hmmm....i guess i posted this afternoon. that's weird...i don't even remember being at the computer at that time. well...guess it's too late now....in more ways than one (maybe it's a whole day of 'too late' things). this has just been a freaky messed up day. i can hardly explain it. don't think i should either....maybe i can find a way to fix things tomorrow. i don't know...i think i'm gonna go pass out again....it seemed to work well for me this afternoon. who knows...maybe i won't remember this post either. it's a good thing tomorrow...or i guess now it's today....it's good that it's sunday...i really need some church. o...and if you see me...i could use a hug too. later...
j
Saturday, January 29, 2005
screw it....
now that i've freakin slowed down enough to get on here and write...i can't....i had to stop it. now i'm a little too snowed to make sense...much more is coming....topic: why i can't tell God what i'm really thinking right now and what i'd say if i weren't a wuss.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Day of Kids and Learning About the Drama of Potty Training....
kids can really change your attitude. i got to spend a couple of ours with "my kids" today and it was so great! i went over about 10am and knocked on the door. from outside i could here jael yelling..."mo---mmy....someone's here....someone's here....i can't open the door...." this repeated for about 5 minutes before dawn came and unlocked the door. she had forgotten that i was coming. anyways...little mara (15mo old) met me at the door screaming and giggling. i doubt she remembered me because she's too little yet...but she's always excited to have new people around. she was so cute...she showed off a TON. but i was an enthusiastic audience. i hadn't seen here since she started walking...and now she was running EVERYWHERE (mainly in circles til she fell down...hmmm...i wish i were that easily entertained). jael (3 1/2) was sitting on the couch watching Jack Frost on tv and wearing this purple costume. for christmas she had gotten these mix and match dress up princess and butterfly outfits. today she was a princess :) i wish i had been able to get pics ....but those two didn't slow down or stand still the whole 41/2 hours i was there. i got to talk with dawn and catch up on her and adam's life and heard a lot about the troubles of potty training as well....haha....o man. like i said...the kids were great....we ate lunch (jael prayed for our meal and ended up praying "for my jenn to come and play with me and eat food with us...." - it made me smile :) , had a tea party with jael, tried to keep mara from stealing jael's toys and climbing on the table, and before nap time i got to sit with both of them in my lap and read dr.seusse (sp?) books. overall, the most relaxing time i've had in a while. i'm gonna post a couple pics just to brag :)...
love, jenn
p.s. - if you think of it you could pray from me tomorrow...i have to fly back to st.louis tomorrow morning and i really can't take another day of delays. also, i forgot to include a story in my last post. the registrar is trying to tell me i'm missing classes and can't graduate as a religion major...it's all messed up and she's insisting that i have to take classes that aren't even offered anymore. hopefully i can talk to her and get it straightened out as soon as i get back. ok..enough for now...i'm kinda sick.....nite.....
love, jenn
p.s. - if you think of it you could pray from me tomorrow...i have to fly back to st.louis tomorrow morning and i really can't take another day of delays. also, i forgot to include a story in my last post. the registrar is trying to tell me i'm missing classes and can't graduate as a religion major...it's all messed up and she's insisting that i have to take classes that aren't even offered anymore. hopefully i can talk to her and get it straightened out as soon as i get back. ok..enough for now...i'm kinda sick.....nite.....
Sunday, January 23, 2005
...Ever Seen the Movie "The Terminal?"......
wow...what a weekend it has been. so, have you ever seen the movie "the Terminal?" well, if you have you'll know exactly what i mean when i say i was at the airport so long i considered returning bagage carts for quarters. ok...let me tell you about my saturday....maybe i should back up just a little bit. the last couple of days this week were kinda stressful. thursday everything kind of came to a head - i reached my limits as far as stress goes and had a minor breakdown-ish moment. luckily leah lent me some time thursday night (i'm sure she'd planned to go to bed much earlier) and we had a good talk. friday i was still a bit overwhelmed but trying to hold things together....that night i worked until 8pm and then james and i went back to my apt. i had cleaned all day but had a few odds and ends to take care of before my new roomie showed up. well, beth showed up at about 845 and the craziness began. she and kit (he goes to gc...but i don't remember his last name....) both spent last semester at martha's vineyard. yeah, she brought 3 guitarrs and other various music junk things. basically...she's the living, breathing, walking definition of EMO. o well, she transfered from Cornerstone and i'm sure she'll fit in with the rest of the CCMers here. she seems nice so far...doesn't really say very much...but it could work out. i'm still holding out hope. so....the night ended up being really long...she and kit went out til around 330 and then she stumbled in and took a shower. needless to say, i didn't sleep very much friday night. but it was ok...i was all ready to get going on this whole flying home deal.
