Recap....The Down Slide

Been a little while since the last update....so here goes....

The past couple of days have been so different. Christmas time was good and I'm really thankful for that...but lately I just don't feel right. It's definitely time to go back to greenville. I love my family....but they're starting to drive me nuts. I think Ijust crave a little "normalcy,” some sort of schedule, to be back with friends. O well…couple more days to go.

Tuesday was fairly uneventful. I took my sister around Johnson Creek and Madison so she could work on spending Christmas money. I was just trying to get out of the house – it was real obvious that dad didn’t really want us there.

Wednesday was Teena’s funeral. It was a really beautiful service (probably because she planned it herself). There were great stories told – funny and sad alike – and over and over we were shown how many lives she touched. Here’s an ironic fact about her life – the pastor talked about her being a “Sunday kind of girl.” Not only did she love Sundays because of church, inviting guests over to join the family for Sunday dinner, and finding ways to minister – her life was filled with Sunday events. Here’s a list – she was born on Sunday, met her husband on a Sunday, married on Sunday, all but 1 of her 6 kids were born on Sundays, her son Terry died a couple of months ago on a Sunday, she’s had 4 heart attacks in the past year which all came on Sundays, and then she ended up dying on a Sunday (I know I’m probably forgetting a few events…but wow). Also, she was so organized and concerned about people – Lee told us that she knew she was going to die before Christmas and that she had almost every present bought, wrapped, and labeled back in October. The day before she died she even gave a list of presents and money to her daughter to make sure the ‘forgotten gifts’ were bought for Christmas. She also loved making these blankets for people and had started to make one for her granddaughter Amanda. That day before, she told Amanda to quick run to her house and get the unfinished blanket and that she thought she could quick get it done before she went. The pastor also talked about how much peace she had throughout the last month of her life and how much she was looking forward to heaven. She never lost her sense of humor (making west Virginia jokes and once saying “hey…shouldn’t I be going into a coma or something?” she really wanted people to celebrate more than grieve) Anyways, they showed a video of pictures of her and family (6 kinds, 18 grand-kids, and 3 great grand-kids) and it was really nice. It was a long service but there’s no way they could have done her life justice if they had cut it short. I apologize…you all probably don’t really want to hear about all of this…so I’ll just conclude Wednesday with this last thing. They included her favorite poem in the bulletin:
been a little while since the last update....so here goes....

It's In The Valley I Grow by Tracy Mayfield

Sometimes life seems hard to bear - Full of sorrow, trouble, and woe.
It's then I have to remember - That it's in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top - And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love - And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn - And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops - But it's in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand - Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing - My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing - When I picture Christ on the cross.
He went through the valley of death - His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining - When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder - That it's in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord - And use my life each day
To share your love with others - And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord - For this one thing I know;
The mountain tops are glorious - But it's in the valleys I grow!

I spent yesterday and today in Fennimore – we had a short little Christmas time with grandma. I love grandma…but there’s nothing to do when we visit. We just sit around doing nothing – anyways…there’s two days of no sleep and boredom. O well. It was good to see her and I know she appreciated our coming. We came back early today because of New Years Eve stuff. We’re going over to the Richey’s for dinner and the rest of the family is staying til after midnight. I’m only going to spend a couple hours over there and then I’m going to a different party. I’ve gotta say…I really have never liked New Years Eve (fairly obvious reasons)…and even though I know that I’ll have some fun tonight…anticipation of the evening is always tough. O well…here goes nothing…can’t believe tomorrow starts 2005. I never thought that year would come…..but it’s almost here….guess I start getting ready…it’s gonna be a long night – in many ways….c-ya in ’05….
-jc-

here's to fun WI families...

