my car infront of burritt (to get wireless internet) blogging and job-searching...only to finish and find out that my car was dead - i drained the battery and had to call the only person i knew who were in town for a jump - - grrrrr - - i'm sooooo embarassed!! - now how to tell them the real story of this situation when they get here....still got to figure that one out.....oiy!
jc
--how i sat in my car infront of burritt (to get wireless internet) blogging and job-searching...only to finish and find out that my car was dead - i drained the battery and had to call the only person i knew who were in town for a jump - - grrrrr - - i'm sooooo embarassed!! - now how to tell them the real story of this situation when they get here....still got to figure that one out.....oiy!
jc
notes-to-self.........
it's sad that it's only 9pm and i'm totally beat - too tired to write a 'real' post...so, notes-to-self for tomorrow (hopefully).
subjects: arkansas (pics), friday night 'date' with E.W. (yikes - just realized his initials spell ew...kinda like "gross"...oops...but seriously - he's the best date EVER!) :) (pics), storms and God's protection (refered to as "the bubble" - haha), Corrie Ten Boom and other recent sermons, "the great escape to g'ville" - yes, that's what today was..., the future, God.
--wow, looks like i've got a long way to go...guess we'll see....
jenn
subjects: arkansas (pics), friday night 'date' with E.W. (yikes - just realized his initials spell ew...kinda like "gross"...oops...but seriously - he's the best date EVER!) :) (pics), storms and God's protection (refered to as "the bubble" - haha), Corrie Ten Boom and other recent sermons, "the great escape to g'ville" - yes, that's what today was..., the future, God.
--wow, looks like i've got a long way to go...guess we'll see....
jenn
Friday, March 10, 2006
my mystery...(abv. version)
wasn't really sure of what to say today- but i have a lot of time on my hands and feel driven to write. but somehow, it all gets mixed up in my head when i try to put it on paper - a lot of stuff i think i'm going to have to just sit and sort of tear out of me (yeah, probably not on here)- get it down on paper and out of my head where it just continues it's loop - playing over and over and over. so...i decided to play some music and see if anything seemed to specifically stand out - so this is what i've got for now.
----------------------------------------------
Great Big Mystery / Bethany Dillon (w/'strategic' hilighting...haha-sometimes i'm a nerd like that)
Air is dry, the sun is gone
When I breathe, I breate alone
Ten times a day I cry
Just to prove that I'm alive
Oh, that I'm alive
I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face
Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily
The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery
The fingers on my weathered brow
Are giving out and letting go
I need You now to take me in
I cannot fight alone again
Can't fight alone again
You are the mystery
----------------------------------------------
--- so true that i like to try to do everything on my own. sometimes i feel like even if i DID want to ask for help i wouldn't really know how to. all the questions like - what would i say? how would i explain? how do i get over the feeling of failure? (in not being able to do things myself) how is any of this ever going to be ok? - they all run around in my head unanswered - maybe they're the wrong questions to be asking...maybe the answer doesn't really matter. i don't know...but like the song said in the end - "i cannot fight alone again"...i mean, comeon, i know it's not working...but i keep going in my own stubborn way. whelp - something's gotta change...i'm exhausted and no where near where i want to be. though, i'm coming to believe i fight alone by my own choice and then just get upset when i fail - blaming God for not showing up. maybe more on that later - it's kinda messy. so...yeah. this is awkward...
-jc
----------------------------------------------
Great Big Mystery / Bethany Dillon (w/'strategic' hilighting...haha-sometimes i'm a nerd like that)
Air is dry, the sun is gone
When I breathe, I breate alone
Ten times a day I cry
Just to prove that I'm alive
Oh, that I'm alive
I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face
Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily
The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery
The fingers on my weathered brow
Are giving out and letting go
I need You now to take me in
I cannot fight alone again
Can't fight alone again
You are the mystery
----------------------------------------------
--- so true that i like to try to do everything on my own. sometimes i feel like even if i DID want to ask for help i wouldn't really know how to. all the questions like - what would i say? how would i explain? how do i get over the feeling of failure? (in not being able to do things myself) how is any of this ever going to be ok? - they all run around in my head unanswered - maybe they're the wrong questions to be asking...maybe the answer doesn't really matter. i don't know...but like the song said in the end - "i cannot fight alone again"...i mean, comeon, i know it's not working...but i keep going in my own stubborn way. whelp - something's gotta change...i'm exhausted and no where near where i want to be. though, i'm coming to believe i fight alone by my own choice and then just get upset when i fail - blaming God for not showing up. maybe more on that later - it's kinda messy. so...yeah. this is awkward...