sorry...interrupted by a phonecall - definately going to turn into another post soon....
so...i left for the airport around 8 and got there around 9. my first flight, to minneapolis, was supposed to leave at 1040. then i was supposed to wait for a 1256 flight to madison. well, check in was a lot easier than i expected and i ended up with a little over an hour to wait. no big deal right...well....here's where the 'fun' began. everytime we came within 20 min of boarding time...we got delayed. in the end, i changed flights 4 times (strange at first because i had never had to change plans at the airport, never missed a flight or had huge delays before). so, my 1040 flight was cancelled and the new flight i was put on was delayed until 130. it was all getting ridiculous and feeling sick. i tried to take a nap and i had plenty of reading material...but couldn't really get into it. the delays were supposed to be weather related...but it was hard to understand because there was sunshine in St.louis. at 120 they announced that the plan had been here for 2 hours..but the crew was stuck (with everything elses) in detroit. they ended up calling back a crew at their hotel and having them fly us to MN. we finally boarded at 3pm - at this time i had spent 6 LONG hours in the airport. the connection from MN to WI was much easier and i finally made it home around 830. what a day! i haven't been so glad to make it home in a long time. so, needless to say, i might need a little more time before i'll be excited about stepping foot in an airport...but i guess i'd better hurry up about it so i can fly back on tuesday.
the snow here is great though! we have SO much...definately glad i didn't drive up here.....i'll post a couple pics in a few minutes. the least amount you can find around here is 2 1/2 feet...and some of the drifts are up to my shoulders. it'll make tomorrow a little more fun. i'm going over to the Wanninger's for lunch tomorrow....yay! i CAN"T wait to see my girls :) dawn (their mom) said we can go play in the snow for a little bit in the morning...it should be great and hopefully i'll have some fun pics from that time as well. ok...time to switch topics i guess....man, talk about a mood swing...i would feel bad venting in the middle of a post that is more of an example of weirdness than frustration.
well...everyone on vacation....i hope you're having a great time. and if you're up north like me...don't worry...we'll dig ourselves out of this white tundra somehow. can't wait to see ya tuesday (well...most of you)...
love, jenn
sorry...interrupted by a phonecall - definately going to turn into another post soon....
so...i left for the airport around 8 and got there around 9. my first flight, to minneapolis, was supposed to leave at 1040. then i was supposed to wait for a 1256 flight to madison. well, check in was a lot easier than i expected and i ended up with a little over an hour to wait. no big deal right...well....here's where the 'fun' began. everytime we came within 20 min of boarding time...we got delayed. in the end, i changed flights 4 times (strange at first because i had never had to change plans at the airport, never missed a flight or had huge delays before). so, my 1040 flight was cancelled and the new flight i was put on was delayed until 130. it was all getting ridiculous and feeling sick. i tried to take a nap and i had plenty of reading material...but couldn't really get into it. the delays were supposed to be weather related...but it was hard to understand because there was sunshine in St.louis. at 120 they announced that the plan had been here for 2 hours..but the crew was stuck (with everything elses) in detroit. they ended up calling back a crew at their hotel and having them fly us to MN. we finally boarded at 3pm - at this time i had spent 6 LONG hours in the airport. the connection from MN to WI was much easier and i finally made it home around 830. what a day! i haven't been so glad to make it home in a long time. so, needless to say, i might need a little more time before i'll be excited about stepping foot in an airport...but i guess i'd better hurry up about it so i can fly back on tuesday.