the peterson family is great - they're hilarious. today i met up with laura peterson at johnson creek outlet center. it's about 40 minutes away from me but only a couple minutes away from andy's parents house. we didn't have a long time to shop but we made the most of it. there were some GREAT deals going on today. at 3 laura was supposed to go to andy's aunts house for a family movie time and dinner. she asked me if i wanted to join them and i said yes. andy's family is real cute (especially his littlest sister) and all of them are ridiculous to just watch interact with one another...it was a lot of fun. we made cookies, watched 'elf', and ordered pizza. it was good to spend some time with a gc friend and it kind of made me miss everyone a little more. o well...today went really fast and i'm exhausted (i don't know why...i didn't do a whole lot today). i'm supposed to work on reference letter stuff tonight but i don't think it's gonna happen....tomorrow i'm supposed to go with dad to the republican headquarters to try and talk to some people....that should be interesting (i'm kinda nervous). o well. here's to a short and sweet post (well, maybe not so much sweet...but shorter than usual....)
later....
jenn

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

so far, this christmas has been one of the best...if not the best one i've ever had. yesterday was a lot of fun. we finished shopping for presents about 3pm (which is REAL early for us) and got ready for church. we always go with my grandma to the lutheran church service. it's great - real traditional - and ends with this great candle lighting time. anyways, after that...we picked up our great-aunt ethel and headed back to our house. we usually open all but 3 presents on christmas eve and save the others for christmas morning. well, i got some great gifts - but the best part was watching everyone else open their gifts. i think everyone was well satisfied with what they recieved. we started opening about 830 and were still eating and opening about 1130. everyone went home and i went to bed after calling james. the phone call ended up being pretty short because we were both kind of falling asleep on the phone. o well :) anyways, mel and i woke up early this morning and it was snowing! now...you have to know that this is a big deal (i know i know...in WI we're supposed to have snow all the time right?) because the past 2 years we haven't even had snow on the ground muchless it falling on christmas eve or day. but it's supposed to snow a little bit all day long...woooohooooo! anyways, she and i squished into her twin sized bed and listened to her new stereo until mom and dad finally got up. we were really waiting on mom because we have this tradition of mom getting up and making this egg/bacon casserol for us to eat every christmas and easter...and everyone has to be out in the living room befor the stockings or any gifts can be opened. well...all is well now...actually this year was a time of getting old "classic" movies we remember from childhood. we're watching "Annie" right now - one of our favorites. in a couple hours we'll head over to grandma's house for a ham dinner (sorry...up here we call lunch "dinner" and dinner "supper"). we always eat there on christmas day and then spend the afternoon watching movies and playing with gifts. most of the time will probably be spent tying to teach grandma how to use the dvd player she got yesterday (will probably be a LONG time and fairly entertaining) and/or playing texas hold'em (dad got mel a set with felt, cards, and chips - although grandma's the expert gambler of the family - she'll definately win). guess i'd better get going on getting ready for the day...although it's nice to just sit here and kind of lounge around the lit tree...hmmm....ok....all for now....again.... Merry Christmas my friends....i miss you guys.
love, jenn

Triple M's - Me, Mel, and Madison

man, last night was kinda crazy. i met up with some friends from high school (matt, jason, justin, and tamara). we went out to the movies and tried to catch each other up on our lives. i haven't seen justin or tamara in 4 years. justin looks like he's doing well and that makes me happy. let me explain - he was always nicknamed doogie (his last name is houser). he was decently smart, but small for his age. he always tried to stay positive and work hard...but the teasing always got to him in the end. he was a good friend to me and i always under appreciated him. well...last night it was good to hear and see that life is going well for him. he's worked hard in the air force and is finally getting some respect. i'm proud of him for sticking with the military and i know his dad is too (i coached with him 3 summers ago). anyways...it was a night of many high school memories. some good, some bad...overall just kinda weird....