-jc
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
1, 2, 3 tonight....
This has the potential of being real random and not really making much sense to anyone – not even me…but I guess I shouldn’t really worry about that too much huh??
Speaking of not worrying about what I’m saying – I’ve made an executive decision…sometimes we start blogs like this and are ok with everyone reading them…and then inevitably drama happens and being open and honest about thoughts or feelings about life becomes difficult. Welp, last time I wrote on here I ended up with an email from a frustrated reader. I thought about things like changing the web address or censoring the topics I chose to write about…and while I will try and make sure I stay appropriate while discussing the past (specifically in regards to this person) I’m not sure I need to totally ‘censor’ everything I say…I wouldn’t expect this person to do that either. Anyways – the stuff I write on here is just what’s in my head or on my heart…and sometimes they are things I need to process or ‘get out of me’ and I do it on here…so…though I ask for comments and enjoy getting them – “to whom it may concern” – I’m going to be honest about what I’m feeling…and I don’t mean to upset or offend you (I’ll stop now – if you really want to talk about it more I guess email it or something).
Moving on…there is a ton to talk about…especially about Arkansas….but I don’t think I can go there tonight so I’m going to leave my interview in AR out of it for now…maybe there’ll be another post about that later…but a couple topics tonight (man – I’ve gotta hurry up so I can get to bed!!)
1. Independence, Self-Sufficiency, Need, Weakness…etc….
So, an issue has been raised – difficulty allowing myself to be seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ and sort of making a commitment to be tough and do things without God’s help…whoa…that’s a lot. Anyways – when it was brought up I really couldn’t disagree with it…I think it’s pretty obvious when you look at my attitudes and how I live even day to day. However, as a person that always thinks about things way more than necessary and wants to take time to process every little detail of things…I wrote a little about it today…here are some thoughts….in no particular order….
- Crying - I go back and forth between hating not being able to cry at ‘appropriate times’ and feeling like I cry too much – after all, ‘only babies cry.’ I used to think ANY sort of emotion (be it joy or despair) was inappropriate to let anyone see. Welp, this past week I’ve cried a lot – at least 6or7 times – after that I stopped keeping track…o man…could that be any more ironic??
- Self-sufficiency – I don’t know why I struggle and strive for self-sufficiency. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like God’s proven his trustworthiness – yeah – I know how stupid that sounds…me thinking that I can just expect God to prove himself to me…but that’s kinda how I feel sometimes. At the same time, I know that I’m no better than those other people I feel have let me down. I probably can’t trust myself anymore than them – but I’m more likely to bet on myself than anyone else – ok – so…bad idea….
- Weakness – it’s not just like a desire to be ‘seen’ strong by other people…I’m that and so much more – it’s associated with all this fear – fear of being hurt or embarrassed…stuff like that. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of losing or finding myself…both options seem equally scary. I think this issue with ‘weakness’ also has to do with how I view men and women. This summer at New Song…a couple prayed for me and mentioned something about being mad at God that he created me as a women…I think I’m seeing that more and more true. Not sure why – but yeah, I associate anything ‘feminine’ with being weak. This is probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time dressing up or wanting to look ‘nice.’ It’s not all an issue with feeling ‘beautiful’ or worrying about being specifically ‘taken advantage of’…but maybe more of this general vulnerability. There’s an idea of – if you make yourself vulnerable and something bad happens then it was meant to be and you have no one to blame but yourself. I fear being in that situation. Hmm…so, maybe this all does kinda frustrate me…like I started off life with a disadvantage I’m always trying to compensate for. It’s weird because it’s not like I see my close female friends that way – I don’t see then as weak at all – but once I start to look at myself everything gets all out-of-whack…I don’t know.