the snow here is great though! we have SO much...definately glad i didn't drive up here.....i'll post a couple pics in a few minutes. the least amount you can find around here is 2 1/2 feet...and some of the drifts are up to my shoulders. it'll make tomorrow a little more fun. i'm going over to the Wanninger's for lunch tomorrow....yay! i CAN"T wait to see my girls :) dawn (their mom) said we can go play in the snow for a little bit in the morning...it should be great and hopefully i'll have some fun pics from that time as well. ok...time to switch topics i guess....man, talk about a mood swing...i would feel bad venting in the middle of a post that is more of an example of weirdness than frustration.
well...everyone on vacation....i hope you're having a great time. and if you're up north like me...don't worry...we'll dig ourselves out of this white tundra somehow. can't wait to see ya tuesday (well...most of you)...
love, jenn
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
forget it...
well, i had a funny post planned for late tonight...but i don't think it's gonna happen any more. i had a pretty great day today filled with some unexpected blessings. things were good until a little while ago. i'll post the highlights tomorrow - something about almost missing being blessed by someone because my own stupid insecurity. yep - a butt kicker. anyways, here's my thought of the evening. sometimes the trip down memory lane can end in ways you had not expected. i was just hit thinking about people who have moved out of my life. don't get me wrong...i love my current friends dearly and couldn't imagine where i would have ended up without their support. and part of me is greatful for the stretching and growth that has come with the past friend's absences ...but part of me is a little sad...wishing that they could share in my growth and happy moments this year. is it wrong to wonder what if and just wish that those old friends could see your changed life? i don't know... time to go to bed...there's a lot i'm thinking about...hopefully i'll find a way to turn it off...gnite my friends...
jenn
jenn
oops...no time
i fully intended on occupying my time at work today to the blog. but i was unexpectedly distracted. i haven't chatted on AIM much lately...but tonight i ended up juggling 3 funny convos. the funniest was actually with my friend andy. i'll just copy and paste a little exsurp of what's to come when i finally have time to write tonight.....
(background - we were talking about how stupid high school is and how much things that happen in college can really change you....he thinks i've been "corrupted" because i was so quiet and appeared real naive in high school...)
Budokai20: wow...corrupted by college...
Budokai20: my little girl is growing up..
Budokai20: ::sniffle::
trtlinterrupted4: LOL
trtlinterrupted4: man andy...we're getting old...ya know?
Budokai20: ya der eh
Budokai20: uh..andy turning into a yooper
trtlinterrupted4: haha
trtlinterrupted4: o man
trtlinterrupted4: dat der yooper thing is a catchin
trtlinterrupted4: like sum sorta sickness?
Budokai20: lol
Budokai20: SHUT UP!!
yeah...i think the title of my next blog is going to be "I'd rather be a yooper." - - just for you leah ;)
-jenn
(background - we were talking about how stupid high school is and how much things that happen in college can really change you....he thinks i've been "corrupted" because i was so quiet and appeared real naive in high school...)
Budokai20: wow...corrupted by college...
Budokai20: my little girl is growing up..
Budokai20: ::sniffle::
trtlinterrupted4: LOL
trtlinterrupted4: man andy...we're getting old...ya know?
Budokai20: ya der eh
Budokai20: uh..andy turning into a yooper
trtlinterrupted4: haha
trtlinterrupted4: o man
trtlinterrupted4: dat der yooper thing is a catchin
trtlinterrupted4: like sum sorta sickness?
Budokai20: lol
Budokai20: SHUT UP!!
yeah...i think the title of my next blog is going to be "I'd rather be a yooper." - - just for you leah ;)
-jenn
Monday, January 17, 2005
"fair" - blah blah post #2
* * FAIR * *
ok...so people always say that "life's not fair." and normally i agree whole heartedly with that statement. i know in my head that i'm not always going to get my way or get what i deserve. and sometimes not getting what i deserve is a good thing. however, there is a little part of me that is always looking for my life to be easy and what i think of as "fair." well, i'm a geek sometimes (i feel like i'm writting a paper) and tonight is one of those geek nights (or maybe i'm just bored) - so i looked up the definition of the word "fair." here's what i came up with -
fair: superficially pleasing; free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism; conforming with the established rules.
