"fair" - blah blah post #2

* * FAIR * *

ok...so people always say that "life's not fair." and normally i agree whole heartedly with that statement. i know in my head that i'm not always going to get my way or get what i deserve. and sometimes not getting what i deserve is a good thing. however, there is a little part of me that is always looking for my life to be easy and what i think of as "fair." well, i'm a geek sometimes (i feel like i'm writting a paper) and tonight is one of those geek nights (or maybe i'm just bored) - so i looked up the definition of the word "fair." here's what i came up with -

fair: superficially pleasing; free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism; conforming with the established rules.

ok...so the "free from self-interest" part really caught my attention. my idea of fairness has everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else. to go along with that is the first definition - superficially pleasing. now, they're probably talking about how someone looks - like beauty. but i want to think about that a little more. i'm so wrapped up in the raw deal i'm getting and all the things that are happening "to me" i forget what i may be doing to others. what if what my idea of fair brings to my life ends up being just superficially pleasing. my will verses God's will. if i get my own way, decided by my limited ablity to run my life, in the end the happiness and pleasure may fade. am i willing to risk that? is being "right" in what i think i need, my plans, or my idea of what i should be thankful/complain about ...all of that...is it worth finding myself lacking even more in the end?

i dont' know...the final definition i included is "conforming with established rules." here's the thought that came to me. who made up these established rules? for some reason i end up thinking that there is some rule that has been written down for the whole world to see and adhere to that says that everything should be easy and just as far as it relates to me. where do people even get this idea? i know i'm not the only one. is it just this selfish nature that makes us expect the irrational and causes us anger and disappointment when things end up ruining our well-intentioned plans? i don't really know what i'm babbling about...i guess i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with others too but i'm not sure i can admit to it yet.

i don't know...a friend admitted their frustration with God the other day and it made me feel sick. couple possible reasons for this one...but i really know which one's true...i'll just lay it out there. ok - i don't know how many times i've had the discussion with people about out attitudes and feelings towards God (what we can and can't admit to). ok - my head and my heart are polar opposites on this point. i wish i could be the one to admit when i'm angry or frustrated with God. growing up, i was always told how wrong that was and it's stuck with me. i also tend to think - i'm little and insignificant in comparision to God - who am i to be frustrated or angry with him. i have no right. and that's true...but i guess it's kind of stupid to think that i could keep my feelings hidden from God. whether i say it out loud or not - God knows when i'm angry or frustrated with him - i guess the secret only hurts me in the end...no one else. and then i think ...how small do i think this great God is? i mean, he's definately big enough to take my piss poor attitude if he's big enough to take on the sins of the whole freakin world....right?

ok...so for now...i'll just say i'm frustrated...in general...about life. i'm going to vent for a sec...like i said before...a little less than normal is being held back at this point...i think i'm on a roll. ok. i'm sick of being broken for seemingly no reason. this is not to say that i don't believe there is a reason for it...but i can't see what it is and that drives me nuts. sometimes broken is the best place to be...and i've come to enjoy the growth that has come out of it in the past. but this time seems different. i don't feel like i'm learning anything. i have a whole lot more head knowledge about faith and God and such...but i don't have as much heart knowledge as i want. it's frustrating when you KNOW that your head and heart are not working together. i'm sick of fighting myself. i don't know what is simple unbelief and what is me just holding out for a feeling (waiting for my heart to catch up to my head). i forget how meaningless feelings are sometimes....make that ...LOTS of times. anyways, i don't know what God's plans are for me right now and that bothers me. sometimes i just feel like he's playing games with me. i just feel like saying "what the heck is going on here....do you like watching me fall on my face? i thought you were going to be here when i needed you...i need you now and i just can't feel you. i know that having faith means not having to see or feel something to know it's real...but sometimes i just need a reminder that you're still here with me - sometimes i just need to feel your arms around me - i'm scared."

ok. i'm scared. i can admit that. i'm scared on so many things i feel like a failure. i'm scared of not making it in the army or not being a good-enough wife to james. i'm scared of failing classes, losing friends, and losing my mind. and i'm scared of losing everyone who's important in my life. that's how it always seems to happen. as soon as i feel comfortable or really feel connected with my friends and family - they leave or are taken away. i've finally said that the whole keeping people at a safe distance and not letting anyone get close to me was a stupid plan that i used to follow. i've finally reached a point of almost total vulnerablitiy with a couple of people and have felt little by little how freeing that is. now that things are looking up i'm waiting for the bomb to drop and things to be ripped away again. i don't want to live in a perpetual state of pessimism (sp?) - but that's my experience. and here's a real life situation. i'm scared that tomorrow i'm going to get another dreaded phone call about my dad. things about his cancer status were left open-ended over the summer. and now, whether anyone likes it or not...everything's going to be brought out in the open and we're going to know his real status. i always think...what would i do if he dies? here's another thing that gets me. i want to know why...during those times that i am afraid of loosing my father, why my heavenly father seems so far away? i don't really want to ask that question - i'm sure it's my own fault...but...you know.

ok...so fair....nothings fair. life's not fair and it's more than likely a good thing that it's not. and i'm really selfish...that's not exactly a new revelation ...just something i need to remind myself. look ...i've taken all this time to write about myself and nothing about how i've hurt people or what other people in my life are going through right now. i have been INCREDIBLY blessed with the friends in my life and i wish i knew how to be a better friend to them.

---ok...side note - i had to go and close the pool and found this middle-aged couple snuggling on the couch...i didn't know whether to be sick or tell them to go get a room. man - i really need to not open my mouth to anyone (muchless strangers) until this codine wears off....moving on...where was i...o yeah...friends and such.

yeah, i'm blessed by great people in my life who don't seem to care how much i screw up. and year...i screw up all the freakin time. man, it must get wearing on them...i'm glad they've stuck around. ok...so i wonder if i've had any sort of impact on the friends that have had life-changing impacts on me. i would like to think so, because otherwise that makes me some sort of leech and not a real friend, but i dont' know....i wonder if i'm so self-centered that i do not take enough time to be there for them. i can imagine that i'm a draining person to be around - there's always all this drama going on in my life and i'm still learning how to handle things. i hate it that i have so many questions and need to ask for help. i'm lucky that i have people who offer to help. so, i think it's time for me to grow up...what that means i have no idea...but it sounded good in my head. speaking of which...wow...i'm dizzy....ok.

wow...if you've made it this far down in the post congrats....you're the big winner (or loser...depending on how crappy the stuff was that i wrote) well, take it or leave it...in the morning i'll probably regret writing all of this...but right now...i just don't care...nope....not at all.....ok...maybe a little bit...but it's fine. man, i've gotta stop arguing with myself...well...at least outside of my head. it just makes a person look a little schizo. hmmm...never been called that before...best not to start. ok...i'm going to try to start some clean-up stuff so i can get out of here close to on time. i'm having a party tonight for the soccer girls. i have to hurry up and get out of here, buy some food, and clean the apt. i'm sure people won't really care if it's messy...but i will. ok, feel free to leave a comment or email me...or not...whatever....later
love....jen