- Praying about this sort of stuff – it’s weird…when issues are brought up to ‘consider’ praying about…my ‘usual’ fear is pretty much focused on being in front of people or being embarrassed…stuff like that…but with this…I’m scared. I don’t why this would feel like a bigger deal than other things I’ve prayed about…but it feels real heavy and scary. I mean, I’m not sure I understand what it would take to be able to be weak and vulnerable in front of people…much less God…and how to allow him to help me (though I know I really do want him to – I’m afraid to let him – by the way – I know that doesn’t make sense…..) anyways – I don’t know what that requires of me…sometimes in those ‘vulnerable’ situations I am just so anxious I feel like I could die…wow…I don’t know how to tackle this
- Wow, I’m not sure I can talk about this topic anymore tonight – weird stuff – moving on….
2.Prayer
- something I kinda heard in my head this week was “you don’t believe in prayer.” And I feel like it was a statement that I should have been able to immediately dismiss…but I couldn’t just let it go. I really started to think about it and had to genuinely ask myself – do you believe? And it just keeps getting more complicated…I know there was one point in time where I said ‘no’ (years ago) and sometimes I feel like I go back and forth…it’s funny because I’m usually a person that goes back and forth between extremes and sees things in their extremes…so I figure I should either believe strongly or not at all…not waver. But, it’s like it’s different depending on who I’m talking about. As far as other people go – I totally believe in praying for other people’s situations and am usually (though it’s probably hard to tell) confident and have faith that God’s going to work in the situation. When I think about praying for myself – then comes the doubt. It seems real stupid…because I know it can’t be this way – only for other people and not for me…but that’s how my thinking gets screwy….guess it’s just something to think about
3. Dreams
-question – maybe I should take a poll…so, the past 5 or so nights I’ve had this reoccurring dream. Some parts of it seem obvious to me their possible ‘meaning’ (though I suppose I could just be making it up)…but I just feel like it’s a little weird to feel like I “get it” (or at least ‘get’ some of it and that’s more than usual) and still have it come up night after night….any thoughts about this? It’d be weird to post it on here…so I won’t …but maybe I should get someone else’s opinion on it??? I don’t know…I go back and forth on what I think about dreams and whether or not they have meaning for me (especially since I tend to remember a lot)….so yeah…thoughts??
Ok – guess that’s all for now…though it’s probably ‘enough’ as well…more tomorrow I’m sure…ok – comment if you’ve got some (and I hope you do)….
-Jenn
Speaking of not worrying about what I’m saying – I’ve made an executive decision…sometimes we start blogs like this and are ok with everyone reading them…and then inevitably drama happens and being open and honest about thoughts or feelings about life becomes difficult. Welp, last time I wrote on here I ended up with an email from a frustrated reader. I thought about things like changing the web address or censoring the topics I chose to write about…and while I will try and make sure I stay appropriate while discussing the past (specifically in regards to this person) I’m not sure I need to totally ‘censor’ everything I say…I wouldn’t expect this person to do that either. Anyways – the stuff I write on here is just what’s in my head or on my heart…and sometimes they are things I need to process or ‘get out of me’ and I do it on here…so…though I ask for comments and enjoy getting them – “to whom it may concern” – I’m going to be honest about what I’m feeling…and I don’t mean to upset or offend you (I’ll stop now – if you really want to talk about it more I guess email it or something).
Moving on…there is a ton to talk about…especially about Arkansas….but I don’t think I can go there tonight so I’m going to leave my interview in AR out of it for now…maybe there’ll be another post about that later…but a couple topics tonight (man – I’ve gotta hurry up so I can get to bed!!)
1. Independence, Self-Sufficiency, Need, Weakness…etc….
So, an issue has been raised – difficulty allowing myself to be seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ and sort of making a commitment to be tough and do things without God’s help…whoa…that’s a lot. Anyways – when it was brought up I really couldn’t disagree with it…I think it’s pretty obvious when you look at my attitudes and how I live even day to day. However, as a person that always thinks about things way more than necessary and wants to take time to process every little detail of things…I wrote a little about it today…here are some thoughts….in no particular order….