ok...so the "free from self-interest" part really caught my attention. my idea of fairness has everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else. to go along with that is the first definition - superficially pleasing. now, they're probably talking about how someone looks - like beauty. but i want to think about that a little more. i'm so wrapped up in the raw deal i'm getting and all the things that are happening "to me" i forget what i may be doing to others. what if what my idea of fair brings to my life ends up being just superficially pleasing. my will verses God's will. if i get my own way, decided by my limited ablity to run my life, in the end the happiness and pleasure may fade. am i willing to risk that? is being "right" in what i think i need, my plans, or my idea of what i should be thankful/complain about ...all of that...is it worth finding myself lacking even more in the end?
i dont' know...the final definition i included is "conforming with established rules." here's the thought that came to me. who made up these established rules? for some reason i end up thinking that there is some rule that has been written down for the whole world to see and adhere to that says that everything should be easy and just as far as it relates to me. where do people even get this idea? i know i'm not the only one. is it just this selfish nature that makes us expect the irrational and causes us anger and disappointment when things end up ruining our well-intentioned plans? i don't really know what i'm babbling about...i guess i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with others too but i'm not sure i can admit to it yet.
i don't know...a friend admitted their frustration with God the other day and it made me feel sick. couple possible reasons for this one...but i really know which one's true...i'll just lay it out there. ok - i don't know how many times i've had the discussion with people about out attitudes and feelings towards God (what we can and can't admit to). ok - my head and my heart are polar opposites on this point. i wish i could be the one to admit when i'm angry or frustrated with God. growing up, i was always told how wrong that was and it's stuck with me. i also tend to think - i'm little and insignificant in comparision to God - who am i to be frustrated or angry with him. i have no right. and that's true...but i guess it's kind of stupid to think that i could keep my feelings hidden from God. whether i say it out loud or not - God knows when i'm angry or frustrated with him - i guess the secret only hurts me in the end...no one else. and then i think ...how small do i think this great God is? i mean, he's definately big enough to take my piss poor attitude if he's big enough to take on the sins of the whole freakin world....right?
ok...so for now...i'll just say i'm frustrated...in general...about life. i'm going to vent for a sec...like i said before...a little less than normal is being held back at this point...i think i'm on a roll. ok. i'm sick of being broken for seemingly no reason. this is not to say that i don't believe there is a reason for it...but i can't see what it is and that drives me nuts. sometimes broken is the best place to be...and i've come to enjoy the growth that has come out of it in the past. but this time seems different. i don't feel like i'm learning anything. i have a whole lot more head knowledge about faith and God and such...but i don't have as much heart knowledge as i want. it's frustrating when you KNOW that your head and heart are not working together. i'm sick of fighting myself. i don't know what is simple unbelief and what is me just holding out for a feeling (waiting for my heart to catch up to my head). i forget how meaningless feelings are sometimes....make that ...LOTS of times. anyways, i don't know what God's plans are for me right now and that bothers me. sometimes i just feel like he's playing games with me. i just feel like saying "what the heck is going on here....do you like watching me fall on my face? i thought you were going to be here when i needed you...i need you now and i just can't feel you. i know that having faith means not having to see or feel something to know it's real...but sometimes i just need a reminder that you're still here with me - sometimes i just need to feel your arms around me - i'm scared."
ok. i'm scared. i can admit that. i'm scared on so many things i feel like a failure. i'm scared of not making it in the army or not being a good-enough wife to james. i'm scared of failing classes, losing friends, and losing my mind. and i'm scared of losing everyone who's important in my life. that's how it always seems to happen. as soon as i feel comfortable or really feel connected with my friends and family - they leave or are taken away. i've finally said that the whole keeping people at a safe distance and not letting anyone get close to me was a stupid plan that i used to follow. i've finally reached a point of almost total vulnerablitiy with a couple of people and have felt little by little how freeing that is. now that things are looking up i'm waiting for the bomb to drop and things to be ripped away again. i don't want to live in a perpetual state of pessimism (sp?) - but that's my experience. and here's a real life situation. i'm scared that tomorrow i'm going to get another dreaded phone call about my dad. things about his cancer status were left open-ended over the summer. and now, whether anyone likes it or not...everything's going to be brought out in the open and we're going to know his real status. i always think...what would i do if he dies? here's another thing that gets me. i want to know why...during those times that i am afraid of loosing my father, why my heavenly father seems so far away? i don't really want to ask that question - i'm sure it's my own fault...but...you know.
ok...so fair....nothings fair. life's not fair and it's more than likely a good thing that it's not. and i'm really selfish...that's not exactly a new revelation ...just something i need to remind myself. look ...i've taken all this time to write about myself and nothing about how i've hurt people or what other people in my life are going through right now. i have been INCREDIBLY blessed with the friends in my life and i wish i knew how to be a better friend to them.