but today was a good day. i started out in a bad mood because i just can not seem to sleep in. all the days before today it was mainly the fault of other people or plans. but today there was no reason for me to wake up early...so i tried to force myself to stay in bed for a while and lounge around. after i finally couldn't take doing nothing anymore - i got up and ready to start christmas shopping. yes. it is tradition in our house to not start getting presents for people until christmas eve day. so, today was actually an early start for me. i started off looking for a specific present for my sister. actually i had two presents i had decided were necessity. well...i struck out in janesville (i was looking for some specific lens filters for mel's camera) because Star Photo was all sold out. so, i decided i just needed to get out of town and go to madison. i love mad city...it's actually the one place i love to get lost in. mel asked me if she could come with and i finally agreed. it just meant that i would have to get creative in getting her presents around her. well, we got there and picked up the camera parts (i had to let her in on the present because she didn't want to be left alone in the mall...but she promised me she'll act surprised tomorrow) and then headed to Olive Garden. i decided that i was already spending money and there was no reason why we had to try to save money by eating at the food court instead of having a nice meal together. actually it was a blast - the whole day mel and i had a great time. from trying to teach her how to eat pasta with a spoon and fork (hilarious really) to singing stupid christmas carols in the car...we didn't fight at all and just enjoyed the company. i'm starting to realize more and more how mature she's getting. don't get me wrong...she's still very naive in some areas and can be a goofball. but she's also becoming a friend and that's great and weird at the same time. i guess this sounds stupid...but i'm just realizing this holiday season how much i really love her and want to protect her. this ended up affecting my decision about gifts. i decided i wanted to get her something special - a gift that she could remember me by when i leave in 6 months. i ended up at fred meyers jewelry and bought her a white gold cross with three little diamonds in the middle. i'm so excited about it - it's BEAUTIFUL and i can't wait to give it to her. i've never wanted to get her so much as i do this christmas - she's nutty but great :) i actually think i "might" miss her this summer. anyways...i can't believe tomorrow is christmas eve. christmas is my favorite holiday and every year i find myself struggling to try and savor every moment...not letting the season end. this christmas is going to be a TON better than last year. last year we ended up ...the 23rd...leaving the mall and not buying presents because the three of us (mom mel and i) were too upset about dad's surgery. this year is a lot brighter. it's also possibly my "last" christmas with the fam for a while - don't know how to deal with that...but i guess i'm just going to try to enjoy the moments i had. man...it's good to have a day where everything seems to finally fall into place...i needed a good day this week. well...i think i'm going to finish with the presents and try to go to bed early. i think james is going to call me when he's done hanging out with jacob - - - i'll just take a little "nap" in the free time....
niters,
jenn

Babysitters Don't Get Paid Enough....

i got home from james' house about 4pm. i made dinner and then went shopping with my mom. early yesterday morning my recruiter had called and told me to get my butt down to the station by 10am. there was no way i could do that because i was still in bed in belflower. anyways, he wanted to get my picture taken for the OCS packet. i'm supposed to be dressed "business/professional" and needless to say...i wanted a new outfit. mom and i went out shopping...which usually isn't a good idea because we fight...but it went well. i got a 3 piece suit and such and i have to say...i don't clean up half bad. anyways, while i was in one of the dressingrooms, my sister called - she was babysitting 5 kids while their parents went out to the bar to drown their sorrows (the family had a funeral that morning for their grandma - different than mine). anyways, she wanted to know if i wanted to swing by and hang out with the kids. i was tired and didn't really feel like it...but told her i would call her when i was done getting my clothes. about 830 i got a call from her. the kids were ganging up on her and were so bad that she had locked herself in the bathroom to call me. hahaha...i shouldn't laugh...but it was kinda funny. poor mel. anyways, big sis to the rescure :) - i went over to help out. man - she was right..the kids were a handful (forgot to mention - there were 5 of them - ages 16mo to 11). a little recap - i was hit, kicked, bitten, hair pulled(she wouldn't let go so i pulled hers back), and one little girl thought it was funny to try and pull off my pants - really stealing any clothes i had was "hysterical" (hat, cell phone, pants, socks - i really ended up almost naked. haha..ok..maybe a little over-exaggeration). yeah...so overall...great situation. but it was a little easier to handle when you figured that the kids had been through a lot. no one was really helping them deal with their grandma's death - just leaving them to go drink. anyways, guess i've gotta cut this short. not sure why i rushed this...not like i'm doing a whole lot today. mom and dad are working...mel's at school...i'm here. o well. i'm off to brave the snow and pick up mel for lunch. (really i guess it's the high school traffic that i should be worried about. crazy kids :)