- Crying - I go back and forth between hating not being able to cry at ‘appropriate times’ and feeling like I cry too much – after all, ‘only babies cry.’ I used to think ANY sort of emotion (be it joy or despair) was inappropriate to let anyone see. Welp, this past week I’ve cried a lot – at least 6or7 times – after that I stopped keeping track…o man…could that be any more ironic??
- Self-sufficiency – I don’t know why I struggle and strive for self-sufficiency. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like God’s proven his trustworthiness – yeah – I know how stupid that sounds…me thinking that I can just expect God to prove himself to me…but that’s kinda how I feel sometimes. At the same time, I know that I’m no better than those other people I feel have let me down. I probably can’t trust myself anymore than them – but I’m more likely to bet on myself than anyone else – ok – so…bad idea….
- Weakness – it’s not just like a desire to be ‘seen’ strong by other people…I’m that and so much more – it’s associated with all this fear – fear of being hurt or embarrassed…stuff like that. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of losing or finding myself…both options seem equally scary. I think this issue with ‘weakness’ also has to do with how I view men and women. This summer at New Song…a couple prayed for me and mentioned something about being mad at God that he created me as a women…I think I’m seeing that more and more true. Not sure why – but yeah, I associate anything ‘feminine’ with being weak. This is probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time dressing up or wanting to look ‘nice.’ It’s not all an issue with feeling ‘beautiful’ or worrying about being specifically ‘taken advantage of’…but maybe more of this general vulnerability. There’s an idea of – if you make yourself vulnerable and something bad happens then it was meant to be and you have no one to blame but yourself. I fear being in that situation. Hmm…so, maybe this all does kinda frustrate me…like I started off life with a disadvantage I’m always trying to compensate for. It’s weird because it’s not like I see my close female friends that way – I don’t see then as weak at all – but once I start to look at myself everything gets all out-of-whack…I don’t know.
- Praying about this sort of stuff – it’s weird…when issues are brought up to ‘consider’ praying about…my ‘usual’ fear is pretty much focused on being in front of people or being embarrassed…stuff like that…but with this…I’m scared. I don’t why this would feel like a bigger deal than other things I’ve prayed about…but it feels real heavy and scary. I mean, I’m not sure I understand what it would take to be able to be weak and vulnerable in front of people…much less God…and how to allow him to help me (though I know I really do want him to – I’m afraid to let him – by the way – I know that doesn’t make sense…..) anyways – I don’t know what that requires of me…sometimes in those ‘vulnerable’ situations I am just so anxious I feel like I could die…wow…I don’t know how to tackle this
- Wow, I’m not sure I can talk about this topic anymore tonight – weird stuff – moving on….
2.Prayer
- something I kinda heard in my head this week was “you don’t believe in prayer.” And I feel like it was a statement that I should have been able to immediately dismiss…but I couldn’t just let it go. I really started to think about it and had to genuinely ask myself – do you believe? And it just keeps getting more complicated…I know there was one point in time where I said ‘no’ (years ago) and sometimes I feel like I go back and forth…it’s funny because I’m usually a person that goes back and forth between extremes and sees things in their extremes…so I figure I should either believe strongly or not at all…not waver. But, it’s like it’s different depending on who I’m talking about. As far as other people go – I totally believe in praying for other people’s situations and am usually (though it’s probably hard to tell) confident and have faith that God’s going to work in the situation. When I think about praying for myself – then comes the doubt. It seems real stupid…because I know it can’t be this way – only for other people and not for me…but that’s how my thinking gets screwy….guess it’s just something to think about
3. Dreams
-question – maybe I should take a poll…so, the past 5 or so nights I’ve had this reoccurring dream. Some parts of it seem obvious to me their possible ‘meaning’ (though I suppose I could just be making it up)…but I just feel like it’s a little weird to feel like I “get it” (or at least ‘get’ some of it and that’s more than usual) and still have it come up night after night….any thoughts about this? It’d be weird to post it on here…so I won’t …but maybe I should get someone else’s opinion on it??? I don’t know…I go back and forth on what I think about dreams and whether or not they have meaning for me (especially since I tend to remember a lot)….so yeah…thoughts??