---ok...side note - i had to go and close the pool and found this middle-aged couple snuggling on the couch...i didn't know whether to be sick or tell them to go get a room. man - i really need to not open my mouth to anyone (muchless strangers) until this codine wears off....moving on...where was i...o yeah...friends and such.
yeah, i'm blessed by great people in my life who don't seem to care how much i screw up. and year...i screw up all the freakin time. man, it must get wearing on them...i'm glad they've stuck around. ok...so i wonder if i've had any sort of impact on the friends that have had life-changing impacts on me. i would like to think so, because otherwise that makes me some sort of leech and not a real friend, but i dont' know....i wonder if i'm so self-centered that i do not take enough time to be there for them. i can imagine that i'm a draining person to be around - there's always all this drama going on in my life and i'm still learning how to handle things. i hate it that i have so many questions and need to ask for help. i'm lucky that i have people who offer to help. so, i think it's time for me to grow up...what that means i have no idea...but it sounded good in my head. speaking of which...wow...i'm dizzy....ok.
wow...if you've made it this far down in the post congrats....you're the big winner (or loser...depending on how crappy the stuff was that i wrote) well, take it or leave it...in the morning i'll probably regret writing all of this...but right now...i just don't care...nope....not at all.....ok...maybe a little bit...but it's fine. man, i've gotta stop arguing with myself...well...at least outside of my head. it just makes a person look a little schizo. hmmm...never been called that before...best not to start. ok...i'm going to try to start some clean-up stuff so i can get out of here close to on time. i'm having a party tonight for the soccer girls. i have to hurry up and get out of here, buy some food, and clean the apt. i'm sure people won't really care if it's messy...but i will. ok, feel free to leave a comment or email me...or not...whatever....later
love....jen
ok...so people always say that "life's not fair." and normally i agree whole heartedly with that statement. i know in my head that i'm not always going to get my way or get what i deserve. and sometimes not getting what i deserve is a good thing. however, there is a little part of me that is always looking for my life to be easy and what i think of as "fair." well, i'm a geek sometimes (i feel like i'm writting a paper) and tonight is one of those geek nights (or maybe i'm just bored) - so i looked up the definition of the word "fair." here's what i came up with -
fair: superficially pleasing; free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism; conforming with the established rules.
ok...so the "free from self-interest" part really caught my attention. my idea of fairness has everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else. to go along with that is the first definition - superficially pleasing. now, they're probably talking about how someone looks - like beauty. but i want to think about that a little more. i'm so wrapped up in the raw deal i'm getting and all the things that are happening "to me" i forget what i may be doing to others. what if what my idea of fair brings to my life ends up being just superficially pleasing. my will verses God's will. if i get my own way, decided by my limited ablity to run my life, in the end the happiness and pleasure may fade. am i willing to risk that? is being "right" in what i think i need, my plans, or my idea of what i should be thankful/complain about ...all of that...is it worth finding myself lacking even more in the end?
i dont' know...the final definition i included is "conforming with established rules." here's the thought that came to me. who made up these established rules? for some reason i end up thinking that there is some rule that has been written down for the whole world to see and adhere to that says that everything should be easy and just as far as it relates to me. where do people even get this idea? i know i'm not the only one. is it just this selfish nature that makes us expect the irrational and causes us anger and disappointment when things end up ruining our well-intentioned plans? i don't really know what i'm babbling about...i guess i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with others too but i'm not sure i can admit to it yet.