-Jenn

Good-Bye Grandma

ok - recap of the last two days. sunday morning was kind of hecktic. i had to get ready for church and get ready to go to james' grandparents house for a christmas deal. needless to say, i was running late. i wanted to make it to church on time to see my mom and sister in a christmas thing. mom put it together - a choir thing just like old times. she was real nervous because she hadn't been in charge of this stuff for 8 years or so. but you could tell...even with the stress of planning...she was excited to be back conducting. anyways, i was supposed to go to church and stay for an hour...then i was to leave for bloomington. well, the service started pretty normally...although it was ominously dark (some of the lights had gone out right before the service started)...and things just seemed a little off. during the announcement time we found out why that was. we got news that we weren't expecting at all...... my grandma (not really related) had died at 3 am. the pastor just mentioned it flippantly....most of the congregation didn't really know her well. but let me explain my family's connection.

Lee and Teena Areneson lead a biblestudy every thursday night. my family has attended every week since before i was born. they were mentors to my parents when they were first married and actually, the whole reason i'm around is because of them. my parents tried to have kids a few years after they were married and they couldn't get pregnant. dad decided he was against having kids anyways and decided they weren't going to try anymore. a little while later, lee and teena talked to them about the whole deal. they said that they thought God wanted them to have children and that they should pray about it and try again. well...long story short...they had me and my sister. mel and i have always considered lee and teena to be our grandparents. some of my best memories of being a little kid are events that took place at their house. we spent hours and hours in front of their fireplace, being put to bed early in their bed (while the rest of biblestudy went on), and when we were older - doing homework at their kitchen table. anyways, lots of memories. they are also such a solid christian couple. they have gone through some awfully hard times with their own health, their kids, family, etc...and yet they always were the first ones to talk about how God had everything under control and that they were going to trust, pray, and wait on his answer. Teena, specifically, had gone through a ton of health problems. she's been very near death a bunch of times in the last 5 years. actually, last year, the day before my dad had his first cancer surgery.....she was in the hospital with bad heart problems...she was pronounced dead...but then about 2 min later...her heart started beating again, she sat up and talked to people, we saw her a week later and she looked great. she has witnessed so much healing on her own behalf and others. this is all to say. when i heard about her death, i felt like i had been shot. i didn't cry at my own grandpas' funerals...trying to hold it together and be tough...but immediately sunday morning...the tears welled up. i didn't know what to do with myself. right after announcements we have a time of greeting and going to get coffee/donuts... matt and jason were back in town and had come to church... i hadn't seen matt since july and normally, when friends see eachother after a long time has passed...they are excited. i just couldn't be excited. i just cried...and felt stupid. didn't say a whole lot to them and probably was a bad friend...but i'm sure they'll understand later. anyways, poor mom and mel...they had to quick pull it together and sing. they had a duet to do and mel had a solo too. anyways, i stood at the back of church and watched the start of the program...then got in the car to leave. it's weird how death can be a bonding experience (my family hasn't fought as much in the past 2 days). for some reason i just wanted to be home...i didn't want to leave. i was excited to see james and his family...but i just wanted to be with my own. everyone was trying to deal with the news...except dad. he said it hadn't really hit him yet and i'm still not sure it has. that worries me somewhat.... when it hits dad it's not gonna be good. o well....more on that later maybe.

well...i made it to james' grandparents about 1. it was a long drive. i was kinda crying and praying and i was just angry. at one point i said something about it not being fair. but then i stopped myself because that's totally not true. she was in a lot of pain...she was ready to die and wanted to go "home" more than anything. i wanted to be happy and excited for her but i guess i just needed a little time to be sad. guess things are a little more in perspective now...but it's still kinda sad to know she's gone - i really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. i've never been this emotional over anyone's death - i have a feeling i have more tears but for now their quiet.