Ok – guess that’s all for now…though it’s probably ‘enough’ as well…more tomorrow I’m sure…ok – comment if you’ve got some (and I hope you do)….
-Jenn
Sunday, February 26, 2006
....
-------------------------------------------------------------
called for a day of few words...
left broken and speechless...
desperate for you...please meet me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
*so much happened today, but no words for tonight - left uncomfortable and shakey...but that's not necessarily bad. more for me to learn i'm sure...i know there's a lot to process...just don't know how to go about that yet. feel a bit stunned.
jenn
called for a day of few words...
left broken and speechless...
desperate for you...please meet me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
*so much happened today, but no words for tonight - left uncomfortable and shakey...but that's not necessarily bad. more for me to learn i'm sure...i know there's a lot to process...just don't know how to go about that yet. feel a bit stunned.
jenn
Thursday, February 23, 2006
a 10-pointer...and you thought 3 was tought to get thru.....
so - i think i've started to catch on to my real blogging problem. i think i've actually been avoiding the computer lab and conveniently making myself too 'busy' to sit down until late at night when i know i'll be too tired to dive into any topic worth mentioning. tonight is no different. most of the time i feel like writting is a blessing...a real way to release all my crazy, messy thoughts and emotions...getting them out on paper...getting them out of me. these past two weeks it almost feels like any release of the 'stuff' inside me is less of a 'relief' and more like a breaking feeling. tonight is an example of one of those nights were i find myself with a ton to say...a ton to work out in my head...but no energy left to 'let' it all out. maybe i'll just mention the high/low lights of the day or what i spent the day thinking a lot about (which i would have gotten into...and may still in the future) :
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
1. soccer team drama - finally not being the person who's causing the tension and being disrespectful and finding out that being on the flip-side is just as tough...just in a different way.
2. recieving an unexpected gift from my church...a blessing...yet one that's hard to accept and i'm not sure 'how' to accept it either (i'd rather work for what i get- really not because i'm such a great person but that i don't want to be seen as 'needy')
3. dad sick with something 'weird' (typical) - sister sick with something 'weird' (they thought it was going to be something 'simple' but the tests for something 'simple' all came back normal -mri coming in a few weeks) - mom always sick with something (but not 'weird') - and i have a cold/flu...geez...my whole family's sick maybe that's why we can't seem to get along - it's all just weird.
4. babysitting and seeing 'kid love' - you know what i mean. there's something real genuine about it. man, i miss my jael and mara girls - just realized today jael turns 5 this year - wow!....and i've also figured out that i'm learning more from teaching 3 year olds bible stories than from most of my own daily Bible reading (i'm a little stuck there)...yup ....that's right....evidently the 'adult level' is too much for me and i should be taught in the 3 year old's class as well....
5. noticing Minirth (o yeah - just realized...haven't said anything on here about being contacted about a job in Arkansas - here's the REAL short version - put my resume on intercristo, they called me to give me the job details, made it thru 3 rounds of phone interviews with some REAL "interesting" people, may want the job...but i'm not sure i can really commit to saying that out loud yet, today set up tenative plans to come shadow the job next wed-friday - yikes!)....back to what i was saying...realizing Minirth's impecable (sp?) timing...they ALWAYS seem to know when i'm in the bathroom...for real...they've called me MANY times when i just 'happened' to be there.....weird.
6. really realizing how much life at Greenville really changed and shaped me...how i've fallen in love with this place and it's the only place i really feel like i can call 'home' - and i don't know what to do in this situation - kinda finding myself looking for reasons to be upset and angry with people because it would be easier to leave greenville if i just didn't have 'good' relationships to leave. i don't know - leaving...i don't do it well...people talk about the 'adventure' that could be starting and how 'fun' going to a new place (where no one knows you) can be - i just don't see it. that's not 'fun' for me...i don't know...i'm just real up and down about the whole deal...I don't even know how i'm gonna feel about it moment to moment....moving on.......