i don't know...a friend admitted their frustration with God the other day and it made me feel sick. couple possible reasons for this one...but i really know which one's true...i'll just lay it out there. ok - i don't know how many times i've had the discussion with people about out attitudes and feelings towards God (what we can and can't admit to). ok - my head and my heart are polar opposites on this point. i wish i could be the one to admit when i'm angry or frustrated with God. growing up, i was always told how wrong that was and it's stuck with me. i also tend to think - i'm little and insignificant in comparision to God - who am i to be frustrated or angry with him. i have no right. and that's true...but i guess it's kind of stupid to think that i could keep my feelings hidden from God. whether i say it out loud or not - God knows when i'm angry or frustrated with him - i guess the secret only hurts me in the end...no one else. and then i think ...how small do i think this great God is? i mean, he's definately big enough to take my piss poor attitude if he's big enough to take on the sins of the whole freakin world....right?
ok...so for now...i'll just say i'm frustrated...in general...about life. i'm going to vent for a sec...like i said before...a little less than normal is being held back at this point...i think i'm on a roll. ok. i'm sick of being broken for seemingly no reason. this is not to say that i don't believe there is a reason for it...but i can't see what it is and that drives me nuts. sometimes broken is the best place to be...and i've come to enjoy the growth that has come out of it in the past. but this time seems different. i don't feel like i'm learning anything. i have a whole lot more head knowledge about faith and God and such...but i don't have as much heart knowledge as i want. it's frustrating when you KNOW that your head and heart are not working together. i'm sick of fighting myself. i don't know what is simple unbelief and what is me just holding out for a feeling (waiting for my heart to catch up to my head). i forget how meaningless feelings are sometimes....make that ...LOTS of times. anyways, i don't know what God's plans are for me right now and that bothers me. sometimes i just feel like he's playing games with me. i just feel like saying "what the heck is going on here....do you like watching me fall on my face? i thought you were going to be here when i needed you...i need you now and i just can't feel you. i know that having faith means not having to see or feel something to know it's real...but sometimes i just need a reminder that you're still here with me - sometimes i just need to feel your arms around me - i'm scared."
ok. i'm scared. i can admit that. i'm scared on so many things i feel like a failure. i'm scared of not making it in the army or not being a good-enough wife to james. i'm scared of failing classes, losing friends, and losing my mind. and i'm scared of losing everyone who's important in my life. that's how it always seems to happen. as soon as i feel comfortable or really feel connected with my friends and family - they leave or are taken away. i've finally said that the whole keeping people at a safe distance and not letting anyone get close to me was a stupid plan that i used to follow. i've finally reached a point of almost total vulnerablitiy with a couple of people and have felt little by little how freeing that is. now that things are looking up i'm waiting for the bomb to drop and things to be ripped away again. i don't want to live in a perpetual state of pessimism (sp?) - but that's my experience. and here's a real life situation. i'm scared that tomorrow i'm going to get another dreaded phone call about my dad. things about his cancer status were left open-ended over the summer. and now, whether anyone likes it or not...everything's going to be brought out in the open and we're going to know his real status. i always think...what would i do if he dies? here's another thing that gets me. i want to know why...during those times that i am afraid of loosing my father, why my heavenly father seems so far away? i don't really want to ask that question - i'm sure it's my own fault...but...you know.
ok...so fair....nothings fair. life's not fair and it's more than likely a good thing that it's not. and i'm really selfish...that's not exactly a new revelation ...just something i need to remind myself. look ...i've taken all this time to write about myself and nothing about how i've hurt people or what other people in my life are going through right now. i have been INCREDIBLY blessed with the friends in my life and i wish i knew how to be a better friend to them.
---ok...side note - i had to go and close the pool and found this middle-aged couple snuggling on the couch...i didn't know whether to be sick or tell them to go get a room. man - i really need to not open my mouth to anyone (muchless strangers) until this codine wears off....moving on...where was i...o yeah...friends and such.
yeah, i'm blessed by great people in my life who don't seem to care how much i screw up. and year...i screw up all the freakin time. man, it must get wearing on them...i'm glad they've stuck around. ok...so i wonder if i've had any sort of impact on the friends that have had life-changing impacts on me. i would like to think so, because otherwise that makes me some sort of leech and not a real friend, but i dont' know....i wonder if i'm so self-centered that i do not take enough time to be there for them. i can imagine that i'm a draining person to be around - there's always all this drama going on in my life and i'm still learning how to handle things. i hate it that i have so many questions and need to ask for help. i'm lucky that i have people who offer to help. so, i think it's time for me to grow up...what that means i have no idea...but it sounded good in my head. speaking of which...wow...i'm dizzy....ok.