anyways, the christmas party in bloomington was fun. i was shocked to get some presents from his grandparents. a few funny moments of note involved the gift exchange. they take turns opening one present at a time and watching (if you get clothes the rule is you have to model them). well, you can imagine my surprise when i recieved a pink box from victoria's secret. i was starting to get embarassed...but to my relief...in this huge box....was just a couple bottles of perfume (whew...close call). another amusing site was watching the dog being given laps of grandpa's champaign. in all the dog had about a glass and a half...yikes. o well. the fam. finished the day by watching the packers get beat and rubbing it in to me. gotta love family. hmmm....maybe for last night's update i should start a new post....yeah...brb.....
jenn

False Start....

ok...thought i was going to update tonight...lots of drama in the past 2 days (shocking i know)...but i'm just exhausted. i've pretty much fallen asleep staring at the screen about 3 times now. guess i'm headed to bed....guess i shouldn't worry about waiting - not like the thoughts are gonna go anywhere from today to tomorrow...that would just be too fortunate of an occurance for the present time. o well...tomorrow then....
niters - j.

plans...no plans...all the same

that's it. i've decided that making plans is pointless. i never end up following through, things come up, o man. well, yesterday was no different. i called james on my way out of town to get directions...he told me that there had been a mix up of the date for the christmas thing at his grandparent's house that i was going to. it was supposed to be tomorrow (sunday) instead of today. so, i ended up coming home last night instead. i just figured it was better for scooter, just wanted to get my stuff home, etc. o yeah, and my recruiter called me on the way home. the DEP function that i was going to miss (with the original plan) ended up being a little more manditory than originally thought. so, in the end, it was a good thing that i ended up coming home early. today was our manditory PT test. o man....i was not happy about hearing that one the drive home last night. this was the week where i only worked out one day (i have been EXHAUSTED...and just couldn't do it)...anyways, i just felt SO unprepared. well, i just got back from the station. the test started at 9am - pushups for 1 min, situps for 1 min, and a 1 mile timed run. i was really only concerned about the run...figured the pushups and situps would be fine. the time limit was 10min 30sec for the run. i have NEVER run a mile in under 12 min - sad i know...but i'm NOT a runner. we ran around a park outside in the 20 degree weather (brr)...but anyways...today...drumroll please.....i ran faster than ever - definately prayed the whole time around...but i made it in 8min 29sec :) i was SO excited. maybe it was the working out this last month, maybe being scared of failure, maybe my recruiter yelling from the side "Officers lead Jenn." i don't know. but it was alright. i also saw a former friend from highschool...she joined the army a few months ago and ships out in 11 days. man, weird highschool memories...o well. so, i'm glad to have the test out of the way...found out a little more about what the requirements are and stuff for OCS....that whole deal. o yeah...forgot to mention. i gave myself until today to decide for sure whether or not i was going to take the OCS deal. well...first of all, i have to say...i'm scared to death that i'm going to fail the school or won't be a good leader...stuff like that...but.... i'm gonna do it. there are a ton of things that are going to have to fall into place and a lot of things about me that are going to have to change. but....God's big enough. i'm gonna work more on this whole trust thing. but for the moment....i'm going to take a little step in that department and say....ok...i want to trust you more than i do right now and making the decision for the OCS deal takes my future (career wise at least) totally out of my hands. it's a real uncomfortable feeling...yet i'm excited. guess i just have to keep reminding myself that God's going to take care of me...and better than i can take care of myself (you could help remind me too if you want to - i wouldn't be offended ;) ... i don't know. now i'm starting to ramble. guess i'm off to start writting to people to try and get recommendations...that may become the new drama of my life this week. i'm sure i'll have more to write later. i think i usually "escape" to the blog on these holiday breaks....or maybe i just write more because there's a whole lot more drama created here...haha...who knows...blah....
Jenn