7. coming around the corner in the fitness center...exhausted after a tough workout (cause i'm kinda sick)....and finding my ex-boyfriend/kinda fiance/or whatever you want to call him...(instead of working out with the rest of the throwers that were there)...flirting with my little sister on the couch. and then him noticing that i was there and starting to tell stories about our dating experience (actually asking me to tell my sister about our first date, asking me if i remembered where it was and what we did....seriously...who asks this kind of stuff??!!) it sort of got me into a sad mood. this is going to sound stupid...but in a couple weeks we're going to have been broken-up for 1 yr (doesn't seem possible it was that long ago) and i miss him sometimes (though still agree breaking up was nessesary)...it was easier last semester to not think much about him because he had changed so much i didn't really 'recognize him' as the guy i loved...he had even changed his appearance. but now he's back to looking like the guy i liked and have all this emotional stuff with...i don't know...i don't know how i feel about him now - though i AM REAL sure i know how i feel about him being 'inappropriate' when hanging out with my sister....grrr....better move on.......
8. o, and update from the last post - which was a real 'upset' one - the update is that i'm not really upset at coach anymore, had a meeting, all got thrown out on the table and now it makes more sense to me, able to let it go for the most part...tourney on sat - we're having an alumni team - though going to be missing some of my 'dearest' alumnuses (i very well could have just made up that word - i recognize that...o well)...sad, but an oppertunity - for me, playing proves a point for me like their not-playing proves a point for them. seniors are in a mess with themselves and with coach - bitterness, pride, anger, and i'm sure other stuff....we need help.
9. a nagging ache growing inside of me - for what? for who? i have no clue...but it's been growing since sunday and sometimes i feel like it's just going to burst right out of me - it's weird...like being able to have a secret from yourself - man, how schizo does that sound? anyways - lots of prayer and only two words - "wait" and "still" - so yeah....who knows.
10. if you know me well - you know i couldn't just end with 9 points - i have a thing about even numbers - ok - so #10 is how i'm getting a little ocd again - the number thing is only the half of it - o well, it'll go away eventually - just a sign i'm stressed i'm sure....
wow - i ended up saying a lot...o man, guess you're probably glad i ended up doing the relatively 'short' versions of all that stuff...what was i thinking?? and why WASN'T i thinking "go to bed!?!"
ok - well...as always...feel free to comment...
love,
jenn
Monday, February 20, 2006
over before it even began..... :(
there will eventually be a 'real' update here...but for tonight...i just have one comment - mainly because i'm so mad i just have to write something somewhere and it might as well be here. so, we just got done with indoor practice (10pm-12am)...for weeks coach has been hyping up this whole indoor tourney we have this weekend. everyone's been working out and workin their butts off trying to get ready...and kinda excited because we have more teams coming to compete. also, coach has been on me the past couple weeks to commit to being the keeper for the tourney and i've been getting pretty excited to have one more shot at soccer before i leave. so, we come to practice tonight and the seniors are told they probably won't play much if at all...because they're leaving. and kat and i are told we won't be playing keeper AT ALL! some frickin recruit is taking our spot - a recruit no one can guarantee is coming next season, has not been thru 4 camps, and seriously - i've never even been ABLE to play in the tourney - i've always had track to do...and there's another senior who's never gotten to play in it either. coach suggests that we come up with an alumni team. SERIOUSLY - he WAITS to tell us until 4 DAYS before the tourney we're gonna have to make up a team (calling people in who don't even LIVE in greenville anymore - to try to get them to last-minute come down for a game?) to think i was going to (if offered) work a job interview around this thing. grrrr. i was excited after the soccer banquet - about our team, coach, indoor...then didn't get to play after the deal because coach made us give up the field totally to the recruits...and now we don't get the tourney either!....ugh. and then as i'm leaving coach says he wants to talk to me tomorrow...i'm sure it's about this whole thing and it's going to be a meeting about how i need to think about our future team or change my attitude or something like that. i think there are other seniors he might be talking to too...(hope so)...but really i tried to hold my cool during practice...think i did better than usually...and just am not looking forward to another person telling me i'm wrong. i don't know...one more thing to add to my list....i feel like i'm sinking.....
jenn
jenn
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