wow...if you've made it this far down in the post congrats....you're the big winner (or loser...depending on how crappy the stuff was that i wrote) well, take it or leave it...in the morning i'll probably regret writing all of this...but right now...i just don't care...nope....not at all.....ok...maybe a little bit...but it's fine. man, i've gotta stop arguing with myself...well...at least outside of my head. it just makes a person look a little schizo. hmmm...never been called that before...best not to start. ok...i'm going to try to start some clean-up stuff so i can get out of here close to on time. i'm having a party tonight for the soccer girls. i have to hurry up and get out of here, buy some food, and clean the apt. i'm sure people won't really care if it's messy...but i will. ok, feel free to leave a comment or email me...or not...whatever....later
love....jen
blah blah blah - work post #1
i'm at work right now. two hours left to go...this is the long stretch of the night. i really like getting all of these hours over interterm...especially since i won't be working nearly as often this next semester. at the same time...41/2-5 hours here behind the desk - just sitting - gets a little long. o well...
i kept saying that i would use this time MWF to update the blog. afterall....what else do i have to do??? but as you can see...up until tonight...that plan wasn't so much put into action. but i'm here now. so, what's been going on in the life of jenn since new years? - a TON. o man...how am i gonna start this? well, i guess i can cover the first two weeks of interterm by saying - it sucked relationship wise...but things are turning around...lots of relationship drama...but what's new right? moving on....
so, i'm back at school now...interterm is going alright and i like my class for the most part. there's a lot of swimming...but it helps me not to feel like a lazy slug (ewww). the class was going pretty smooth until i hurt my back. stupid diving games (my own fault really) - and so now i'm walking around like i'm 80 and probably complaining just as much. the good part of the deal...well i guess good and bad...is that i got some muscle relaxers and T3's out of the deal. the dumb part is that i didn't even ask for the T3's. really i thought i would try not messing with any more of that stuff...but it keeps coming back to me. ooo...speaking of which...i think they may have just started to kick in...who knows what may happen now with this post. (i'll probably re-read it tomorrow and laugh). anyways, long story short...i have painkillers again and i'm not sure how i feel about that. (man - i always worry about the length of these things - but who cares - i'm gonna dive right into that subject (note to self - be careful what you say when you're on painkillers - you tend to lose your filter))
ok - so pain pills. anyone who really knows me has heard at least a short story about me and prescription drugs. the long and short of it is....i like them...a lot....especially when i'm not really injured. with that said - i haven't used those kind of pills "inappropriately" for about 10 months (i think) and in the last 2 months i've basically tried to be real careful even keeping them around me. i had them for a long time with my finger injury - i think it was 3 months. it was hard but kind of good to finally have them gone a few weeks ago. then i get hurt again (pretty soon after getting rid of the first set of pills) and that seems weird to me. but this is a legit injury so i should be ok with having the meds. here's something else that's kinda ironic. T3's are my favorite painkiller of all time. those are the ones i used to crave the most and had the most "fun" with. and now...when i'm trying to change things - that's what i get? that's weird to me. in some ways i'm glad to have them because i like how they make me feel (the side affects suck...but...whatever). i don't know what i'm trying to say. wait...yes i do. i'm sick of feeling broken and down and then having temptation thrown in my face. it's like a dare...and a dare is something that makes me SO angry. sometimes i feel like i'm learning/stretching a lot...and i know many times i need to fall on my face and get to a low place to be where i need to be to learn. i guess it shouldn't surprise me that, that situation is the perfect time to be attacked. it's the whole idea of "hit em while they're down." but i guess i just have some sort of irrational idea that things should be 'fair' and that doesn't seem fair to me. ok...i think i need to start a new post on this whole "fair" idea. i'll conclude with this - i am sick and tired of being sick and tired (hmmm...i think i remember that being in a song...but who knows...everythings getting a little trippy :} ) i hate this blog becoming a place to complain ...but for real...there are a lot of good things going on in life too. just lately they haven't been as exciting to talk about as the "bad/rough" things. guess it shouldn't matter whether a good thing is exciting or not. but o well...i'll try to work on being more positive - haha....maybe tomorrow :) - - - -ok...onto the idea of "fairness" - this should be good...or bad...i don't know....possibly ridiculous....