36/27 - crawling

at final count...36 pages written in the last 27 hours. i still have one paper due on thursday sometime. that one's gonna be another killer...but right now i'm just real relieved to be sitting in class with my last 3 papers in hand. two others were handed in this morning. not bad for a day's work i guess. o, and i brought food to class tonight and mcpeak said "jenn's grade just went up one letter grade..." ok, so some might just be exaggerating....but you never know with mcpeak...that would be great. o well. now all i have to do is sit here and entertain myself for the next 3 hours (so i don't fall asleep), talk to james for a few, and then go to bed. i want to just go to bed and stay there for the next day or so...but i almost forgot that i can't do that because i already have plans to meet with tiff tomorrow morning :) although, i'm looking forward to that time and it's totally worth not being able to be a hermit all day (probably wouldn't be good for me anyways). i think i'm gonna give myself the day off tomorrow...mainly to compose myself...o and i get to see what new thing the doctor's gonna try with my finger now...*sigh. i'll try and write the last paper wednesday. although, let's face it...knowing me it won't get started until late wednesday night/thusday morning. o well.

so...i think i've reached my limit. things are going to be a little better having almost all of my work out of the way...but i guess i can say it now. i'm not ok. i'm not trying to sound real depressed or anything. really, i'm not sure how i'm feeling right now. i'm numb at the moment but i'm also not sure that's a bad thing right now. guess i just decided to be honest...probably mainly with myself. i guess i've always heard "i'm not ok and that's ok." still trying to decide whether i really believe that. i'd probably rather say i'm not ok but i know that God is still good (conflict between heart and head knowledge. but at least i have one of them to start out with).

...i feel like i'm crawling....but i guess i'm still moving....

love, jennifer (yeah, i think i might want to be jennifer for a while)

ready, set, go....

ok...work time. i know it's a little late to be starting the work i should have gotten to EARLY this morning. but i just couldn't get out of bed. i was just exhausted. o well....i'm starting now. i figure if i can get the interview and site visits write-ups done before work at 12...i'll be doing good. 12-130, when i work, i'm taking a break...i'll finish everything after that (2pm-6pm). i think i may have found a way out of this academic mess. for now, i'm a bit hopeful...but there are still plenty of ways for me to waste my time and screw it all up again. haha, this is one of them i guess...i'm off to go get coffee and start the work. ready, set, go....
jenn

the good, the bad, and the ugly (feelin)

tonight was a great night and a bad night all at the same time....how is that possible? it was great to hang out with "the gang" as i'm now refering to them as. seriously, being around any one of those people tonight just automatically puts me in a better mood. it was also good to confirm plans with laura. we found out that we both like to go to the johnson creek outlet mall and we're going to be in WI over the holiday break. she said andy's parents live only like 10 minutes away from there and i'm a little less than an hour away. so, we're going to meet up there on the 27th. it'll be good to get to see at least one gc person over the break. yeah...that's a stress i'll deal with as soon as i have a free moment...probably about wed night or so.

i don't know....tonight i just felt torn. i was in a fun atmosphere with fun people, yet i couldn't shut my mind off of all the other crap going on. for some reason i just couldn't let myself fully enjoy the time and that frustrates me. i don't know what to do....ugh....i just hope i don't have another night like the past 7...this is getting ridiculous. o well...i'm off to read for a little bit. God and i need some alone time.
later.... J

To Do....

To do list: (my roomie insitsed that i make one-she thought it would make HER feel better and mainly because she felt the need to laugh at me...who cares...here goes.....)
(to be done before Monday at 1pm- which really means before 6pm Sunday)

1. Monastery Paper (6pgs)
2. Foundations Class Final Exam (5pgs)
3. 70pgs of Reading - Islam
4. World Religions Notes (probably at least 4pgs)
5. World Religions Reflection (2pgs)
6. Write-Up of Buddhist Interview (who knows)
7. Five Site Visit Write-Ups (5pgs)
8. Research For New Assignment - Program Paper For Independant Study -Due Thursday (5-10pgs)

if i don't sleep until monday night, skip taking time to eat, and lock myself in my room... i MIGHT have enough time to get 1-7 done.

