36/27 - crawling

at final count...36 pages written in the last 27 hours. i still have one paper due on thursday sometime. that one's gonna be another killer...but right now i'm just real relieved to be sitting in class with my last 3 papers in hand. two others were handed in this morning. not bad for a day's work i guess. o, and i brought food to class tonight and mcpeak said "jenn's grade just went up one letter grade..." ok, so some might just be exaggerating....but you never know with mcpeak...that would be great. o well. now all i have to do is sit here and entertain myself for the next 3 hours (so i don't fall asleep), talk to james for a few, and then go to bed. i want to just go to bed and stay there for the next day or so...but i almost forgot that i can't do that because i already have plans to meet with tiff tomorrow morning :) although, i'm looking forward to that time and it's totally worth not being able to be a hermit all day (probably wouldn't be good for me anyways). i think i'm gonna give myself the day off tomorrow...mainly to compose myself...o and i get to see what new thing the doctor's gonna try with my finger now...*sigh. i'll try and write the last paper wednesday. although, let's face it...knowing me it won't get started until late wednesday night/thusday morning. o well.

so...i think i've reached my limit. things are going to be a little better having almost all of my work out of the way...but i guess i can say it now. i'm not ok. i'm not trying to sound real depressed or anything. really, i'm not sure how i'm feeling right now. i'm numb at the moment but i'm also not sure that's a bad thing right now. guess i just decided to be honest...probably mainly with myself. i guess i've always heard "i'm not ok and that's ok." still trying to decide whether i really believe that. i'd probably rather say i'm not ok but i know that God is still good (conflict between heart and head knowledge. but at least i have one of them to start out with).

...i feel like i'm crawling....but i guess i'm still moving....

love, jennifer (yeah, i think i might want to be jennifer for a while)