jenn
i kept saying that i would use this time MWF to update the blog. afterall....what else do i have to do??? but as you can see...up until tonight...that plan wasn't so much put into action. but i'm here now. so, what's been going on in the life of jenn since new years? - a TON. o man...how am i gonna start this? well, i guess i can cover the first two weeks of interterm by saying - it sucked relationship wise...but things are turning around...lots of relationship drama...but what's new right? moving on....
so, i'm back at school now...interterm is going alright and i like my class for the most part. there's a lot of swimming...but it helps me not to feel like a lazy slug (ewww). the class was going pretty smooth until i hurt my back. stupid diving games (my own fault really) - and so now i'm walking around like i'm 80 and probably complaining just as much. the good part of the deal...well i guess good and bad...is that i got some muscle relaxers and T3's out of the deal. the dumb part is that i didn't even ask for the T3's. really i thought i would try not messing with any more of that stuff...but it keeps coming back to me. ooo...speaking of which...i think they may have just started to kick in...who knows what may happen now with this post. (i'll probably re-read it tomorrow and laugh). anyways, long story short...i have painkillers again and i'm not sure how i feel about that. (man - i always worry about the length of these things - but who cares - i'm gonna dive right into that subject (note to self - be careful what you say when you're on painkillers - you tend to lose your filter))
ok - so pain pills. anyone who really knows me has heard at least a short story about me and prescription drugs. the long and short of it is....i like them...a lot....especially when i'm not really injured. with that said - i haven't used those kind of pills "inappropriately" for about 10 months (i think) and in the last 2 months i've basically tried to be real careful even keeping them around me. i had them for a long time with my finger injury - i think it was 3 months. it was hard but kind of good to finally have them gone a few weeks ago. then i get hurt again (pretty soon after getting rid of the first set of pills) and that seems weird to me. but this is a legit injury so i should be ok with having the meds. here's something else that's kinda ironic. T3's are my favorite painkiller of all time. those are the ones i used to crave the most and had the most "fun" with. and now...when i'm trying to change things - that's what i get? that's weird to me. in some ways i'm glad to have them because i like how they make me feel (the side affects suck...but...whatever). i don't know what i'm trying to say. wait...yes i do. i'm sick of feeling broken and down and then having temptation thrown in my face. it's like a dare...and a dare is something that makes me SO angry. sometimes i feel like i'm learning/stretching a lot...and i know many times i need to fall on my face and get to a low place to be where i need to be to learn. i guess it shouldn't surprise me that, that situation is the perfect time to be attacked. it's the whole idea of "hit em while they're down." but i guess i just have some sort of irrational idea that things should be 'fair' and that doesn't seem fair to me. ok...i think i need to start a new post on this whole "fair" idea. i'll conclude with this - i am sick and tired of being sick and tired (hmmm...i think i remember that being in a song...but who knows...everythings getting a little trippy :} ) i hate this blog becoming a place to complain ...but for real...there are a lot of good things going on in life too. just lately they haven't been as exciting to talk about as the "bad/rough" things. guess it shouldn't matter whether a good thing is exciting or not. but o well...i'll try to work on being more positive - haha....maybe tomorrow :) - - - -ok...onto the idea of "fairness" - this should be good...or bad...i don't know....possibly ridiculous....
jenn
Saturday, January 01, 2005
whoa.... ' 05.... whoa
well...Happy New Years 2005 ('05 - man, that'll take a good month or so to remember)....i just got home. quick summary - more later on. the night was pretty good - went to the richey's for a couple hours and then on to the shucha's for the rest of the night. lots of food, lots of people, lots of "catching up," a TON of phase ten (but it's still one of my favorite card games), and the ever present drama (hopefully most will resolve by tomorrow on its own). guess i should hurry up and try to sleep. i'm pretty much awake and could probably just stay up - but jason wants to go running tomorrow morning (if he remembers to call - which is totally debatable). alright....
niters - j
niters - j
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