-i have no time (even though it's my own fault i put stuff off - yeah, i'm stupid like that)...the rest of life is not helping either...i don't understand why i have to have a super stressful academic week and a super stressful life week at the same time. i feel like i'm gonna break...just not sure in which area yet... *sigh* i'd better shut up and get back to work...just needed a quick timeout for a little vent...yeah.....i think i'm in trouble.....
-j-

....

i don't think i'm gonna make it....i can't do this....

Time is Running Out....

ok guys...here's the deal. i need to make the decision about whether or not to try for this OCS deal (army) or not...and i need to make it REAL soon. my recruiter is breathing down my neck and doesn't understand why i need time to consider all the options. he told me that i would be stupid to pass up the money that's involved...and his words were "you'll be making a considerable amount more this way. what more do you need?" well, i'm not saying that the money wouldn't be nice to have. with all my student loans it would be SO helpful..but...i don't know. here's the recap of the situation (although i'm sure you could just read the previous entry from november...but...here goes) so, the positives are - more money, more responsibility, leadership training, other possible perks like choice of station (where). possible negatives - unless i'm in the top 10% of ocs i don't get to pick my job, increased commitment time. so, i don't know what to do. one thought has kind of stuck in my head this whole time. i've mainly been focusing on my job - whether or not i could 'secure' it before going in. but here's the thought - maybe i'm not supposed to pick my job. i don't know...i guess i believe that whatever the situation...God is going to have me wherever he wants me. he's in control...not me. maybe that's my problem. i want to leave all of my life and my future in his hands - but i'm scared. i guess...i would never say that i do not believe that God has my best in mind and that if i give him control he will take care of me. so, i guess i assume that means i believe the opposite. (don't think that made sense...but i mean ....i think i believe something simply because i would never say that i didn't believe it) anyways, i don't really live like i believe -that i'm not in control and/or shouldn't be.

...so yeah...i wonder if this decision is such a big deal to me because i want to be secure. i want to have my future go my way. i want to be able to know where i'm going and what i'll be doing. if i take the ocs deal -which i'm not even guarenteed to graduate- i leave a big part of my future totally in God's hands. i don't know...it's really scary to think that i would only know what i'm doing or where i'm going for the next 3 months and know that the rest will be decided for me and whatever the decision is...i'll HAVE to do it. ok...guess that's enough rambling on this subject for now. but...overall...guys....i'd like to know your opinnion on the deal. i'm not saying that i'm going to let other people make the decision for me...but i'd like some other people's perspectives on the deal. would appreciate you leaving a comment or emailing. thanks...
luv ya guys,
jenn

One of the highlights of the weekend - getting to play with my cousin's daughter Macie (7mos) :) O yeah, we're best buds now... 

*sigh...ok...calm :)

ok. a little bit of sleep has given me some perspective. first of all, the family reunion deal this weekend went pretty well (a couple of fights, but for once, none of it was about or involved me - i just got to watch :) - also, good times with the 3 youngest additions to the fam. Myles-2years, Macie -7months, and Aden - 7weeks). james and i made it up to wisconsin about 10pm on friday night and stayed up doing laundry. (woooo...exciting.... i know) the next morning the five of us drove a little over 2 hours to blue river. this is a tiny town in the hills of western wisconsin. it's BEAUTIFUL over there and we took the back roads (windy) which made it even better. anyways - dinner was at noon and we made it just in time. these family deals are known for having some sort of "mystery meat" for all who are daring (big hunters in the fam). well, this year it was black bear and it was great...along with all of the other great home-made sides and desserts. on to the big Bingo game / gift exchange (o we're sounding cool now) and finally, a trip over to Tim's house to see all of the various trophy kills (four basement walls filled - yeah....some call him a redneck hick...i call him "skilled" - hahaha) anyways, then my family and james went back to grandma's house to sit and talk and eat some more. we stayed until about 830 and then james and i left for my house. we decided that an 8 hour drive on sunday wasn't our idea of a good time...so we knocked off a few hours saturday night. sunday we went to church (2 weeks in a row at Saunder's Creek - good times) and left for g'ville after dinner. so, basically we had either been with family (a little tense because they love to fight) or in the car for the majority of the weekend. as we got closer to campus i was really starting to look forward to starting some homework and getting to bed early. instead, i walked in on a very unhappy apartment. evidently they had been fighting all weekend. in the end, one of my roommates threw a fit and took home ALL of her dishes and silverware, etc.... this is a big deal because that's the one thing she provided for all of us. so, empty cabinets. this was the start of the drama of last night. i had to go to the store and get some replacement stuff so the rest of us could eat until break. needless to say, i was NOT happy. there were more details and drama than just this...but this was the last straw. so, now no one is talking to each other....and if they do, it's just to cut them down. one roomie has taken to lying and trying to get people in trouble...just a lot of crap. o well...just two weeks til break and then a lot changes in the apt. as long as i get the work done for class, get practicum stuff going, decide about the new army deal, and keep my sanity at the same time...i guess i'll be doing alright. i'll let you know how that plan's going later....that's it for my complaint of the day i think :) ....it's gonna be a good day...ummm...starting in a little while...haha...
love, Jenn

Failed Attempt At a Good Post

i don't really know what to say. earlier today i was looking forward to getting on here and updating....but right now i feel like things are falling apart. i thought maybe i could just sit here and write and things would be better...but i don't think i can put anything down tonight. i'll just say - the weekend ended up being some good family time...good memories. in the 4 hours i've been back here i feel like i've been run over(mainly roommate stuff). i just got back from a walk...it's pouring outside but i decided i needed time to "cool off" and think. in the end i decided that when you want to cry...but just can't start...it's good to walk in the rain and just feel it run down your face. maybe the story will come out tomorrow. for now...i think i'm going to go sleep on the couch.
- j

DONE! :)

I'M DONE!! I'm exhausted and it's GREAT...I don't care a bit- - reading reports turned in, a lead on an AMAZING practicum, o yeah...and no more talk about flunking the practicum deal (world religions still a little iffy...but i'll take what I can today :) It's a good thing this all turned out alright or I'd be REAL tired...luckily I think this will at least give me enough energy to get through work....the first and second time today (it's a two-fer thursday) - - Ok..for real....I need to shower....I'm sure you'll thank me later...
Love,
Jenn :)

One More Time

ok....four down....two to go.....i'm shootin for 830....wish me luck :)

Progress Report

progress report ....well...i have 1 1/2 papers done out of 6 (technically don't HAVE to have all 6 done by tomorrow...but i want to-i should)...and it's almost 3am. think i'm gonna have to pick up the speed or i might just run out of hours. hmmm....o well...at least i have SOMETHING to show for all of this. just had to take a quick break...and where better to do it than here? blah blah blah...back to all of this depressing reading. man, i should have chosen a better topic. although, when you think about it, most psych topics ARE depressing. o well...back to reading about the impact war has on children's mental health....fun fun fun....you know you wish you were me ;)
j

Debate...Well...Not Really

ok...debate of the night. it's almost 1130 and i have to make a decision. here are the two options:

1. go to bed and hopefully get some sleep (hasn't happen much this week), try and get over being sick, o...and risk flunking my practicum (small detail)

2. not go to bed tonight and stay up writting, get sicker, and who knows...

yeah, i know ....there really shouldn't be much of a debate here...but i'm just not focused and i'm tired of being sick. o well..it's my own fault that i didn't end up with all my research info until now. ok now i'm just wasting time...gotta go....

j